My husband went grocery shopping the other day and came home with my favorite cookies.
You're waiting for me to say, "April Fool," aren't you?
Well, I'm not. It's a true story. He does grocery shop sometimes, and he did come home with my favorite cookies. And -- get this! -- those cookies were sporting a "Buy One, Get One Free" sticker! It was my lucky day all over the place!
"Uh, honey," I asked, after looking through the bags, "where's the other package of cookies?"
"I didn't get it," he replied, a little defensively, if you ask me.
"How could you not get it? It was, after all, well, FREE," I said.
"Just because something's free does not mean I have to take it," he snapped.
All I could do was stare at this man to whom I've pledged the rest of my life and wonder what the heck he was talking about.
"I knew if we had them, I'd eat them," he finally admitted. "Oh-kay," I replied, pretending it made sense. I loved him too much to point out that we were going to eat them whether we paid for them or not, and it made more fiscal sense to not if we had the option. I put that one in the "You Learn Something New Every Day)" column, which is filling up fast lately.
I admit this has surprised me somewhat, as I tend to assume that if you've been with your husband for, say, ten years, you know everything about him. If you've been with your children for, say, six and eight years, you know them better than they know themselves.
And if you've been with yourself for, oh, many years, you pretty much know what to expect.
These assumptions started to unravel a couple years ago when my children started simultaneously losing their teeth. And for you six and eight-year-olds reading this, IT IS NOT - REPEAT NOT -- A COMPETITION. Whoever loses more teeth first IS NOT THE WINNER. And losing teeth at an early age DOES NOT MAKE YOU QUEEN OF THE UNIVERSE.
Anyhoo, I realized when my kids started losing teeth that -- surprise! -- I can't do teeth! Who knew? Can't even look at them if they're not securely anchored on all four sides to a healthy gum. Throw in a little blood and "hanging on by a thread" visual and I'm on the next bus.
I don't understand it. I can rub their backs while they vomit. I can hold a wound together until stitches are applied, put a bone in place until it is set. But teeth? "See that person over there, sweetie? Go ask if she'll help you. She looks nice."
And I will admit to basically throwing in the towel on ever hoping to know children. It doesn't matter how we try to guide them, shape them, or show them the way; they are their own people, who may or may not let us know how to contact them in twenty years. For example, in the last week alone I have learned the following:
● The simple fact of snow and sub-zero temperatures in no way disturbs a six-year-old girl's need to wear a swimsuit.
● There is no correct response to the following statement: "I am not going to wear my glasses because Fire Queens don't wear glasses."
● Children who did not sleep well as infants do not sleep well as anything else.
● The intensity of a kindergartner's tantrum is not always in direct proportion to the energy she feels for the subject at hand. Sometimes it is simply a function of how enamored she is by the sound of her own voice that day.
● When a six-year-old girl says, "I wish I was a Brat," she's talking about the doll. Oops.
I haven't learned all this about MY children, of course, because my children are as well-behaved and predictable as a mother could possibly want. There are no tantrums, nightmares, stubbornness, meltdowns, timeouts, bad moods, or sibling arguments in this house.
Okay, this time I'll say it. "April Fool!"
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
It's Another Trump-Biden Showdown — And We Need Your Help
The Future Of Democracy Is At Stake
Our 2024 Coverage Needs You
Your Loyalty Means The World To Us
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
The 2024 election is heating up, and women's rights, health care, voting rights, and the very future of democracy are all at stake. Donald Trump will face Joe Biden in the most consequential vote of our time. And HuffPost will be there, covering every twist and turn. America's future hangs in the balance. Would you consider contributing to support our journalism and keep it free for all during this critical season?
HuffPost believes news should be accessible to everyone, regardless of their ability to pay for it. We rely on readers like you to help fund our work. Any contribution you can make — even as little as $2 — goes directly toward supporting the impactful journalism that we will continue to produce this year. Thank you for being part of our story.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
It's official: Donald Trump will face Joe Biden this fall in the presidential election. As we face the most consequential presidential election of our time, HuffPost is committed to bringing you up-to-date, accurate news about the 2024 race. While other outlets have retreated behind paywalls, you can trust our news will stay free.
But we can't do it without your help. Reader funding is one of the key ways we support our newsroom. Would you consider making a donation to help fund our news during this critical time? Your contributions are vital to supporting a free press.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our journalism free and accessible to all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
As Americans head to the polls in 2024, the very future of our country is at stake. At HuffPost, we believe that a free press is critical to creating well-informed voters. That's why our journalism is free for everyone, even though other newsrooms retreat behind expensive paywalls.
Our journalists will continue to cover the twists and turns during this historic presidential election. With your help, we'll bring you hard-hitting investigations, well-researched analysis and timely takes you can't find elsewhere. Reporting in this current political climate is a responsibility we do not take lightly, and we thank you for your support.
Contribute as little as $2 to keep our news free for all.
Can't afford to donate? Support HuffPost by creating a free account and log in while you read.
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. Would you consider becoming a regular HuffPost contributor?
Dear HuffPost Reader
Thank you for your past contribution to HuffPost. We are sincerely grateful for readers like you who help us ensure that we can keep our journalism free for everyone.
The stakes are high this year, and our 2024 coverage could use continued support. If circumstances have changed since you last contributed, we hope you'll consider contributing to HuffPost once more.
Support HuffPostAlready contributed? Log in to hide these messages.