Cain Pain

I did not have an affair with Herman Cain. There I've said it. I have not been having an affair with Herman Cain for a long time; many years, in fact. And yes, saying it does provide closure.

I also want to say that Mr. Cain has never groped or harassed me. Of course, I have been touched by him -- but only by his ideas and personality.

So why am I coming forward at this time? That's a fair question (unlike many asked by the gotcha media.). First, I want to show all the other people who did not have an affair with Herman Cain that it's OK to talk about it. Second, I want my family to know the truth. Third, and most important, I heard that a TV station was going to break a related story later today.

According to sketchy details given to my lawyer, the TV station will reveal extensive computer data. It will show that when Mr. Cain was head of the National Restaurant Association in the late 1990s, I made thousands of visits to the NRA website. Hey, it was an honest mistake. I thought it was the National Rifle Association.

Besides, that doesn't prove anything. Maybe I just like pizza. Lots of people do. In fact, my favorite NRA quote is "You will not pry any cold pizza from my dead hands." The restaurant association knows what it's talking about -- pizza tastes much better when it's warm.

The TV station may also claim that it has phone records showing I ordered in tons of Godfather's pizza in the late 1990s. First, I'm not going to respond to that until I see the story. I can't speculate about what the TV station might say. Second, do they really think they can prove I ordered so much pizza because I hoped Herman might notice and deliver some personally? (Well, maybe I did, but they'll never prove it.)

And speaking of Godfather's pizza, I want to make it very clear that Hermsy never made me any offers I couldn't refuse. Any offers he did make, and I'm not saying he made any, were completely transparent. In other words, I could see right through them; if you know what I mean.

It's been said that politics makes strange bedfellows. And I'll leave it at that. If some TV station wants to imply anything improper, well we know how low they'll sink for high ratings. But just to be clear: I did not have an affair with Herman Cain.

And one more thing: I also was not dumped by anyone when I was in the hospital.

 

Comments

[Luman Walter]

12:43 PM on 12/01/2011

Thank you. I too was seriously considering a long term sexual relationship with Mr. Cain but after hearing what you went through not having a long term sexual relationship with Mr. Cain I've decided that that too would be the best course of action for myself and my family. I've alerted the media and will be holding a press conference later today detailing my decision not to have a long term sexual relationship with Mr. Cain including phone records of all the times Mr. Cain didn't call me and vise versa.

[signgrrl]

10:00 AM on 12/01/2011

we appreciate your being so forthcoming. it's so refreshing these days. so, when are you going to deny your non affair with Joe Walsh ?

[CognitoErgoSum]

01:29 PM on 12/04/2011

Actually, he'd have to deny that Joe Walsh owes him over $100,000 in back child support.