10/02/2013 11:13 am ET Updated Dec 02, 2013

Giant Rats Take Over DC

Good grief! Most of us are stunned by the ridiculousness going on in a certain room in a certain city in the US right now. And if you're not, trust me, sooner or later you will be.

When the trash starts building up in DC and rats as big as bulldozers run amuck in the city, and bacteria spurts out grabbing hold of anything it can, and you call the CDC but no-one is around to investigate, and, oh hell -- that lettuce you just ate was just a teensy weensy bit contaminated, so eat the poultry or beef because the USDA is still watching that -- well for now, anyway. God forbid the golden arches fell.

And funding for science -- who needs it? Let's just do what some of those in leadership do and forget about apes and Lucy and stem cells, I mean, really, who needs it? My guess is that it feels good burying your head in the sand, it's a natural stress reliever. I've heard that it removes the emotion chip from those who find it difficult to face facts.

Maybe it's just a good time to get away from all of this craziness. What, your passport needs to be renewed? Oops, sorry -- that office is open but it's housed in a government building -- AND THAT'S CLOSED! But never mind -- go to one of America's great National Parks. Go see the bison, the waterfalls, smell the sulphur... what -- they're closing too? But you want to get away from all of this and come back when things calm down. Too bad -- you're stuck here. Suck it up!

Sorry, I didn't hear you through all of that coughing. What -- your asthma's getting worse? Oh, yep, quite a few of the EPA workers were sent home too -- but it's okay, all they do is monitor pollution and pesticides for god's sake. Here, take a Kleenex and go to a museum... oh, not that one -- it's run by the government -- so it's closed.

Concerns are running high for the baby pandas, the Panda-cam has also had the plug pulled -- what to do, what to do... and women and children on the special nutritional program will just have to go hungry, sorry about that kids. I know that your young brains need healthy foods to develop properly, but really? Panda Reality Television has been turned off!

And BTW, in a new strategy to keep the population growth under control, senior nutrition grants (services that supply meals to senior citizens) -- will also be cut. Pure genius -- that way we don't have to worry ourselves with birth control. We can go at it like bunnies. You are such clever little tea drinkers.

Don't worry veterans, you might not get your educational and rehabilitation benefits, but it could be worse. Actually it will be worse if this goes on for more than a few weeks, but let's not go there. Tune in next week, what's next? Witch hunts?