My 16-year-old son just passed his driver's test and received his license to drive. It was a tremendous moment for him, and it was surprisingly profound for me as well. It got me thinking about the fleet passage of time and the blinking passing of milestones. It occurred to me that just as we study and are tested on our driving skills before we are let loose on the road, we ought to be schooled, drilled, and tested on our living skills before we are set out into the world.
We are all granted the miraculous ability to live when we are born, but it clearly takes some training to live well as we age. Perhaps the avenues and boulevards of life would not be as congested with nasty pileups if we were all required to study to obtain a license to live and thrive.
And so I decided to write to my son a few of the lessons that I'd like him think about as he buckles up and prepares for the roadtrip of life ahead.
1. Watch your speed. Don't be in such a hurry. Things will move much faster than you can imagine even when you wish you could put on the brakes.
2. Stop often. Pull over whenever you see something beautiful or intriguing. Don't just keep your eyes on the road. There is so much to see and do along the way, and most of us miss it because we are overly focused on our presumed destination. Take back roads and detours even while everyone else is flying past you on the highway. Do some off-roading. Get dirty. See what's out there beyond the asphalt.
3. Be careful, but not too careful. Take chances. Rev the engine every so often and see what this baby can do. Obey the laws, but break some rules sometimes, especially when it's not hurting anyone else and when they're not allowing you to grow and find out what you're really made of.
4. Yield. Don't be afraid to let the other person go first. Be courteous on the road. It's okay if someone else gets ahead of you. It's called the human race, but it's not really a race, and the ones who end up winning are usually those who aren't trying to beat anyone else.
5. Don't stop. Stop signs are not for you. Don't ignore them, but don't abide by them either. There are times for caution and consideration, but there is definitely not enough time for inaction. And there is no time for giving up. (I know I said "stop often" in lesson #2, but life is full of contradictions -- get used to it.)
6. Make sure you have a good sound system. Turn up the music, open the windows and let the wind whip your hair. Don't worry if it messes up your hairdo. Don't be the person who cares a lot about his hairdo. Dance to the music like you have tinted windows. Better yet, don't worry if anyone can see you bouncing and bopping to a song they can't hear -- they may laugh, but laughing is good, and believe me they'll wish they were as uninhibited as you are.
7. Look both ways before you go. There are always (at least) two ways to see every situation. Make sure you consider them carefully before proceeding.
8. Let go of the wheel, close your eyes and trust. Don't be afraid. There will be bumps in the road. There will be accidents. No matter which way you go or what you do, you will end up exactly where you're supposed to go. This doesn't condone irresponsibility, but it forces you to remember that you can only control so much and there is something much bigger than you that is overseeing everything. It may seem from your driver's seat like a big mess of traffic, pollution and all too frequent collisions , but from His view, it is all part of the system.
9. Don't worry about traffic. It happens. You'll get there. Don't curse if you get a flat tire. Sigh if you have to, and then remind yourself that this too is for the best. Always be on the lookout for the good things that result from the seemingly bad things.
10. Take care of your vehicle, but don't be concerned about it being the best looking one on the road. Don't compare what you're driving to everyone else's vehicles around you. As long as yours is maintained and presentable, it doesn't have to be a Lamborghini. The people you will want to go places with won't focus on such things.
11. You are not the only driver on the road. You don't own the road. You are a passerby. You can make your mark on the road, but you are not here to be a billboard for your ego. Be a billboard for something bigger than yourself. Build bridges. Offer roadside assistance to anyone who is stranded or lost.
12. When you're looking for someone to occupy your passenger seat, remember that this not a joyride, it's a lifetime. Find someone who will help you navigate and who will take the wheel from time to time, someone who can negotiate the twists and turns as well as you can. Follow your heart, but sometimes even the heart has to take a back seat. Let it be someone who makes your pulse race, but who isn't too fast or furious. Hold hands while you drive -- that's far more important than that two hands on the wheel rule. It won't always feel like that first day she got into your car -- some days you'll wish it had been someone else; many days you'll wish you were someone else. Ultimately, you will cover untold miles together as long as you challenge each other and give each other a little nudge when one of you starts to get lazy and doze off behind the wheel.
13. When, in time, your backseat becomes noisy with crying and bickering and whines of "are we there yet," be patient. Be patient. Be patient. You can eye them occasionally in your rearview mirror, but know that they are watching you every moment, learning from you, formulating their opinions, attitudes, and strategies based on your every move. One day they will get behind the wheel themselves, and the drivers they become will be a reflection of the driver you have been.
14. The most circuitous and mysterious roads are the ones that lead inward. Explore those daily. They are endlessly perplexing and rewarding.
15. Make sure you have a good road atlas. You will get lost from time to time, and that will make you a better navigator. GPS is useful, but there are some things that innovation and technology cannot improve. Embrace the maps that are available to you - the ones on parchment are best - and be grateful to the cartographers who have already come this way.
16. Have fun and smile often. If you're not happy, you're doing it wrong, and you may be a hazard to yourself and those on the road around you. Stop the car. Go back and review these lessons. When you're ready, come see me. We'll spend some time together, and then we can renew your license to thrive.
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