Words Of Wisdom From Strong Women

In the course of our research for Find Your Strongest Life, we interviewed many women who had been extraordinarily successful, and had created a fulfilling, satisfying life. These interviews were wide-ranging, vivid and punchy. In my last couple of posts, I have described the "catch-and-cradle" approach to life shared by many of these women. In this post, I'm going to draw directly from the women themselves. Here are four of the most distinctive pieces of advice that were shared.

"Take 'No' as the start of the negotiation, not the end." - Theresa Peters, Partner, United Talent Agency

You might expect this advice from a talent agent, but every woman would do well to heed it. Today the data reveals that women are far less likely to negotiate their initial salary than men, and this reluctance persists throughout their career. According to a study at G.E., men return to the negotiating table on average six times, while women average between zero and two. The gains men make with each negotiation might be small, but because each salary increase is based on current salary, these gains become cumulative until, according to recent estimates, men wind up earning $500,000 more than women over the course of their careers.

It's never easy to advocate on your own behalf--that's why actors turn to agents like Theresa--but why are woman disproportionately reluctant, and what can you do to push past this reluctance?

Theresa's advice: Do your research; compare your income to men's salaries, not women's; and always be ready with vivid examples of the strengths you've displayed to deserve the raise or promotion. This last one is especially important because, in the lab, repeated experiments show that women who negotiate hard are characterized negatively, whereas men benefit from the opposite effect. So get your facts straight, get your strengths straight, get your game face on, and steel yourself to see 'no' as the start of the negotiation.

Failing that, get an agent.

"Don't leave until you leave." - Sheryl Sandberg, COO, Facebook

I first heard Sheryl speak about this to a graduating class at Stanford, and it subsequently became the focus of a column she wrote for Fortune. In our conversations about it, her voice rises in passionate frustration. Time and again she has seen highly talented women turn down challenging career assignments because they are thinking about having a baby. Not that they actually have a baby. They aren't even pregnant. It's merely that they are thinking about it. And this thinking turns to planning, and the planning leads them to the conclusion that now isn't a good time to take on anything new. Sheryl's advice: Enough with your planning. You are on a fast career track right now, doing as much and earning as much and wanting as much as your colleagues, so stay on this track for as long as you can, and wait to see what unfolds. At some point you may have to interrupt your career with the demands of motherhood, but, if you want your momentum to sustain and your skills to stay relevant and your pay to reflect this, delay this interruption for as long as you can.

The data bear Sheryl out: women still earn on average 85 percent of the salary of men who do the same work, but according to the research of Professor June O'Neill, almost all of this difference is not due to outright gender discrimination, but to the fact that, during any given 15-year period, women average more than twice as much time out of the workforce as men do. Their reduced wages reflect this.

"Let go of what you don't love." - Billie Williamson, Senior Partner, Ernst and Young

Billie Williamson is a senior partner with Ernst and Young, and as it happens, she is also the head of Inclusiveness for all of E&Y North America. She began her career in the firm's offices in Dallas in the late '60s. To give you an idea of how things have changed, when she had her daughter, there wasn't a single daycare facility in Dallas that would take a child less than six months old.

Her advice to any woman just beginning her career: Learn to let go. She tells me, unrepentantly, delightedly, that her daughter's childhood photos are not arranged perfectly in a numbered series of scrapbooked albums. They're in a box. "At some point," she laughs, "I might get around to putting them in an album. Or maybe I won't. Maybe I'll just hand them to her one day and say, 'Here you go. Here's your childhood. You arrange it however you'd like.'"

She is, she says, the queen of outsourcing. House cleaning, grocery shopping, kid's birthday parties, all outsourced. You can't do everything, so don't fall into the trap of trying. Instead, find the moments in each aspect of your life that invigorate you, and imbalance your life toward those. (To help you find those moments, take the Strong Life Test.)

"You can't be a leader today without being a steward to other women." - Camille Mirshokrai, Director, Leadership Development, Accenture

Driven out of Iran by the '79 revolution, Camille came to the U.S. when she was 12 years old. She, her sister and her mother followed her father, who had escaped over the mountains into Afghanistan, and eventually was able to join them in Dallas.

From these uncertain beginnings--little English, no friends, a mystifying flight from her home--Camille, as head of Leadership Development, has risen to become one of Accenture's most influential executives. Her advice: If you want to help yourself, always make yourself available to help other women.

Accenture has more than 200,000 employees, with more than 60 percent of them located outside of the U.S. Confronted with an organization as vast and as far-flung as this, Camille, surprisingly, relies on an appeal to each individual woman. "We can install all the programs and policies we want," she says, "But, in the end, it comes down to one woman taking the call of one other woman, agreeing to a meeting, a coffee, a lunch, and sharing what she's learned. I am in my position now because I put in those calls, and someone took the time to answer me. I am their legacy. I believe every woman in our company should be actively mentoring other women, creating similar legacies."

Now, imagine the power surge if women in companies, universities, and community organizations across the country were actively creating similar "legacies" of their own. To be her best, the new president of the parent-teachers organization at the middle school is seeking guidance as intently as the next female vice president of marketing for a toy company. As you find your strongest life, look to be a leader. The saying, "Each one, teach one" applies to so much more than grade school and summer camp. Find your strongest life, and then make it count for more.

***

You can follow Marcus on Twitter and Facebook.

Marcus Buckingham is the bestselling author of five books, with more than 3.7 million copies in print, and the world's leading expert in personal strengths. An internationally renowned consultant and the founder of TMBC, a management consulting company, he has been hailed as a visionary by corporations such as Toyota, Coca-Cola, Microsoft, and Disney. Buckingham has been featured on "The Oprah Winfrey Show," "Larry King Live," "The Today Show," "Good Morning America," and "The View," and profiled in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Fortune, Fast Company, and Harvard Business Review. A Senior Researcher at Gallup Organization for nearly two decades, Buckingham addresses more than 250,000 people in live audiences each year and leads management training initiatives in organizations worldwide. His most recent book is Find Your Strongest Life (Thomas Nelson).

 

 

Comments

[Molly Cantrell-Kraig]

I especially like the comment from Camille Mirshokrai regarding the need for women to support other women in their fulfillment of their potential.

As a brief backgrounder, I was awarded the Margaret P. Benson scholarship when I returned to the University of Iowa at age 37. The award recognizes women who have helped to elevate and empower other women.

Many times, I feel as though women can be our own worst enemies in our quest to reach the C suite in greater numbers. In my opinion, it's important for women to forge a systemic support system, keeping in mind that colleagues of both genders bring unique and valuable skills to bear.

Thanks for the post. Insightful stuff.

[drxcreatures]

Opinions and Shared Thoughts are always Welcome. :)

[drxcreatures]

Opinions and Shared Thoughts are always welcome. Thank You for Posting. :)

[Pamela Hawley]

Marcus, thank you for writing on this topic. I think one implied lesson here is the importance of balance. Balance of priorities...balance between career and motherhood...balancing needs. I believe it's so important to choose one's key priorities, and not to settle for lesser priorities. Don’t settle for wishy washy. Set yourself on a firm foundation by identifying and going after your few big wins, every day.

Another key I've found is to be present. Doing many things at once (reconciling bills while trying to help your children with their latest painting) makes no one feel good. Time for work is time for work; time with your children is truly for them. Everyone will feel valued. And you've set yourself up for success, whatever that success might look like for each individual!

Sincerely,

Pamela

Founder and CEO
UniversalGiving
www.universalgiving.org

[Liezer]

All I gleaned from reading this is "be more like a man". And they wonder why so many women are unhappy?

[ohioirish]

"delay this interruption as long as you can"
Two thoughts - if having a healthy child is an interruption do not get pregnant. There are enough unwanted children in this world already.
2) Body clock . Much as you would like to wait as long as possible to have a child nature may have other ideas. Check the growth in infertility numbers.

And as for handing your daughter her childhood in a box - what a wonderful metaphor.

[LifeChangeStartsNow]

Marcus Buckingham, thank you for another wonderful post.

It's a shame there's so much resentment because work-at-home mothers don't see that they share the very same qualities embodied by these 4 women, just in a very different way.

Motherhood might be sacred to some but every woman deserves the right to organise her life the way it suits her best. And if it doesn't involve children, that's her right as well. When women begin to support other women instead of sneering at the individuals life choices, we will all progress much further as a group.

I look forward to your next post! There's always something for me to learn and I'm definitely going to promote this one.

[condor101]

Awful life lessons.
Motherhood is an "interruption"?
She outsourced taking care of her newborn baby to some stranger?
And she couldn't find time to arrange the baby pictures over the course of 10 years or more?

Yeah, hardly successful women.
Nobody every thought on their deathbed about their career and that they should have worked even harder.
Family is the most important aspect of life. Period.

[swancj]

I have been busy with a conference I co-planned for a volunteer anti-racism team I co-chair - so I missed the earlier articles. I was very disappointed - apparently successful means something very specific to the author. Not being an executive, or wealthy enough to hire out work, I will have to take a pass on most of the advice in this column. Except for the bit about leading other women -- that I manage to do some of the time, but I try to notice women on many diverse life journeys, not just the few who are exactly like me and sharing only my perspectives. Go figure.

[T Pol]

The link I came from to get to this was titled, "Career Advice from Successful Women," so I guess I was not offended that the focus was on women who have succeeded in business.

My favorite was Camille. Now THAT's strength! Please note that she reaches out to other women AND she is a new PTA president, so she's dedicated to her child(ren).

Nobody was bashing motherhood. Everyone has their own focus, method, etc. Many women HAVE to put their babies in daycare to support their families. Going to knock them, too? The hostility shown here is part of the reason women struggle -- damned if you do, damned if you don't.

How about more tolerance for choices and supporting girls and women in those choices? Perhaps his next column will be on female artists who raise their children at home. Or women who band together to share home schooling, carpooling and grocery shopping so each can go back to school, work and raise their kids.

Open your minds, open your hearts, and leave off being so judgmental. Sheesh.

[LifeChangeStartsNow]

TPol - I was about to leave similar comments when I read yours. I agree with you. American women in general have been brought up to think of themselves as mothers first, not women. And certainly not women who want to carve out a niche in life that suits their standards.

I notice this hostility far too often. The self righteousness of these women is a means of deflecting their defensiveness, hurt and perhaps disappointment in their life choices. Feelings they dare not own up to.

[Paul108]

My wife has given birth to five children at home; one planned without a midwife, while standing up. Now she's homeschooling them, and they're doing great. I'd say that's very strong and a tremendous achievement. Her career advice would be to stay home and let the husband support the family.

[oldpol2]

I find it interesting that you speak for her. In fact very telling.

[Badger84]

I'm just curious. What qualifies one to be an "expert in personal strengths?" What are the criteria?

[Ametista]

So happy women put their babies in daycare before age 6 months? You would have had to pry them from my cold dead fingers to let someone else raise them. I guess you have to be "strong" to hand over an infant so someone else can raise it? You can keep your "strong". I will have no regrets on my death bed.

[vvlavee]

Both my daughters began daycare at about 3 months, albeit no more than 15 hours a week. I'll have no regrets on my death bed, either.

[Omegaomni]

You may have no regret on your bed of death, but you will be alone for your children will be strangers to you.

[Strywever]

But you're not judging, right? ;-)

[busygirl]

I turned to this article to read more about how other women had "created a fulfilling, satisfying life." Apparently the author's definition of a satisfying life is very narrow, comprising pretty much the standard corporate definition of success & power. Very disappointing.

[LifeChangeStartsNow]

This article has nothing to do with corporate definition of success & power. You should read the article again and this time, with your mind open.

[truthmachine]

Whoa ... this is about manic corporatism, not "strong women" or "wisdom".

[isjois]

Like your point.

There's a stong feeling of "personal responsibility" when reading this article. We are all always responsible for everything that happens to us...or, at least, we "can" and "should" control our reaction to whatever others may do to us.

Whatever happened to the compliment of "social responsibility"? I get it - there is no "social responsibility" or "community" in coporatism. It's all about those in power. The individuals don't matter...except to themselves...and in making sure they always stay "productive" for those in charge.

[KentorThames]

Why do you expect "community" from American corporation? If you were working in Japan then yes there is "community" because most likely you will work there for life. Our corporate culture is a consequence of how workers can just quit their jobs with no notice.