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Margaret Cho Headshot

Let She Who Is Without Period Stains Throw The First Tampon

Posted: Updated:

I just saw a picture online of Britney's period stain
and I am horrified. I don't know why they would post a
picture of that and I really feel terrible about it. I
think that the paparazzi have gone too far. It is just
tasteless and barbaric. I am so sorry for Britney and
I hope she is ok. The only thing I can think of doing to
somehow make it better is to say that this has
happened to me about a million times.

I am the worst when it comes to period stains. That is
why I never move because my mattress is so so so so
stained that whenever I change the sheets it just
looks like a murder scene. I'm serious. Somebody
should put crime scene 'do not cross' tape up. It's
awful! I can't understand any woman who hasn't had
some kind of hot menses mess. Those women are weird
and probably perfect, and always get a pap smear every
six months, and have never had a weight problem or
worried about sitting on a white couch - and they are
no friends of mine!

Every month my body completely purges everything it
has been holding onto. My periods are heavy, long,
arduous - old furniture and books and records come
out. Gold coins and anchors and treasures and lace and
shoes. It's like a big clearance sale. Everything must
go! That is just the way that I am built. I am just
puzzled at the idea of a pantyliner or a regular
tampon. I need to stuff half an emergency room in
there every 28 days or I am looking at dying
everything I own black. (Here's a hot tip - if you
stain something with your own blood, spit on the stain
- your saliva has enzymes that will break it
down.unfortunately it has to be your blood and your
saliva - you can't do it for anyone else). When my
Aunt Flow comes to visit - the bitch brings presents.
All the feminine products I use have "overnight" on
the box.

The point here is let she who is without menstrual
stains throw the first tampon. Britney is not Carrie
and Chris Crocker was right - leave her alone!

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