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Margaret Cho

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Let She Who Is Without Period Stains Throw The First Tampon

Posted: 01/22/08 03:43 PM ET

I just saw a picture online of Britney's period stain and I am horrified. I don't know why they would post a picture of that and I really feel terrible about it. I think that the paparazzi have gone too far. It is just tasteless and barbaric. I am so sorry for Britney and I hope she is ok. The only thing I can think of doing to somehow make it better is to say that this has happened to me about a million times.

I am the worst when it comes to period stains. That is why I never move because my mattress is so so so so stained that whenever I change the sheets it just looks like a murder scene. I'm serious. Somebody should put crime scene 'do not cross' tape up. It's awful! I can't understand any woman who hasn't had some kind of hot menses mess. Those women are weird and probably perfect, and always get a pap smear every six months, and have never had a weight problem or worried about sitting on a white couch - and they are no friends of mine!

Every month my body completely purges everything it has been holding onto. My periods are heavy, long, arduous - old furniture and books and records come out. Gold coins and anchors and treasures and lace and shoes. It's like a big clearance sale. Everything must go! That is just the way that I am built. I am just puzzled at the idea of a pantyliner or a regular tampon. I need to stuff half an emergency room in there every 28 days or I am looking at dying everything I own black. (Here's a hot tip - if you stain something with your own blood, spit on the stain - your saliva has enzymes that will break it down.unfortunately it has to be your blood and your saliva - you can't do it for anyone else). When my Aunt Flow comes to visit - the bitch brings presents. All the feminine products I use have "overnight" on the box.

The point here is let she who is without menstrual stains throw the first tampon. Britney is not Carrie and Chris Crocker was right - leave her alone!