Are You An Emotional Clinger?

Are you emotionally dependent? Has this wreaked havoc in your relationships? What is Emotional Dependency?

Lydia consulted with me because her relationship with her husband, Andrew, was falling apart. Andrew had moved out, stating he could no longer tolerate Lydia's neediness and constant pull on him to make her feel loved and secure.

Now that they were separated, Lydia's emotional dependency was getting even worse. She was deeply addicted to Andrew making her feel better, if only through a brief text message.

Lydia believed her feelings of safety, worth and lovability had to come from someone else. She took no emotional responsibility -- no responsibility for what she was telling herself and how she was treating herself that were causing her pain and panic.

It soon became clear to Lydia that her panic was being caused by her own self-abandonment, not by Andrew abandoning her. She was constantly abandoning herself by judging herself, ignoring the feelings resulting from her self-judgments and then handing responsibility to Andrew to make her feel better. When she couldn't reach Andrew, she would collapse into tears and sooth herself with TV and food. She constantly felt panicked, not because Andrew was not there for her as she had believed, but because she had never developed an inner-loving adult self capable of taking loving care of herself.

As a result of her self-abandonment, Lydia was constantly emotionally needy and pulled on Andrew with her tears and anger. While she said she loved Andrew, her primary intent was to get love rather than to give and share love. Lydia was emotionally dependent.

What is Emotional Freedom?

We are emotionally free when:

• We do not make others, the past or circumstances responsible for our feelings -- we do not see ourselves as victims. Instead, we take responsibility for causing our own suffering by noticing how we treat ourselves and what we tell ourselves, and we nurture ourselves through the grief, sorrow, loneliness and heartbreak that come from painful life events, such as the death of a loved one.
• We are not governed by our feelings. Our feelings guide us, but we are not led around by them. We recognize our positive feelings of love, peace and joy are letting us know that we are taking loving care of ourselves, and that our negative feelings of anger, fear, hurt, anxiety, depression, guilt, shame and so on are letting us know that we are abandoning ourselves.
• We do not collapse into our feelings, becoming our feelings. Instead, we are a witness of our feelings and learn from them and/or nurture them.
• We take loving action on our own behalf to take responsibility for our painful feelings, and for our feelings of worth, lovability, safety and security.

Relationships and Emotional Responsibility

Relationships flounder when one or both partners are emotionally dependent on the other partner for their feelings of worth and security. When you abandon yourself and make your partner responsible for your pain and your self-worth, then you are stuck trying to have control over your partner taking care of you -- doing for you what you need to be doing for yourself.

When you are not loving and valuing yourself, you do not have love to share with your partner. You are constantly trying to get love rather than share love. Trying to have control over getting the love you need to be giving to yourself through your own self-care is what creates many relationship problems.

When both partners decide to learn how to take responsibility for their own feelings and learn to value themselves, they can then come together to learn, grow, play and share love. This is much more fun than trying to get love.

 

 

 

Follow Margaret Paul, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/innerbonding

Comments

[QtheHero]

02:13 PM on 07/20/2011

A most interesting article and a really good read. Fortunately, I'm perfect as evident by my two failed marriges and the fact that I am alone as of this entry lol. I did enjoy this piece very much and will savor it as food for thought.

[Majestry]

03:15 PM on 07/07/2011

Just more proof that there is no hope for me, haha. I honestly don’t even know if I’m an emotional clinger; I’ve never been in a relationship. With that said, I think it is probably a pretty safe assumption since I feel no affection toward myself… I actually can’t think of a person in the world I like less! I’m sure this is a result of how my childhood transpired – or lack thereof – but it doesn’t make me feel any better about it. I do know that the last time I got hugged – years ago in high school – it was so emotionally overwhelming I broke down and cried.

[Kristen Copeland]

06:57 PM on 07/06/2011

I totally agree..I was such an emotional clinger and it ruined some good relationships..I have learned

[Margaret Paul]

08:06 PM on 07/06/2011

Thanks for your comment Kristen. It's great that you have learned!

[anoise]

12:42 PM on 07/06/2011

Sometimes articles like this come around at the exact moment you need a kick in the head....

I found myself, just this morning, looking to my boyfriend to give me the "love fix" I thought I needed to get through some difficult, emotional situations. Going down the path of giving him the responsibility for my emotional strength will only drive him away. Sooner rather than later.

So after reading this, I turned myself around and back on the path of taking my own responsibility. He can walk next to me and hold my hand... he doesn't have to carry me.

Thank you!

[Margaret Paul]

01:14 PM on 07/06/2011

Thanks for letting me know that this article was so helpful to you! I love what you said: "He can walk next to me and hold my hand... he doesn't have to carry me." What a wonderful image this is of being open to receive his support rather than making him responsible for you.

[french queen13]

08:48 PM on 07/05/2011

Hi Margaret,

I think there's a distinction to be drawn between getting all one's sense of self-worth from another, and simply needing support and encouragement, or blossoming when love is given. I know my contentedness, self-image and happiness have improved greatly since knowing that my beloved does indeed love me. I did not feel worthless, unlovable or anything like that before, but to receive love, recognise it and trust it (which Lydia seems unable to do) makes a huge difference. It's akin to needing encouragement from friends - very easy to doubt oneself in a venture like writing, for example, without feedback. I understand that it has to be a two-way thing, and that it's hard to give love to another when you dislike yourself, but oh, how important that receiving - yes, that validation - can be! The joy of having the years long "could he love me?" doubt turned into a resounding YES, and learning that he wanted my love just as much, is hard to describe ... and I have typed reams trying! :)

[Margaret Paul]

09:11 AM on 07/06/2011

Hi french queen,

Thanks so much for your comment. Others love is indeed wonderful and important. However, if we are not focused on taking loving care of ourselves, others' love doesn't go in. It sounds like your partner's love goes deeply into you because you are also loving yourself! How wonderful that you and your partner are able to share love!

[Tree S-B]

11:02 AM on 07/05/2011

"We do not make others, the past or circumstances responsible for our feelings"
Statements like this, and the ones that followed it, do a great disservice to those who have experienced major trauma which results in conditions like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I think it's highly irresponsible for someone to state such things.

[Margaret Paul]

04:10 PM on 07/05/2011

I have worked with people for the last 43 years who have experienced major trauma and abuse, and resulting PTSD. While our feelings of heartbreak and grief and helplessness over trauma and abuse are caused by others, the past and circumstances, but we are still responsible for how we manage these feelings. My clients heal when they learn how to take loving and compassionate care of themselves. As adults, we all need to learn how to take full responsibility for our feelings. As I stated in the article, we are taking emotional responsibility when "we nurture ourselves through the grief, sorrow, loneliness and heartbreak that come from painful life events."

[Tree S-B]

08:56 AM on 07/06/2011

I appreciate your response and if I misread the article then I apologize for my comment. I will re-read it when I get a moment. Thanks.

[Vinivixen]

02:20 PM on 07/04/2011

Very insightful and very true. I know so many friends whose self-worth is defined by their partners.

[Margaret Paul]

02:50 PM on 07/04/2011

Thanks for your kind comment. It sounds like you have reached a place in your life where you are defining your own self-worth.