Fear of Intimacy

We all desire that deeply fulfilling experience of intimacy, yet many people have two fears in the way of intimacy. Discover what these fears are and how to heal them.

Emotional intimacy is one of the most wonderful experiences we ever have. Nothing else really comes close to the experience of sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings with another, of being deeply seen and known, of sharing love, passion, creativity, laughter and joy. The experience of intimacy fills our souls and takes away our loneliness.

Why, then, would someone be afraid of intimacy?

It is not actually the intimacy itself that people fear. If people could be guaranteed that intimacy would continue to be a positive experience, they would have no fear of it. What they fear is the possibility of getting hurt as a result of being intimate with another.

The Two Fears Underlying The Fear Of Intimacy

Many people have two major fears that may cause them to avoid intimacy: the fear of rejection (of losing the other person), and the fear of engulfment (of being invaded, controlled, and losing oneself).

Because many of us have learned to react to conflict with various controlling behaviors -- from anger and blame to compliance, withdrawal and resistance -- every relationship presents us with these issues of rejection and engulfment. If one person gets angry, the other may feel rejected or controlled and get angry back, give themselves up, withdraw or resist. If one person shuts down, the other may feel rejected and become judgmental, which may trigger the other's fears of engulfment, and so on. These protective circles exist in one form or another in most relationships. When the fears of rejection and engulfment become too great, a person may decide that it is just too painful to be in a relationship, and they avoid intimacy altogether.

Yet avoiding relationships leads to loneliness and lack of emotional and spiritual growth. Relationships offer us the most powerful arena for personal growth, if we accept this challenge. So what moves us beyond the fear of intimacy?

Healing The Fear Of Intimacy

The fear exists, not because of the experience itself, but because you don't know how to handle the situations of being rejected or controlled. The secret to moving beyond the fear of intimacy lies in developing a powerful, loving, adult part of you that learns how to not take rejection personally, and learns to set appropriate limits against engulfment.

When you learn how to take personal responsibility for defining your own worth instead of making others' love and approval responsible for your feelings of worth, you will no longer take rejection personally. This does not mean that you will ever like rejection; it means you will no longer be afraid of it and have a need to avoid it.

When you learn how to speak up for yourself and not allow others to invade, smother, dominate and control you, you will no longer fear losing yourself in a relationship. Many people, terrified of losing the other person, will give themselves up in the hope of controlling how the other person feels about them. They believe that if they comply with another's demands, the other will love them. Yet losing oneself is terrifying, so many people stay out of relationships due to this fear. If they were to learn to define their own worth and stand up for themselves, the fear would disappear.

When you deeply value yourself, you do not take rejection personally and become non-reactive to rejection. When you value yourself, you will not give yourself up to try to control another's feelings about you. When you value yourself, you are willing to lose another rather than lose yourself.

 

 

 

Follow Margaret Paul, Ph.D. on Twitter: www.twitter.com/innerbonding

Comments

[Ran Ran Sturgis]

02:06 PM on 07/04/2011

Confidence, self-esteem, or intimacy would not be a problem if they read this book called: WHY YOU ARE SO IMPORTANT FOR THIS LIFE, by author RAYMOND STURGIS

[Majestry]

03:51 PM on 06/29/2011

If only it were so easy! The what you describe is easy; the how is the hard part. Doubly so, I think, if you suffered rejection and abandonment from your parents and family as a child. I never really thought about my wishy-washy attitude about everything in order to avoid conflict as a fear of intimacy, but I guess it makes some sense. I try to do everything I can to be liked, I have difficulty saying no, I have trouble standing up for myself and for things I believe in, etc. Then again, I guess people can't actually like me if I'm being everything for everyone except being me for myself.

[Margaret Paul]

10:41 AM on 06/30/2011

I never said it was easy! But there is a process for the how. You might want to start to learn the Inner Bonding process by downloading our free eCourse at http://www.innerbonding.com/welcome. The Inner Bonding process gives you the tools you need to learn to stand up for yourself and like yourself so that you can let go of trying so hard to be liked.

[truthsabitterpill]

03:06 PM on 06/29/2011

I guess I just don't get it. I have no fear of being what you call intimate - if that is defined by telling people how you feel, making your feelings known to others. I have no fear that my thoughts or feelings will be rejected -they are all the time, but I still let them fly when I feel the need. I was constantly told as a young women, girl, child that my feelings were stupid, unwarranted and silly. I wanted so much to be heard, but then I grew up. And yes, even now I'm told my feelings, thoughts and such are this or that - when what they really are... are mine. They are neither right or wrong thoughts or feelings - they just are. And so what if I tell someone a deep dark feeling - secret thought - what can they do with it? Sympathize? Murmur platitudes? Why did I tell them anything at all? Why would I want somene to know me so well? Is anyone able to know another that deeply, that intimately? I've been married for over 20 years to the same man, I think he knows me well enough, he thinks he knows what I'm thinking all of the time, but frankly he doesn't. I'd say 75% of the time - I guess that is as intimate as it gets. There still needs to be some suprises up my sleeve.

[Margaret Paul]

10:48 AM on 06/30/2011

What I mean by intimate is having an open heart and sharing love in its many forms. Telling your feelings is less a part of intimacy than sharing your feelings of love, joy, and pain. Also intimacy includes sharing fun, beauty, learning and growth. Whether or not telling people how you feel is intimate depends on your intent in telling them your feelings. We can tell people our feelings to share information, get help from them, or share our heart, or we can tell our feelings as a means of control - to make others responsible for our feelings. The first intent brings about intimacy and the second brings about distance.

[truthsabitterpill]

07:06 AM on 07/02/2011

Wow! I guess I've been getting it right all along then. In fact I don't think I've actually met anyone who has these fears of intimacy since people tend to tell me too much information sometimes, as if they have the need to purge themselves or be validated and of course being the wonderful giving person I am, I a let them, since everyone needs to be validated at times. I've only had one man - an employee - that told me he had worked for many people in his life, men and women alike and I was the only one he couldn't get a 'read' on. I never really understood what he meant by that since I figured my life was an open book and I'm the kind of person who 'tells it straight. I think most people must have this natural inclination to be intimate with each other on a day to day basis - if they don't then they are doing a pretty good job of pretending.

[Jeanne Ball]

04:21 PM on 06/28/2011

This is a really beautiful article and I like what you said about taking "personal responsibility for defining your own worth."

As a teacher of meditation, I see people grow stronger in their sense of self worth as they deepen their connection to their big Self. By transcending the surface, outer aspects of one's personality during meditation, and experiencing a more expanded and universal level of one's Being, it transforms how we feel about our self. We have more inner happiness and self-love to fall back on in the face of rejection and also have more to give from in a relationship.

[Margaret Paul]

10:14 PM on 06/28/2011

Thanks for your kind comment. I agree that as people connect within, they are able to see their true self, leading to inner strength and self-love, as well as the ability to share love from inner fullness.

[jf12]

12:31 PM on 06/28/2011

Intimate rejection is inherently personal.