Our society has long trained children to be "nice." Being nice might mean:
Being nice often means being inauthentic. It can be a form of control -- attempting to control how the other person feels about you or how they respond to you.
Being loving, on the other hand, means being honest and authentic. It means being kind, but truthful. Being loving is about caring about yourself and the other person, rather than trying to control the other person with niceness.
Hailey and Emma have been good friends for a couple of years. They speak regularly on the phone and meet for lunch fairly often. In one of my phone sessions with Hailey, she explored a situation concerning Emma that is a problem for her.
"I really like Emma, but I frequently get bored with our conversations. She tends to go on and on telling stories that don't seem to have a point to them. Most of the time the stories are really complaints about the people in her life. I'd be interested in the stories if they led to some interesting learning or exploration, but without that, I just end up feeling dumped on. It's getting so that I don't look forward to talking with her anymore."
"Hailey, how do you respond when Emma does that?"
"Well, sometimes I say, 'It would be more interesting to me if we could explore and learn something from this situation.' Other times, I just listen."
"What happens when you do say that?"
"She just keeps going on and on."
"Hailey, it sounds like you are trying to be nice to Emma rather than being loving to yourself and to her. You are letting her use you, which is not good for you or her. What are you afraid of in being authentic and speaking your truth?"
"I guess I don't know how to say it without being harsh and judgmental. I don't want to hurt her."
"So, what would you say to her if you were to tell your truth?"
"All I can think to say is that I'm bored, and I think that would be hurtful to her."
"Hailey, the key here is to really let her in on your truth with a desire to learn about her rather than control her. For example, you might say, 'Emma, I have a hard time staying connected with you when you complain and tell stories. I find myself feeling bored and my mind wanders. I've mentioned it before, but you keep doing it. There must be some good reasons that it's important to you to do this.' How do you think she would respond if you said this?"
"I think she would be open to it. We could probably get into a really good discussion about it and it would be far more interesting than the story-telling and complaining."
"The challenge is that you will need to do this many times, each time she goes on and on. For most people, their behavior is habitual. Emma may be addicted to complaining as a way to get attention and sympathy. She will likely not stop just because you speak up once. You will need to speak up over and over. The only way you will be able to do this is if it is more important to you to be loving to yourself and her than it is to attempt to control how she feels about you by being nice. It is not loving to yourself to allow yourself to continue to feel bored and used, and it is not loving to her to allow her to continue to behave in a way that pushes people away from her. Your honesty and desire to learn is far more loving than your niceness."
"Well, I'm going to try this. It will be a challenge for me. I think I'm addicted to trying to control others with niceness, but I really like the idea of being authentic!"
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I'm am surprised by loved ones feeling used when discussing emotional issues. Aren't we supposed to be there for each other? I thought that was our purpose? Diff people need dif kinds of love.
I think I try and ferret out issues by airing them. Diligently working on emotional heath instead of dysfunction (not communicating/connecting). It can be hard to find real honesty even from those we love. Sharing experiences creates connection. Maybe she is just a talker when comfortable?
This does not seem like a kind response- but as long as it is the 'truth'. She is trusting you with her softest points and some can't scrape up enough compassion to give some understanding. She prob does not think her emotions are more important than yours. She may want to share with you.
Why don't you just tell her you aren't her friend or you really bored with her struggles because you have your own to deal with. Or tell her this isn't the kind of relationship you want (to lean on each other) & she stresses you out. You need a different kind of outlet? Just tell her your truth. Hopefully you will never been in need of truthful kind words.
I do resist being honest sometimes for hurting others. I hate that part.
There is also a difference btwn "turning the other cheek" when dealing those who just look for conflict & reaction. Those who say it is honesty, but are not really searching themselves or taking resp. for their own feelings. We have to have compassion for them, but not participate.
Life can be complicated when communicating. But it is necessary if we truly want healthy relationships.