Our beliefs about romances, even when spawned from untrue but often repeated relationship ideas and assumptions from outside of us, can feel true. Start de-cluttering by dissecting these to identify stuff that is true as well as stuff that isn't. One effective sorting tool I like to use as a professional psychic is the scientific method: If you can find just one exception to a statement, then the statement is not true.
The scientific method is accurate and efficient for testing statements that we either hold inside already or hear from others. A notion can seem true for some people sometimes. However, if there is any exception then we know for a fact that it is not really true because it doesn't occur all the time, under all conditions.
Once you can sort and debunk erroneous concepts using personal observation, logic and the scientific method, it is crucial that you replace them with statements that are actually true. I cannot emphasize enough how important replacing old ideas is; so make sure this always gets done.
To demonstrate how to restate falsehoods into actual and true statements, I am going to start by testing some commonly held beliefs and some of the most pervasive and damaging notions surrounding romantic relationships (since these cause the worst problems) and restating them to reflect truth.
Horrible Relationship Myth #1: You Complete Me
Or, in other words: "Falling in love makes a person whole." "If I love you enough, you will feel better." "If you love me enough, I will feel better." This implies that a person cannot feel whole without another loving them.
This is completely incorrect. Does it make logical sense that we must be loved by others in order to feel complete? This is very bad news for loners and single people. It is also not true at all spiritually and metaphysically because each individual consciousness is already perfectly whole. It is psychically impossible for others to complete us. The only person who can make us whole is our self.
What is true is that some people benefit from the support and assistance of someone who loves them. On the other hand, because there are many counterexamples of individuals who never seem to get or feel better -- no matter how much they are loved and assisted -- we know that loving someone does not automatically help get them happier or healthier.
What is also true is that the more complete and whole we are, the better our connections with others. The causal arrow runs that way: first we are healthy, and then we have healthy relationships. First, we are happy, and then we have happy relationships. See The Missing Piece Meets the Big O by Shel Silverstein for the definitive word on this topic.
This misstatement then can be restated into this true statement: No one can complete another; however love and support can be beneficial and life enhancing.
Horrible Relationship Myth #2: Relationships Take (Exhausting) Work
The truth of the above statement hinges on what the speaker means by the word work. Some relationships have trouble running smoothly. Mediocre relationships often need some drudgery to keep them going. These are like bad cars that keep breaking down and need constant repair.
Sure, yes, the vast majority of people, especially those of my own Boomer Generation, have less than fabulous relationships that require a certain amount of laborious effort to maintain. And these folks want to tell you that this is normal! "Relationships Take Work!" usually translates to: In order to keep many relationships going, you have to do a lot of pushing, and repairing, and ignoring, and...
On the other hand, there plenty of wonderful, happy, healthy connections that do not take grinding amounts of toil to keep them running -- they only take attention and maintenance. So, if the word workin the statement implies drudgery and exhausting toil, then the statement is false. If the word work means paying attention and applying effort toward positive maintenance and upkeep, then it is true.
So, what's really true is: Healthy, joyful relationships take attention and effort to keep them running well, not exhausting toil and arduous drudgery. If a relationship is constantly breaking down, that is not ok just because it is "normal."
Horrible Relationship Myth #3: Relationships Require Compromises
If you are currently in or are contemplating a relationship that requires you to sacrifice or compromise something important to you, you do not have a perfectly happy or healthy relationship. Excellent, healthy relationships do not require any kind of a major compromise on the part of either person.
People use this myth as an excuse to accept less than what they really want in their important voluntary relationships -- like romances -- in order to feel seemingly safe. No one however has ever been made emotionally safe by compromising what s/he really wanted or negating essential aspects of the self.
What is true is that great relationships seem to thrive on cooperation. These often exhibit the spirit of mutual support, vision and teamwork. People who care for you, the authentic you, will not ask you to compromise who you are and what is important to you to make them happy.
What is really true: Relationships seem to thrive on cooperation, but someone who loves the authentic you will never ask you to compromise important parts of yourself.
Horrible Relationship Myth #4: No One is Perfect
This has many guises: "No relationship is perfect," "It's unrealistic to expect a perfect relationship," and the worst, "Since I'm not perfect, I won't get/deserve a perfect relationship or a perfect partner/friend."
Many of us were taught to believe that our permanent life-job is to fix our virtually uncountable personal flaws. Personal insidious flaws are shown to us constantly on air brushed magazine covers, advertising and television. And apparently these flaws keep others from wanting to befriend us, date us, or -- and this is the most frightening -- mate with us.
What is true, metaphysically, is that there is some flawed person out there that could very well be perfect for you. There are men and women out there who do not look like magazine models, aren't millionaires yet and have zero athletic trophies to their name and still they could be wonderful possible mates because of their great sense of humor or adorable smiles. They are perfect in the way they fit the type of relationship that you enjoy.
The other good news is that you, despite never having been on a magazine cover, could be perfect for them.
True Restatement: There are people out there who are perfect friends, buddies, and mates for you, and you for them.
Questions, comments and ideas are welcome and encouraged. Contact Psychic Margaret Ruth on her Facebook page, email email@example.com or call 801-575-7103. You can also get details on private readings, Margaret's classes and blog at www.margaretruth.com. Margaret Ruth has been on radio, television, published in newspapers and magazines and major websites. She is the author of Superconscious Connections: The Simple Psychic Truths of Perfectly Satisfying Relationships (Oct. 2010) and this post is from a portion of that upcoming book.
We’re basically your best friend… with better taste. Learn more