As many of you know, we discuss love relationships, psychically and common-sensically, on the famous Radio From Hell show every Friday morning (KXRK 96.3 FM - www.x96.com). Many people want happy, fulfilling interpersonal connections in their life and continue to struggle over this. So, I want to pass on a first step towards this goal: a simple, non-psychic, inner response that can immediately take about 10% of the usual relationship angst out of your daily life.
It is fairly simple. Now, and tomorrow, and always, assume that the person you are relating with is doing the best she can for that time and that situation. No matter what others are saying or doing, assume "he is giving me his best available at this moment," and you will start feeling better about relationships and other people instantly.
Good Reason #1: Accuracy
There are several reasons to make this your ongoing working assumption. First, this assumption is accurate about, say, 85% of the time. The odds are very strong that at any point in time, what you are getting from another is the best that person has, for that moment, for that situation. Few people are going to go out of their way to undermine their relationship with you. Sure, there are times when someone is consciously not giving you his best. But, most of the time, what you are seeing/ hearing from others is what they can manage at that moment. Other people's reactions to situations rarely have anything to do with you personally and much more to do with their own inner processing and state of mind.
Good Reason #2: Avoiding Emotional Quicksand
Which leads to the next reason this is a good working assumption: it keeps you from an emotional quicksand pit that goes something like the following.
Your Inner Angst Generator: Boy that guy gave me such a brush off. He must not think well of me or not care about me. I know he could do better so therefore he is deliberately hurting me by not giving me better behavior. I am angry -- that person gave me a bad reaction! I am ripped off! I am hurt! That person is bad!
Meanwhile:
Other Person's Inner Angst Generator: I am so stressed...Life is getting me down...I can't cope...
Labeling other people's reactions to you as "good to me" or "bad to me" allows you to take everything someone does personally. You could get trapped in carrying other people's stuff around with you, in the name of a personal affront.
It gets more complicated the closer you are to someone. Imagine that your significant other says something that upsets you that are taking personally. You could start fuming or getting mad at this: "How dare she treat me like that!" But, really, almost all of the time, what is going on with that individual is dictating her behavior, not you. You might provide a catalyst for a reaction, but it ends there.
You are going to be much happier if you start thinking, "Ok, I did not like that, but I am assuming that was the best she had for that moment and this situation." You can try to have a healthier give-and-take later. Or, if this type of thing keeps up and continues to be unsatisfying, you can re-think the relationship in general. More on that below.
I often hear from clients the lament that their ex-something (boyfriend, wife, mother, whatever) never treated them lovingly or well. There is a feeling of being Ripped Off! by that person's refusal to act in the loving manner the relationship implied. All kinds of angst, anger, insecurities enter here about not being treated well.
However, when I read (doing the psychic lady thing) the past for the client, often it turns out that the Ex-es in question did not actually have much better to offer. Perhaps they were insecure or stressed themselves and could not really give the relationship what we observers would agree (I know my clients think this!) the relationship needed to be a healthy, happy one. So, most people are not being ripped off by the others who are holding back the best of their love or affection. It is usually, simply, that these others gave the best they could manage, at that time, in that relationship. Maybe they could do better at some other time, in some other situation. But, the fact remains that what they gave was the best available.
Good Reason #3: Being a Happier You
The last reason to carry the handy working assumption with you is that when you are not taking other people's stuff personally, you maintain your perspective. We could even call it a healthy perspective. In cultivating an understanding that most of the time, most people are giving you the best available, you can start looking at which relationships are worth maintaining. What I mean here is, if you interpreting the ongoing relationship correctly, you are more likely to correctly pick those connections that are most fulfilling and satisfying.
Here is an example. You care about being on time but have a friend that never honors this when you make plans. You explain it. You beg. You communicate. You sulk. Nothing works; she seems to go out of her way (obviously!) to disregard your feelings. You start getting angry. You know she could change her behavior if she cared!
But, if you would choose to assume that what she is giving you is really the best she has in this area, then you can make a different choice. Knowing that this is it -- it does not get better and it is not personal -- now what do you want to do? Keep the relationship? End it? Downgrade it? Whatever you choose, and there is no correct choice, you will be much happier in the outcome. Keep the relationship and not be mad anymore. Step away from making plans with her without rancor. End the relationship with understanding. Whatever it is, you are guaranteed the situation is going to much healthier for all concerned, without attendant drama. Does this make sense?
Margaret Ruth is one of Utah's most popular psychics and metaphysical teachers. Listen in every Friday morning on the nationally known Radio From Hell morning show on KXRK 96.3 at X96.com or go to her website, www.margaretruth.com for self development and psychic tools classes taught at the University of Utah. Her upcoming book is Meta-Relationships and The Very Simple Psychic Truths of Real People Connections -- This is NOT Your Parents' Relationship Manual!