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Mommy Knows Best: The Wordy Girls' Guide to Good Manners

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My daughter recently turned five, which makes me feel as old as Betty White, and makes me think now is the time to instill some serious values in her. Often times, I find myself in social circumstances where I'm downright traumatized by the way young girls and even older women behave. Good etiquette has been thrown to the wayside. Couth is stuck in 1990 (or before then!?). Words such as "please" and "thank you" are a dying lexicon. With that said, here are some observations everyone is thinking but are too afraid to say -- notions I plan on drilling into my daughter so she blossoms into an empathetic being that doesn't dress like a tramp in hooker heels.


Here, readers, are the The Wordy Girl's Guide to Good Manners:
Keep it classy, never trashy.

  • "Please," "thank you" and "yes ma'am/sir" will get you far in life -- as will fetching coffee at your first job.
  • If your shoes make you painfully walk like a geisha, burn them. You look preposterous.
  • Ladies do not wear Lucite heels. Ever.
  • Eyelash length should never rival that of the Snuffleupagus.
  • Never pay retail. That's just plain stupid and fiscally irresponsible.
  • Know your self worth. Especially when it comes to men and your job.
  • Pleather should only be worn on Halloween.
  • Beauty is indeed only skin deep, but get regular pedis. Please and thank you.
  • A lady knows where her wine glass, water glass and bread plate are located.
  • Friends don't let friends get inebriated to the point of making out with a tree. It's happened, folks. Google it.
  • Marry your best friend. Looks and passion fluctuate but true companionship is forever and constant.
  • Do something for YOU every day. This could be a simple as indulging in a TV marathon of Max & Ruby (Ava's favorite) or reading smut. Like 50 Shades of Grey.
  • Acrylic nails are over. Done. Goodbye. So long. Farewell.
  • If people are staring at your boobs, instead of your eyes, cover up. It's tacky.
  • Nobody's perfect. Even Giselle Bündchen has bad hair days. Don't quote me on that.
  • When you're old enough to date, do some recon work. Google and Wikipedia are your friends.
  • Tramp stamps are verboten. Nothing says, "I'm easy" like a lower back tat.
  • Hand-written thank you notes are dying a slow, painful death. Write one today. They speak volumes.
  • Be nice, kind, altruistic, positive and happy in a grand way. You have one shot at this life. Go big or go home!