No one wants to even think about placing a loved one with Alzheimer's in a facility. Period. But I had no choice. I had a full-time job and was spending every free moment caring for my soul mate, Ed. Yet he needed so much more care than I could possibly provide.
I tried having professional caregivers come in to help but that was a disaster. Ed needed much more care than even two people could provide. Day care didn't work any better. They told me his dementia was too advanced for them to handle.
He was walking around his apartment naked most of the time. I was terrified he'd leave the apartment with a cab driver, which he'd previously done on a regular basis. I worried he'd get lost and not be able to find the cab driver to go back home. I was afraid he'd be lost forever.
Plus, he was drinking prodigious amounts of vodka, starting before noon and ending at 3:00 a.m.. I tried in vain to get him to drink less. He had fallen several times -- probably due to the alcohol and/or his advancing dementia. Fortunately, he hadn't injured himself but I knew it was just a matter of time. And he wasn't eating well. He was 5'8" and weighed only 115 pounds. I couldn't get him to eat more, either.
As I describe in Come Back Early Today - A Memoir of Love, Alzheimer's and Joy, I was distraught at the very thought of putting him in a facility. He'd come to this country with little more than the shirt on his back as a political refugee, fleeing the brutal communist regime in Romania. And there I was, fixing to admit him to an institution where he'd be in a secured unit. The very thought broke my heart and always left me in tears.
So there I was with this 92-year old man who desperately needed to be in an Alzheimer's care facility. The only thing was, he adamantly refused to go. He said he'd die first. He always said he'd die first. Always.
I was under intense pressure from his doctor, his lawyer, his close friends, my lawyer, several other professionals I had consulted and all my family and friends to get him into a safe place and to do it quickly, even if I had to take him against his will. That idea scared me to death. I was sure he'd never speak to me again. Not a fitting end to a 30-year relationship.
To make a long story short, after our third visit to the Alois Alzheimer Center in Cincinnati, he did agree to go. He adjusted quickly and was too demented to understand that he couldn't open the door to leave his unit.
Our love blossomed once again. Once I didn't have to care for him and worry about him every available moment, I could relax and just enjoy visiting him.
Now, what do I have to say about all this?
There are better ways to get loved ones into a facility when they don't want to go. For example, some people take their loved one to a facility and say, "Let's go in. I want to visit someone." Then when they leave they simply don't put the person back in the car. You can imagine the patient's initial rage, but facilities are used to dealing with this and know how to handle it.
Another method is to say, "We have reservations for dinner." Then take the person to the selected facility at lunch or dinner time and go into the dining room and sit down and eat with him or her. Then, as in the previous method, when leaving after the meal simply don't put the person back in the car.
It's important to remember that we are responsible for the health and well-being of our loved ones with Alzheimer's. If we cannot care for them adequately -- for whatever reason -- it's up to us to make sure they are safe and well cared for no matter how heartbreaking it is for us. Fortunately, most patients do adjust. In fact, I've been told by staff at long-term care facilities that the transition is often more painful for the caregiver than for the patient.
What methods have others of you used to get your loved one into a nursing home when he or she didn't want to go?
What methods have others of you used to get a loved one into a facility when the person didn't want to go?
I understand a little of what you went thru. My husband sustained a life threatening brain injury that put him in a coma for 3 days. Long/short memory gone, hearing gone. He, luckily does not have much continued brain trauma.
I also have a son, 24, with severe Cerebral Palsy. He cannot do anything physical for himself. Think of a 6 month old. Cognitively more advanced. It is difficult daily and will be the rest of his and my life.
My dad has Parkinsons. Altho we see few changes in the brain at this point (8 years) we do know what's coming. He and my mom have been together since they were 14 and 15. They are now 63 and 64. I worry about my mom and what she will be up against when my dads brain isn't working the way it has for the last 64 years. I have my own struggles at home with my son, and altho can help, wont be there 24/7. I hope she will take my suggestion and place him at some point, but I guess we will cross that bridge when it gets here.
I can feel the love you have for you husband. I am sorry his life couldn't be what you and he would have wanted in his later years. I commend you for the for the decision to allow yourself the opportunity to visit him instead of the continued burden of caring for him.
Our MN dept of Health has said our website is a good resource for professionals...
My husband, 8 years ago had a brain injury over seas. He was in a coma for 3 days. When he came out of the coma he was very volitile and was deaf. He had long and short term memory loss. Didn't know who I was. He drank and if I DID take the liquor out of the house (as you suggest is so damned easy) he would fly into rages. Him 200lbs, me 5" and 110lbs. He is still deaf, he doesn't drink and he is back to himself.
My father is in the early stages of Parkinsons. He WILL have some sort of dementia before he dies. He will also deteriorate into a shell of himself. Again because it is a brain condition the brain reacts differently than it normally would. Who knows how he will act/react. The brain is complex. Dad is strong willed. May be huge problems for mom as the brain changes. I will suggest to my mom, a home for my dad. I can't be sole caregiver and I wouldn't want her to try to be. They have been together almost 50 years.
I don't know what reply you expected, but I hope that you educate yourself before commenting on something you know nothing about in the future. Don't be a caregiver.