THE BLOG

2023 (Or "Days of Future Past")

05/19/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011
  • Mark Axelrod Professor of Comparative Literature, Chapman University

It is the year 2023. Roe v. Wade is celebrating its 50th anniversary. The abortion pills Mifepristone, Misoprostol and the highly popular, Pregnot are being sold all over the world and have been improved to such a degree that the side effects are minimal. For those women who choose to have an out-patient surgical procedure done, every industrialized country in the world will do that. Here, in the United States, the battle rages on in Congress with male politicians still arguing about the same things they were arguing about in 1973.

At the same time Congress is battling about abortion rights, it has reinstituted the military draft since, as one South Carolina senator has quipped, "We need more asses in uniform." Apparently, this is due to the fact that as fighting continues in Afghanistan (troop withdrawal set for July) there is a need for more bodies. For some reason, college campuses are quiet.

Spanish is now the second language in the US and in some parts of the country, reminiscent of Brussels, street signs are written in both English and Spanish. With Caucasians becoming more and more a major minority in the country one tends to hear slogans like, "Qué circunda, viene alrededor" a phrase that loses something in translation.

Though it's been seven years since the end of the Obama Presidency, Birthers are still clamoring to see Obama's birth certificate along with that of new President Rubio (no relation to the fish taco magnate) who, thanks to the 2010 Supreme Court decision of Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, No. 08-205, was elected by some very influential rogue corporations operating out of South America. After all, corporations are people too.

59-year old Sarah Palin and 67-year old Michelle Bachman have been a comedy team since they joined up for their famous $10,000 a Photo celebration in Minnesota in 2010 and their movies have been extremely popular. In France, their films rate almost as high as those of Jerry Lewis, The Disorderly Orderly, and The Nutty Professor. Future plans include reprising the Bob Hope-Bing Crosby road pictures starting with "Road to Juneau" followed by "Road to Eden Prairie." Neither one has any aspirations of returning to politics.

Making good on his promise of leaving the United States, Rush Limbaugh celebrated his 72nd birthday from his hospital bed in San Jose Costa Rica, as he battles throat cancer and blames Communist Cubans for making poor cigars.

Meanwhile, here in the US, reforms to the 2010 health reform overhaul have been tied up in the Senate since 2011. The problem seems to be that Republicans are still working on the "step by step" approach by "starting from scratch" and have yet to take the first step to reform what hadn't been reformed since the Obama administration.

After having his cola spiked with LSD, former Fox broadcaster, 59-year old Glenn Beck had a spiritual awakening and began a crusade against human rights abuses and social injustice. For his unmitigated service, he was awarded an Honorary Degree from Harvard University (since he never earned a college degree) and then discovered the issue of global warming. He plans to make it his top priority. Who would have thought?

Marijuana has been legalized in almost all 50 states becoming a prime source of tax revenue for state governments and freeing up local police departments from wasting precious police time weighing weed by the gram during traffic stops. Following the Dutch scheme, a number of states have legalized prostitution and statistics show there has been a drastic reduction in violent crime against women in those states. Who would have thought?

57-year old Chef Gordon Ramsay has opened up a string of Gordon Ramsay Daycare Centers throughout the United States emphasizing literacy and the proper usage of four letter words. Now a television series called Daycare Nightmares, phrases like "Learn your *ucking A, B, Cs already!" and "Your writing isn't worth a *hit!" have become critical learning phrases enjoyed by parents and youngsters alike.

The Earl Gray Party (formerly known as the Tea Party), which began with a groundswell in 2008, has become a major political party and addresses such prevailing issues as birth documentation, legal immigration, discrimination against minorities, social intolerance and revisionist history. These will be the key issues in their 2024 platform.

Not the golfer he was before the 2009 sex scandal, 48-year old Tiger Woods has become one of the biggest adult film producers in Hollywood. His company, Tiger Tails Production, is one of the top grossing adult film companies in the United States.

In celebration of General Barry McCaffery's bold prediction in 2003 that Bin Laden would be "dead by December," the 66-year old Bin Laden released yet another tape saying that he'll commit suicide before being taken alive. The CIA is still trying to confirm the authenticity of the tape.

Ironically, Toyota, once one of the largest manufacturers of automobiles in the world, now produces brakes for all the other car manufacturers in the world.

87-year old Republican Senator John McCain is still holding up legislation on "don't ask don't tell." When confronted with the fact that gays have been in the military since the military was the military, McCain was quoted as saying, "Don't confuse me with the facts."

Finally, Israel and Palestine celebrated the 75th anniversary of fostering war between each other. 74-year old Israeli president, Benjamin Netanyahu and newly elected Palestinian president, Cide Hamete Benengeli, each stopped long enough to make a toast to another 25 years of death, destruction and Middle East chaos as construction of a series of high rise condominiums were being built in east Jerusalem.

Days of future past.

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