The following is an open letter to the American people from Bei Mu-rong, a top Chinese government official currently serving as Minister of Crap Made in China.
Dear Americans,
I'm honored to have this opportunity to speak directly to you, and I'd like to thank your government for allowing you to read this Web site.
The past couple of months have been a trying time for relations between our two countries, as many Americans have been led to believe that products made in China fail to meet even basic safety standards, specifically those products made out of poison.
Fortunately, the U.S.-China relationship is strong enough to endure this rough period. Also, fortunately, we own you. Excuse me a moment while I blow my nose into a U.S. Treasury Note. Ah, much better.
Nonetheless, we in China are not taking lightly the spate of recent items in your news media on the subject of Chinese product safety. Heck, that's why we executed a guy!
Rest assured, we are prepared to do whatever it takes to regain the confidence of the American people. From here on out, the packaging for all products made in China for the U.S. market will include a toll-free number that customers may use to register their comments or complaints or to request that the worker who assembled the product be executed.
You will soon also be able to request Chinese-worker executions online. (We are still tinkering with the homepage design.)
Allow me now to address a few specific concerns. My inbox has been overflowing with thousands of e-mails from American parents of toddlers about a toy train you refer to as Thomas. How so many of you got the personal e-mail address of a top Chinese government official is a mystery, though my friends in your country -- specifically those in the service industry -- tell me that American parents of toddlers can annoy anyone if they set their minds to it.
There is no point, however, in denying the fact: Several toys in the Thomas & Friends line, including a red-colored train named James, did contain lead paint. Now, certainly, lead paint isn't as likely to warp a child's brain as telling him that trains have names like Thomas and James.
Still, we have fixed the problem on our end, as all red-colored toys in China have gone back to being painted with factory workers' blood.
I'd also like to comment on the recent scare regarding toothpaste. Again, there is probably no point in issuing denials and then rolling out the tanks on your town squares. Some toothpaste manufactured in my country did indeed contain a poison known as fluoride. Oops, I mean diethylene glycol.
However, the Chinese-manufactured toothpaste that's been recalled in the U.S. have names like Dentakleen, Clean Rite and Dr. Cool Coolmint. C'mon, who's even heard of those brands? If you're not buying Colgate or Crest or Aim (I love Aim!), you can't very well be surprised if your toothpaste's got some poison in it.
I tell you what. Let me ask around here if any of the Crest coupons we were amassing for a while instead of Treasury Notes are still good and I'll send them back your way. We all good now?
Finally, many of you are concerned that Chinese factory workers toil long hours in squalid conditions for paltry wages. Hold on a minute. I'm being told you're not concerned about that. Never mind then!
Be safe,
Bei Mu-rong, Minister of Crap Made in China