The time of year is upon us. The time of year when we all make a resolution to either give sometime up or make ourselves better people by working out more or eating fewer sweets. It's also the time of year I wish I had remembered to buy stock in Nicorette. With the New Year right around the corner, I think it's time that we all gave up doing things that we know annoy our friends on social media. Sure, we can all try going to the gym every day or quitting smoking, but come Valentine's Day you will inevitably be face down in a pizza pie, pounding cigarettes and kicking yourself for not making a more realistic New Years Resolution. However, giving up bad habits on social media will not only make you feel better, but make your online relationships (and your real life one's too -- don't forget about them) a hell of a lot stronger and they are all very, very doable. Here are seven resolutions we can strive for in 2014 to make social media a better place for everyone.
1. Stop Posting About How Wonderful Your Relationship Is.
We all have those friends who incessantly post about how amazing their relationship or significant other is. The thing is, no one cares. These people relentlessly post about how great their love life is because they are either trying to make their single friends jealous (you know those posts: "So happy I found Rick, I couldn't bare to go to a another singles mixer #blessed.") or they're hiding the fact that their relationship really isn't as great as everything thinks it is by overcompensating on social media. A wise man who goes by the name of Mike Kelton once told me: "The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it at all on Facebook." So before you take to social media to gush about how amazing your man is, remember that anyone on this earth is capable of being in a relationship and just because you post about how wonderful yours is on Facebook, doesn't mean that anyone necessarily cares about it. This rule does not, however, include engagement announcements and wedding photos. Everyone likes those.
2. Stop Saying "This" and "Literally."
Use your words people! I am so tired of people simply posting the word "this" followed by an article or picture. There are wonderful adjectives to describe something you've just read (use one of the words you read in the article that you just posted about) and I was always told a picture is worth a thousands words so utilize here! One word we can literally take out of our vocabulary is "literally." If one more person tells me that they're "literally dying over this!" I am going to literally unfriend them and literally walk to their apartment to check their pulse to make sure they didn't literally die. When you literally die, you're dead and cannot post on Facebook. Please stop the false alarms regarding your death.
3. Nix the "Sleeping Selfie" from Your Selfie Repertoire.
Thank God for selfies! How would be know what our friends looked like without constantly seeing them on our newsfeed? However, the jig is up with the sleeping selfies, guys. We know you're not sleeping. If you were, you wouldn't be able to take a picture of yourself, upload it to Instagram and use a million different hashtags to describe something that every single human being on the planet needs to do in order to function in life. Sleeping is by far, the most uninteresting thing we do every day and if I wanted to see what you looked like while you were sleeping, I would be cuddled up right next to you. But I'm not, and neither are the rest of your Facebook friends -- so cut the crap. (This does not included someone else taking a picture of you while you're sleep cuddling a pet or baby. Everyone loves those pictures and they always get a ton of likes.)
4. Cease Posting Articles About How "Real" of a Person Jennifer Lawrence Is.
You'd think the internet was invented specifically for talking about how wonderful Jennifer Lawrence is. Social media has embraced the Oscar winner because she's just like us! (She hugs babies! She uses butt-plugs! She is flawless in every way!) but if we continue to put Ms. Lawrence up on a pedestal, we will inevitably have to watch her public fall from glory the likes of which this country hasn't seen since Pee Wee Herman. Eventually, someone will write an article about how not-so-great she is (lies! She's wonderful!) and it will create an unexpected maelstrom of bad buzz for America's sweetheart. Because you can no longer make a decision for yourself without consulting social media -- you will start to dislike Jennifer Lawrence as well for no reason whatsoever. Listen, I went through this with Britney Spears back in 2007, and I don't have the mental bandwidth to watch another diva spiral out of control. LEAVE JENNIFER ALONE!!! Let her be perfect and beautiful without posting a Buzzfeed article about it every day. She made it through two Hunger Games for Christ's sake, isn't the enough for you people? What the hell more do you want from her?
5. Not Having an Opinion Other Than Love or Sheer Hatred.
Social media has essentially turned us into our grandparents. Our hearts are warmed or we are completely outraged by a newspaper clipping we have found that day. We're bi-polar geriatrics. I don't think I have ever seen someone post an article to their Facebook wall that says something like: "This article was very interesting because of A, B, and C, although, I don't completely agree with X, Y and Z. What do you think?" It's always "Woof! I hate this so much, I want to find the author and kill him" or "OMG, I LOVED THIS! READ! READ! READ!" The thing is, most articles posted online or in magazines are intended to either start a discussion or show you two sides to a certain story -- not completely outrage or fill us with love. Next time you read an article and comment about it on your Facebook wall, remember, it's OK to have an opinion. Anything at all besides complete love or absolute hate works too.
6. Stop Taking Pictures of Your Casual Dates.
If you're not in a long term relationship, please god stop taking pictures of yourself with the people you're casually dating - it confuses the dating marketplace. Navigating the dating world is hard enough without having to stalk your potential new love interest on Facebook every day to see who he or she is canoodling with now. After a while, your friends will know that it is almost inevitable that person you're standing next to today will have a new face and a new name by month's end and no one will take you seriously once you're in an actual relationship. This also doesn't make you popular: it makes you a slut.
7. Stop Mean Tweeting.
If you're old enough to know better, then you probably shouldn't do it. I miss the old days of picking up the phone or meeting for coffee and hashing out a problem instead of hash tagging out it for the world to see. It doesn't make you cool and doesn't get your point across, it actually makes you look like a psychopath with emotional issues who doesn't really care that the person they're saying something awful to, actually has feelings on the other end.
Instead of trying to shed excess weight or drinking less in 2014 (you know you will only last a few weeks, let's face facts here) let's all try to make the Internet a happier place. It's so much easier and more rewarding than a New Year's resolution you know you can't keep.