This shameless womanizer has been recalled for repair by God.
(Photo: Getty Imagaes/Hola Images)
Vatican City -- In a sign that God may be taking an increasingly more personal interest in human affairs, a man has been recalled to Heaven for the first time -- for repairs -- by God, who has revealed herself as female. According to Vatican spokesperson Claude Duteil, God's Human Recall Notice has been received and presented to the man in question. "While we are not at liberty to disclose his name, I can tell you some things about him, which will explain why he was recalled," reveals Duteil.
"The man is a shameless womanizer who devotes the majority of his time and energy to indulging in pleasures of the flesh, of the bottle, and of material possessions." Apparently, not only does the man have absolutely no regrets about his behavior, he even teaches a seminar enlightening other men about his techniques. God, forgiving spirit that She is, decided it was time to give the man a spiritual makeover.
"He will be in Heaven for approximately six weeks," states Duteil, "staying at the newly created Divine Human Makeover Facility, where teams of angel technicians will reprogram his internal priorities, ethics and spirituality circuits -- and then return him to Earth, where, although he will look the same, you will find a remarkably different man." Other parts of the Divine Human Makeover Facility include a Sensitivity Training workshop, a Women Are People, Too seminar, an Alcohol Hypnosis technique, which will actually cause the man to become violently nauseated at the very thought of booze, and a Less Is More intensive, which will cause the man to truly believe that he can be happier with fewer material possessions.
The revelation that God is a female is causing major shockwaves throughout the religious world. One church is placing pink velvet book covers on all its Bibles. The world's finest counterfeit portrait artists are repainting religious masterpiece paintings so that they portray God as a woman. A major recruiting effort is underway to have more women trained as priests, rabbis and spiritual leaders of all denominations. And the Vatican has offered a guarantee that its next Pope will definitely be a woman. "We were planning on having a woman Pope, anyway," reveals Duteil.
The human recall is also affecting behavior throughout the world, with crime rates having dropped 37 percent since God's Human Recall Notice arrived. "I've never seen the city so quiet and crime-free," says New York City police captain Lawrence Tibble. "Citizens are polite, considerate, on their best behavior -- it's really eery." One citizen, Vinnie Testosterini, explains, "Of course we're on our best behavior. Nobody wants to be recalled and have to go through all that reprogramming. Besides, you never know when God, being a woman, could get all emotional on ya and send ya to that other place. No offence, God."