Mascots School to Offer Ph.D.

PEACH SPRINGS, Ariz. -- A mascot is a person or animal that is adopted by a team or other group as a symbolic figure. Sports teams employ individuals to dress up as the creature or animal and jump around the sidelines during the games. Mascots are also widely used in business, at store and restaurants, and in advertising.

In fact, mascot use is so widespread that mascots now have their very own fully accredited school. Mascot University, which currently has a three-year waiting list for its mascot program, the first in the nation, has chosen the Latin motto Appareo Decet Nihil Munditia, which translates "Is It Not Nifty?" reflecting the University's emphasis on wonder and fun. MU's undergraduate offerings include:

• Keeping Your Temper While Working With Children
• Protecting Your Groin While Working With Children
• Emergency Costume Repair After Working With Children
• Recovering From Injuries Inflicted by Children

"But we are most excited about our new, advanced, graduate mascot courses," stated MU President Dirk Fontaine. "Each is taught by a former sports team mascot and acknowledged expert in the field, and students must audition in costume to be admitted." Graduate offerings include:

• Handling Rejection Without Alcohol, Drugs, or Promiscuous Sex
• Developing the Perfect Mascot Personality for You
• Why Are So Many Mascots Deeply Depressed?
• Mastering Mascot Movements Without Pulling Your Groin

Fontaine seemed especially enthusiastic about MU's new Mascot Subbing Program. "We are training our advanced-degree Ph.D. mascots to be able to sell hot dogs, work the security stations, even pinch hit. And you've got to admit -- the sight of an eight foot squirrel filling in for third baseman Alex Rodriguez is going to put butts in the seats."