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Men Suck at Romance

05/16/2010 08:42 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

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Okay, I'll admit it - we men excel at messing up our romantic lives. This is why romantic songs and movies and Hallmark cards are so popular - among women. They bring women a world of Enrique and Antonio and Romeo, instead of the world of women's unshaven, unemployed date asleep on the couch, in his underwear, snoring, drool dangling from his lips, a half-eaten bag of Cheetos spilled out onto the floor he's never vacuumed.

On dates, women like to be taken to fine restaurants, and sophisticated evenings of theater, or perhaps a British romantic film, followed by some insightful conversation, and then directly home, with perhaps some casual, witty flirting at the door, before saying good night.

A man's fantasy date? A triple Wham-Bam Burger at Hooters restaurant, the latest superhero movie, and then having at each other like wild monkeys at the Sin-Sational Motor Lodge, featuring heated, revolving water beds, complimentary day-glo love gels, and overhead mirrors. Or so I've heard.

Men use cologne when they start dating. This gives women the mistaken impression that their man naturally smells like an exotic rain forest or tropical island breeze, and will always smell that way. Is it any wonder, then, that problems arise later, when the man feels he's got the woman and no longer needs the cologne? For now his natural aroma is a mixture of beer, tobacco, three day old underwear, the dog, last night's pork 'n garlic burrito, really funky sweat, and something that died an agonizing death months ago.

Once sex has occurred, women expect their dates to cuddle. Cuddling and talking is bearable for maybe the first minute and a half afterwards. Beyond that, centuries of male genetics kick in, so that even while the woman may be talking about her feelings that you are different from any other men she's ever known, the man's brain is filled only with images of having pizza and beer while watching something sexy on pay-per-view - something with absolutely no cuddling and talking involved. In fact, the end of each scene just cuts to another scene of a different couple having sex and not cuddling or talking afterwards.

Men believe that God wouldn't have given them the ability to make gross noises with their various body parts, if He didn't want them to do so. Okay, let's, just for the sake of argument, say this is true. Nonetheless, it nauseates women. Yes, even if you say "Excuse me" afterwards. Or swear the dog did it. Women never believe that, and the dog ends up resenting you.

Women feel they don't have to inform their men why they're upset; men should just know. The odds are really against this one working, simply because men make so many mistakes all day long, that to have to guess which of them is ticking their woman off, would be not only time-consuming, but sheer luck.

Should the date evolve into a marriage, men expect women to earn a living, take care of the house, raise the kids, and be eager for sex every night. And what do men do in return? Once every three weeks, they're asked to open the lid of a jar. After doing so, they get this look on their faces, as if to say, "What would you do without me, babe?"

Finally, women expect men to say, "I love you." This one is not a mistake. Women need to hear it. And men need to say it a lot more often - even if it means shouting it from the other room, while they are finishing their pizza. Hey, it's the thought.

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