01/05/2011 12:21 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Nude Women Hired to Protect Golden Gate Bridge Against Terrorists

The women practice protection techniques at another bridge.
Photo courtesy of

SAN FRANCISCO, CA - San Francisco's Golden Gate Bridge is widely considered the most beautiful, and certainly the most photographed, bridge in the world. It has appeared in countless novels, TV shows and movies and is known as one of America's most iconic, recognizable structures. So it was not surprising when the U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS) discovered the bridge listed on a terrorist memo of famed structures targeted for bombing.

Working together with the DHS and the CIA, the San Francisco Police Department has devised a plan to keep the bridge safe. "After weeks of brainstorming about how to keep terrorists away from the bridge, we finally came up with what we believe is a no-fail plan. We've hired 25 young, beautiful, women willing to remove all their clothing and station themselves at strategic points across the bridge," explained San Francisco Police Public Information Officer Bruce Onder.

How would that keep the bridge safe from Islamic terrorists? According to Dr. Henry Chilvers, Professor Emeritus of Middle Eastern Studies at UCLA, "Islam commands a woman to cover herself completely, excluding the face and hands, from all men except her husband, so that she does not attract any attention. A woman being naked in public would be an outrage against Allah.

And because the desire to have sexual relations originates with the look that one person gives another, Islam prohibits a person from casting amorous glances towards another. So imagine you're an Islamic terrorist approaching the bridge and you encounter several completely nude women gazing at you with desire. The shock, shame and humiliation is going to make you turn and run the other way pretty quickly. And once word gets out, terrorist organizations will avoid the bridge like the plague."

Operation Protect the Bridge, as it has become known, is scheduled to begin within the next two weeks. Are any problems anticipated? "Well, we imagine we'll get some complaints from the Religious Right and from parents of small children," responded Onder. "But, hey, it's people's lives that are at stake, so they'll just have to suck it up, cover some eyes, and deal with it."

If Operation Protect the Bridge is as big a success as is anticipated, arrangements will immediately be made to have additional naked women station themselves at the Statue of Liberty, the Taj Mahal, the White House, London Bridge, Big Ben, the Leaning Tower of Pisa, the Eiffel Tower, and the Kremlin. "If there was ever a reason for nudity having redeeming social value, saving innocent lives just has to be the one," commented Onder. "If these terrorists want to fight dirty, we'll do what we have to to protect ourselves -- and give them some food for thought at the same time -- or should I say 'nude for thought'!"