It's a sad day at the North Pole and all over the world -- Santa and Mrs. Claus have announced that they will be heading for divorce court! "Frankly, I'm surprised they've lasted this long," confides Santa spokesperson and Chief Elf Eigim Falosas. "Although most people would consider their seven hundred and nineteen years together a successful relationship by any count, it was by no means a storybook romance."
The couple in happier times.
Indeed, the decision to separate did not come as a total shock to the elves, as Santa and Mrs. Claus's irreconcilable differences have lately become increasingly more vocal and angry, fueled by the usual post-holiday Empty Toy-Chest Syndrome. "Plus, it was really hard to concentrate on building toys for the precious children when we kept hearing Mrs. Claus screaming 'You're never home, you fat tub of lard! Christmas is one night! Where do you go the other three hundred and sixty-four!?'", recalls Falosas.
"And Santa would give it right back to her: 'Any place to get away from you, you whining, nagging, frigid shrew!', states Falosas. "Which, as you might guess, did not do much for elf morale."
According to North Pole insiders, Mrs. Claus's complaints also include:
•Santa's complete lack of interest in diet or exercise.
•His spending much more time with elves and reindeer than with her.
•Won't help cook or clean.
•Is so wrapped up in his work that he forgot to get her anything for Valentine's Day.
•Has a voyeuristic interest in who's been naughty or nice, especially among cheerleaders and super-models.
•Keeps leaving his socks and half-eaten food all over the house.
Santa, too, has his own list of grievances about Mrs. Claus, which include:
•She can't just sit and relax - has to always be picking things up or cleaning something.
•Her mother comes to stay for week-long visits and the two of them gang up on him for a massive "nag-athon."
•Insists on making fun of him every time he practices his "Ho-ho-ho's."
•Can't remember the last time she didn't have a headache when he was in the mood.
•Refuses to read the research article he gave her about how PMS is not supposed to last hundreds of years.
•Don't think he's not aware of the way she drools over that hunky elf, Aibas Legewil.
It is generally the innocent ones who suffer most. Consequently, the couple's dogs have taken the split especially hard.
For her legal representation, Mrs. Claus has selected a team of high-powered North Pole divorce attorneys. Santa has chosen to represent himself. "Because he's an idiot," explains Mrs. Claus. To which Santa responds, "Shut your pie-hole, you human tug barge."
In the past few weeks, Santa has been spotted partying with Sandra Bullock, Paris Hilton, Angelina Jolie, and the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue models. And Mrs. Claus is seeking comfort with Haagen-Dazs. "In any case," says a close friend, "it's sad. She just doesn't seem to be herself."
Friends are hopeful the two will eventually reconcile, though many doubt that possibility in light of the fact that Santa has been actively auditioning "replacement Mrs. Clauses."
