08/19/2010 12:33 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Women Who Go Topless Live Longer

Scientists say she'll live a long, long time.

Though it has long been known that genetics and a healthy lifestyle play an important role in human longevity, an exciting, vital new factor in the aging process has just been revealed - women who go topless live longer! "According to our research, women can add ten, twenty, up to thirty years to their life, depending on how frequently and for what duration of time they uncover their breasts," states Dr. Andrew Mammarian, director of NOBRA - the National Organization of Breast Research Associates. "And the more they display them out in public, the longer they live."

Dr. Mammarian's groundbreaking study, "Aging Dynamics of the Semi-Nude Contemporary Female," appears in the current issue of North American Journal of Clothing-Optional Metrics. "The results are frankly astounding," says Eleanor Zeitzer, founder of the International Institute of Aging Studies. And as a result, we've amended our company's dress code to allow female employees to work here topless. Almost all of them have taken advantage of this new freedom, and as an additional positive result, absenteeism of male employees is down to zero."

Seventeen year old high school student Peter Strokemeir looks forward to the survey's results motivating more women to go topless. "I spend an average of two hours a day looking through my binoculars and telescope trying to catch women undressing in their apartment windows. If more of them start walking around with their gajoombas on display, I wouldn't have to spend all that time on research."

Obviously in agreement with the study's findings is 109 year old Jennie McDibble, a lifelong nudist. "I've never covered up my ta-tas," admits McDibble. "That would be like keeping 'em in prison. America's the land of the free - so why shouldn't my fun bags be free, too!?"

As to why the female life span becomes extended as a result of a woman's going topless, Dr. Mammarian has a theory: "The positive attention topless women get from men is psychologically such a lift that it affects various physical systems within the body positively as well - not to mention that going topless often leads to sex, which we all know is life-enhancing in many ways."

The survey also revealed advantages to going topless even beyond the benefits of longevity. According to twenty-four year old Amy Rantelle, "Since I've started going topless in public more frequently, I've gotten tons of job offers, a great new boyfriend, free restaurant meals, invitations to appear in magazines and on TV - for great pay, and I've gotten out of five speeding tickets! Plus, it's just plain fun watching people's reactions when they notice my melons on display!"

Dr. Mammarian's next study will chart the longevity factors of men who go bottomless. "My wife offered to help with that survey."

Fun Fact: There are over 10,000 synonyms for breasts, including frontal female water wings, snuggle pups, dinglebobbers, all day suckers, high-rise weather balloons, and personal flotation devices.