In the wonderful, wide world of entertainment, mankind's greatest achievement, for those who relish pure fun, is the amusement park. Think about it. What other place can you go to that's in business solely for your pleasure? Okay, granted, Heidi Fleiss's house, but I understand that's closed down now. In any case, the rides are no longer operational.
The problem with amusement parks is that they're designed to appeal to children--or at least to the child in every adult. Just for the record, the child in me is named Billy. He's pretty much a dysfunctional ingrate, so when we go to amusement parks, it's not a barrel of laughs for me. But Billy has a grand old time. I'd say more, but I think he's listening in. I'll email you after he falls asleep.
I've always wondered why there weren't amusement parks designed specifically for adults. And by adults, I'm referring, of course, to the two major categories--men and women. Granted, those living in the Hollywood area are familiar with individuals who make it difficult to determine their exact gender. But those individuals would no doubt require a very different amusement park, which is a topic for another evening.
If I were to design an adult amusement park, I'd divide it in half, the first half being exclusively for women. Would you women here tonight like a private, free preview tour? (PAUSE) Good. That's the spirit. You're so adventurous. You know, I've always loved that about you. So, come along now, it's ladies first, as we begin our fabulous tour of Womanland. Cue the Celine Dion music, please.
On your left, ladies, you'll notice Womanland's most popular ride--The Tunnel Of Sensitivity. There, you'll begin your voyage seated next to a handsome audioanimatronic male, who expresses genuine interest in everything you say. He loves to travel and dance. His greatest concern is your needs. He loves to cook and clean. He cries openly and unashamedly, and not just when he's paying the mortgage. He will not be reading a newspaper as you attempt to communicate with him. And, oh, by the way, his middle name is "Commitment."
The line to get into Womanland's You Can Have It All pavillion is the longest in the park, but well worth it. While waiting to get in, enjoy the complimentary copies of "Oprah" magazine and the monitors showing today's episodes of "Ellen" and "The View." For once inside, you will experience, through virtual reality, exactly what it's like to have a rewarding career, a loving husband, two beautiful children, an incredible house, a gorgeous body, and a trust fund. Look for it in the park's Fantasyland section.
By now, you've no doubt worked up an appetite, so let's stop for a bite to eat at Selma's. Since there are no men here to impress by pretending to have the appetite of a bird, you'll find no soups, salads, crepes, quiches or other healthy, teaser food on the menu. No, Selma's is pure indulgence. Damn the cholesterol; full calories ahead. You can really be yourself here. So go ahead, pretend you're home alone, strap on the old feedbag, and pig out with the Five-Cheese Lasagna and Keg O'Fried Chicken, followed by a long, leisurely soak in the Hagen-Dazs Baths. Feel like belching when you're through? It's not only allowed; it's required, so let 'er rip.
But don't relax now, ladies, because the most fun is still to come. For, you see, Womanland is 95% clothing shops! Wholesale! In each shop, incredible bargains abound in your size, none of the saleswomen are as attractive as you, and you look absolutely ravishing in everything.
You'll wrap up your day with the most incredible sex of your life, in the It's A Large World After All mountain retreat. In your own private cabin, you'll be greeted by your choice of the George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Hugh Grant, Denzel Washington, or Tom Cruise Love-Clones. They'll fulfill your needs completely, never get tired, and, not expecting a thing in return, cuddle with you afterwards for hours, while sharing their hopes, dreams and fears, and complimenting your mind.
Okay, the women seem to be fairly well taken care of for now, so let's check out the male portion of the amusement park, Manland.
We'll first explore the most popular section for men, because that gets crowded fast. Yes, that's right it's the Zone of Irresponsibility. Follow me into this huge house, affectionately dubbed Bachelor Heaven.
Beer bottles, dirty socks, and half-eaten boxes of pizza litter the floors. Life-sized posters of the "Sports Illustrated" swimsuit models adorn the walls. There are four and only four non-stop activities here: watching sports, getting snacks, bragging, and trying to impress women young enough to be your daughter. On weekdays, expect a two-hour wait to get in. But while waiting, enjoy chatting with the host...
For men who have just become engaged, there is the popular Hall Of Second Thoughts where one can accumulate cash and prizes by confessing one's doubts about one's engagement, the woman in question, promises already made to have children, and the entire quaint, annoying concept of fidelity. Bonus points are awarded for moaning about attractive women you've dated in the past, who you could still "get," if not for this pesky engagement. Those who end up deciding to call off their engagement, walk away with the grand prize -- a brand new Toyota Camry (with repaired braking system).
In the Wedded Bliss Pavillion, married men relax in the world's most comfortable Barcalounger recliner. While they sleep, read "Playboy," or watch "My Name is Earl," their wives take care of their children and the entire running of the house. If any wife or child comes within a ten yard radius of the Barcalounger, the offending family member will receive a mild, yet discouraging 25 volt shock.
Not to be missed is the Real Man Hall Of Fame, which has various dioramas celebrating: Men Who Can Drink The Most And Still Remember What City They're In; Men Who Can Lie, Cheat, And Steal To Get To The Top Of Their Profession Without Feeling A Smidgeon Of Guilt; Men Who Can Juggle Having Five Intimate Girlfriends With No Sweat And Without Any Of Them Becoming Suspicious; and Men Who Have Never Cried or Shared Anything Emotional And Don't Intend To Start Now.
For males over thirty, there's the You Think You've Had Medical Problems? display, in which there are graphic, three-dimensional recreations of every possible health-related problem. There are no prizes here, other than the satisfaction of sharing every mind-numbing detail of each one of your past and current medical problems, with anyone within earshot.
I fully expect these amusement parks to become popular, so I've already begun planning even more special-interest theme parks--for policemen, fashion models, forest rangers, rabbis; maybe even theme parks for people who enjoy specific foods...
Naturally, the future is uncertain, but I think you'll agree that two things are obvious: One - that amusement parks can offer a multitude of insights into the nature of both man and woman. And two, that I've got way too much free time on my hands.