How to Calm and Re-focus Frightened People

With fearful, shut down people
it's less important what you tell them
than what you enable them to tell you.

You: And you're feeling (use your hand in an inviting gesture) frightened? Or is it scared? Or frustrated? Or exactly what?

Employee or Client: Scared.

You: How scared?

Employee or Client: Scared stiff.

You: I see...and it makes you want to do ________?

Employee or Client: Nothing.

You: And if you do nothing, what will happen is ______________?

Employee or Client: Things will get worse.

You: And by things getting worse you mean _________________?

etc, etc, etc.

This is the very beginning of an extended conversation that will start to calm your upset employee or client and begin to enable them to re-focus, listen to reason and get back to being productive.

The key is that when they first begin to talk to you and start by blaming, complaining, making excuses or venting, that you not take them on detail by detail. Instead redirect the conversation (as demonstrated above) to what they're feeling. Research from Matthew Lieberman at UCLA indicates that when people accurately attach a word to what they are feeling underneath their reactions, it lowers amygdala activation significantly which in term calms them and lessens their tendency to react in a "fight or flight" manner.

Try it yourself:

Me: So if you're reading this blog it's because you're feeling overwhelmed? Or is it frustrated? Or is it kind of frozen? Or exactly what?

You: (take a deep breath, exhale and answer) I feel ___________ .

Now how do you feel? Slightly calmer or more agitated?