No doubt about it; with regard to relationships, the holiday season can be a decidedly mixed blessing. On the one hand, we get to see friends and family that we missed over the past year and rekindle those bonds. On the other hand, the holiday season can also rekindle old animosities, brother/sister spats and a litany of other slights -- perceived or real -- that never got resolved in the first place. You don't really believe those sibling rivalries actually died when you left the sandbox or moved out, do you?
As a geriatrician, I get to see another stressful family byproduct of the holiday season (and the couple of months that follow as parents and adult children invariably assemble in my office): the realization that mom or dad may be "slowing down" in ways one or more siblings might not have recognized during the preceding year. This is especially true when folks live far apart from one another, and the holiday season brings them together in a kind of "freeze frame," that can be jarring if this is the first physical interaction you've had with a parent in the past year. Often those children who live close by (or with) an aging parent don't recognize concerning decline in their day to day interactions. In quiet whispers, the distant sibling contingent convenes in the holiday kitchen and express concern over "how old mom suddenly looks," or "how dad seems to have lost his memory or moves so slowly." Sometimes ire is directed at the live-in or nearby sibling for not communicating what's been happening over the past year, further stoking an already stressful family get together.
Typically, I see a slew of new patients in my office in January, whose families have brought them kicking and screaming for an evaluation based on the holiday "drive by." Since "tis is the season" for this phenomenon, I thought I'd offer a few thoughts on how to proceed not only medically with mom or dad, but also on how to preserve domestic tranquility if you find yourself involved in one of these holiday aging excursions:
- Remember that Mom or Dad is the (potential) patient, and that he or she has a right to privacy, dignity and autonomy. I'm sure you're all well meaning, but slinking around his or her back to arrange some kind of medical or social intervention will most certainly backfire, no matter how well intended. Calmly and lovingly explain your concerns to your parent, and ask them if they perceive any problem.
One last point here to my older readers. I hope I haven't offended you by arming your well meaning adult children with ammunition intended to assuage their anxiety while assisting you. I'm well aware that you're the patient, and you have a right to privacy and the prerogative to tell your meddling adult kid to take a hike. But let me add another perspective: I've cared for thousands of older people over my career that had very significant medical and social needs, many adult children, but none that would help them or even return my phone calls. So if your adult child is meddling in your life, I'd like to make the case that you must have done something right in raising them. Pat yourself on the back for some excellent parenting!
Happy Holidays to an Aging America.