9 Nicely Insane Ideas for Fringe GOP Extremists When the "Birthers" Thing Dies Off

I just have one question at this particular moment in time:

Who knew? Who knew, in the wake of all those madcap Christian fundamentalists who ruled like drunken virgins over the Dark Days of Bush, who happily burned books and shunned science and hated on gays and woman and trees, after all of that, who know the right still had such a cavalcade of intellectual toddlers waiting in the wings to come out and play in the fields of Infantile Fantasyland, and further guarantee the party's merciful irrelevance for years to come?

It is curious to ponder. Who knew "the birthers," this horde of fringe Republican funbots who are right now attempting to prove that President Obama was not actually born in Honolulu to mixed-race parentage back in August of '61, but instead was really spawned in some sort of bizarre test-tube experiment in a secret underground bunker in the '20s (or something) -- who knew they were so ready to spring into action? I sure as hell didn't. But Lord, I certainly am grateful. Such entertainment!

Here, then, are nine more lovely suggestions I just whipped up right here at home for the nutball GOP fringe to go after next, once the delightful "birther" thing runs its course and this particular media worm exits the national body with a sigh and a grunt and a bucketful of antibiotics.

Mix and match at your leisure:

1. "The Pluggers." A radical group spearheaded by Fox News' in-house comic/psychopath Glenn Beck, absolutely convinced Joe Biden's forest of hair plugs is actually a cluster of tiny antennae, 10,000 little gray transmitters stuck there by a liberal alien species intent on sharing nuke secrets, world domination plans and three-cheese lasagna recipes with Iran.
2. "The Nancyboys." Subset of above, slightly frothier, definitely more rashy, certain that Nancy Pelosi is the radio operator of said antennae/hair.
3. "The Buggers." These kindly folk are positive that Obama's push to reform health care and take back billions from bloated HMOs is actually a secret plot to infect the entire populace with H1N1 so liberals can then "immunize" them against it, which will serve to make you suddenly feel a mad desire to install solar panels on your roof and start composting your pizza boxes and buy a Prius and actually sort of like it.
4. "The Railies." A cluster of disgruntled Hummer owners and former GM execs convinced that the rather astonishing new initiative to connect most major cities in America via an ultra-efficient, lightning-fast, Euro-style rail network by 2030 is really a nefarious plot to transport enormous tanks of grass-fed, rainbow-colored stem cells to Midwestern states and inject them into tubby children to make them, if not completely gay, then really, really into yoga, organic kombucha and Moby.
5. "The Brujas." They believe Supreme Court justice-to-be Sonia Sotomayor is part of a secret plot to empower formerly poor, small-framed Latinas to kick Antonin Scalia in the groin, run away giggling and then vote against every legal precedent he has ever supported for the next 30 years straight, or until his secret gay love-child with Lynne Cheney is revealed (Adam Lambert!), whichever comes first.

Wait, there are four more! Click here to read the rest.

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Comments

[smeag]

Great article Mark. Try this one "Obamacare is really reparations for slavery" That should keep the funbots going for a while.

[msbeal]

For eight long years all we heard from Bush was how great democracy was. Now all of a sudden democracy doesn't look so hot to them anymore.

These nationalistic lunatics should never be underestimated. For national security reasons we should bring the full weight of the government to bear on this problem. I hope they are taking their pictures, starting dossiers and bugging their phones. Start with Hannity. LOL

[ewoman]

LOL! Adam Lambert! LOL!

[audadvnc]

Funny, I thought that #3, "The Buggers", was ably carried out by the South Carolinians elsewhere in HP...

[esfranklin]

As a formerly poor, medium-framed Latina, I'd really like to get in on this "Brujas" plan.

[BillLaimbeer]

How about: "The Paradoxically Racist"?

Fringe members of the GOP decry the oppression faced by white men, while simultaneously denouncing Mexicans as the root of all the nation's problems.

Oh, that's already real?

[uperko]

The current GOP really is like the National Enquirer on steroids.

[LMPE]

I'm sure that they already exist.

[johnnynyc]

Nah, it's all about race.

It just too them 6 months to get there.

[ddriscoll225]

"Fringe GOP Extremists"? What makes you think these people are at the fringe? I think they're mainstream Repubs-- that's what they're all about these days.

[RevBookburn]

This is hilarious, except for one small problem. It is possible that a variation of these could really be presented by the teabaggers and Fox "News." That's the risk of satire. These extremists are getting nuttier all the time. The new administration should be able to figure out that they shouldn't cause the loss of the spine. Rev. Bookburn - Radio Volta

[toggan]

Entertaining piece.

[tess01]

One nit. The "Birthers" aren't trying to "prove" anything. They've made an unsupported claim never before raised to my knowledge in connection with any other President or candidate, and they are demanding that their unsubstantiated claim be disproved.

[Matt Barnette]

In that case I would also like for President Obama to disprove that he is a Centaur. That's right, I am making the unsupported claim that he is a half-man, half-equine mythical beast of Greek descent who should be treated as a liminal being, caught between the two natures, embodied in contrasted myths, both as the embodiment of untamed nature, as in the Centaurian battle with the Lapiths, or conversely as teachers, like Chiron.

Or if he's not, then do, Mr. President, prove that fact to us.

Or, you know, you could just get on with your Presidency and tackle some real issues.

[kareemachan]

OMG!! That's why they have that human-animal hybrid law going on.....

Oh snark.

[truthartbeauty]

these loons want something so bad they just make it up and believe it.....sou­nd familiar? what do you think religion is? something someone wants so bad, it gets made up and people believe it. so what do religious idiots and birthers have in common?...­.everythin­g! stupid to the core.

[eyelashviper]

By printing this list, you are making it too easy for the half-wit nut jobs currently foaming at the mouth at the fringes of reality. They have already begun #6, having missed the first 5 due to lack of numerical understanding.