08/28/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

9 Nicely Insane Ideas for Fringe GOP Extremists When the "Birthers" Thing Dies Off

I just have one question at this particular moment in time:

Who knew? Who knew, in the wake of all those madcap Christian fundamentalists who ruled like drunken virgins over the Dark Days of Bush, who happily burned books and shunned science and hated on gays and woman and trees, after all of that, who know the right still had such a cavalcade of intellectual toddlers waiting in the wings to come out and play in the fields of Infantile Fantasyland, and further guarantee the party's merciful irrelevance for years to come?

It is curious to ponder. Who knew "the birthers," this horde of fringe Republican funbots who are right now attempting to prove that President Obama was not actually born in Honolulu to mixed-race parentage back in August of '61, but instead was really spawned in some sort of bizarre test-tube experiment in a secret underground bunker in the '20s (or something) -- who knew they were so ready to spring into action? I sure as hell didn't. But Lord, I certainly am grateful. Such entertainment!

Here, then, are nine more lovely suggestions I just whipped up right here at home for the nutball GOP fringe to go after next, once the delightful "birther" thing runs its course and this particular media worm exits the national body with a sigh and a grunt and a bucketful of antibiotics.

Mix and match at your leisure:

  1. "The Pluggers." A radical group spearheaded by Fox News' in-house comic/psychopath Glenn Beck, absolutely convinced Joe Biden's forest of hair plugs is actually a cluster of tiny antennae, 10,000 little gray transmitters stuck there by a liberal alien species intent on sharing nuke secrets, world domination plans and three-cheese lasagna recipes with Iran.

  • "The Nancyboys." Subset of above, slightly frothier, definitely more rashy, certain that Nancy Pelosi is the radio operator of said antennae/hair.
  • "The Buggers." These kindly folk are positive that Obama's push to reform health care and take back billions from bloated HMOs is actually a secret plot to infect the entire populace with H1N1 so liberals can then "immunize" them against it, which will serve to make you suddenly feel a mad desire to install solar panels on your roof and start composting your pizza boxes and buy a Prius and actually sort of like it.
  • "The Railies." A cluster of disgruntled Hummer owners and former GM execs convinced that the rather astonishing new initiative to connect most major cities in America via an ultra-efficient, lightning-fast, Euro-style rail network by 2030 is really a nefarious plot to transport enormous tanks of grass-fed, rainbow-colored stem cells to Midwestern states and inject them into tubby children to make them, if not completely gay, then really, really into yoga, organic kombucha and Moby.
  • "The Brujas." They believe Supreme Court justice-to-be Sonia Sotomayor is part of a secret plot to empower formerly poor, small-framed Latinas to kick Antonin Scalia in the groin, run away giggling and then vote against every legal precedent he has ever supported for the next 30 years straight, or until his secret gay love-child with Lynne Cheney is revealed (Adam Lambert!), whichever comes first.
  • Wait, there are four more! Click here to read the rest.

    Mark Morford's website and Facebook page await your kind attention. Or...