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How to Survive a San Francisco Cold Snap

Posted: 01/18/12 12:05 PM ET

Freezing early morning temperatures across the Bay Area will give way to the first respectable storm in nearly two months later this week, according to the National Weather Service. -- Associated Press

Firstly, bundle up! Have you not seen the emails, the flyers and the endless, endless spam? From Gilt to ideali, Barney's to All Saints, everyone's having huge sales on tons of winter outerwear they couldn't offload during Christmas because the economy still sucks, the stuff was way overpriced in the first place and most of it is also very, very ugly and made of something like burlap and straw and the tears of baby pandas.

Look! 75 percent off a Marc Jacobs polka dot cardigan in fuchsia and teal with white tassels and a fake fur collar! Buy three, give one to Newt Gingrich's miserable third wife and burn the other two in the fireplace for warmth. Probably cheaper than...

Organic fireplace logs! Did you know fireplace logs come in boxes of six and cost roughly five thousand dollars per case at Whole Foods? Did you know they burn for three full hours each in pretty rainbow colors, and the most eco-friendly ones are made from coffee grounds and recycled Priuses and the tears of baby pandas? True.

And so easy! You can light them with a single match, the same one you use to light the candles under your altar to Four Barrel Coffee, Greenpeace and hipster fixie bikes! Bonus: fireplace logs will never shoot dangerous sparks onto the $10,000 Room & Board rug or endanger the marijuana plants growing in the baby's room. Sexy! Romantic! Illegal on Spare the Air days! Which is why you also need...

Space heaters. Look, baseboard heaters are totally 1977. Gas heaters are inefficient energy hogs monitored by evil Smart Meters which are overseen by evil PG&E who, as we all know, doesn't care even when entire neighborhoods blow up and destroy your hydroponic basement. Oil-burning furnaces are mostly reserved for people on the East Coast, which is a good thing because they destroy rain forests, kill baby pandas and give oil-loving Republicans twitchy orgasms, and no one wants that.

Good news! We have all come to learn that sweet, sweet electricity is generated solely from love, sunshine and President Obama's megawatt smile, and therefore doesn't cause any environmental problems whatsoever! Plug in five space heaters next to the Nissan Leaf, and feel the liberal joy!

Don't skimp! Be sure to get one of those $400 Dyson Hot things that looks like a birth control ring and won't burn your kids' fingers when they touch it, which means they will never learn a valuable lesson and will someday lose all their fingers and possibly a few limbs in a terrible campfire accident involving s'mores and ecstasy and obnoxious frat boys named Greg who never, ever use birth control. Space heaters!

Here's a fun fact: Every wonderful female I have ever known in San Francisco has complained about the weather like it was a pissy Old Testament God and they were tormented, forlorn Job. Every. Single. One.

It's true. The mercury drops 15 degrees and suddenly their toes turn to ice, they can't feel their faces and their ears fall completely off, and with blue, chattering lips buried beneath nine layers of fleece, they will say this is the absolute coldest they have ever felt in their entire lives, despite the fact it's still 52 degrees out and the sun is blazing and they're standing in line outside Bi-Rite to buy baby panda-flavored ice cream for something like $17 a lick. I love them all.

Then again, to be fair, who the hell wants to move to San Diego or Florida or south Texas? It's beautiful here! Amazing! Which is why, male or female, if you're going to live in San Francisco, you need lots and lots of...

Alcohol. What, you think God invented rum and whisky and anejo tequila for the hell of it? For binge-drinking old people and irresponsible frat boys named Greg? I don't think so.

Do what I do: Buy yourself a cool little half-quart butter warmer from All Clad. Pour into it three generous mugs of rum, or sake, or my patented Devil's Chai (2 parts chai concentrate, 2 parts almond milk, 1.5 parts Maker's Mark). Warm for exactly 47 seconds over high flame. Remove from heat. Refill two mugs for sipping. Pour the remainder over your head. Now go take a hot bath. Excellent preparation for lots and lots of...

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Mark Morford is the author of The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism, a mega-collection of his finest columns for the San Francisco Chronicle and SFGate. He recently wondered who in your life you find perfectly toxic, cheered that the gay agenda will see you now, and is fairly certain Jesus took magic mushrooms. Join him on Facebook, or email him. Not to mention...

 
 
 

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