Mel Gibson's Top 10 Tips For Sexist Monsters

07/20/2010 03:28 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011
  • Mark Morford Columnist, SFGate/San Francisco Chronicle; Author, 'The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism', ERYT yoga instructor

A second audiotape has emerged in which Mel Gibson allegedly heaps disgusting verbal abuse and threats on the ex-girlfriend who is the mother of his baby daughter. --CNN

Many have asked, how does Mel do it? What does it take to become such a gargantuan, sexist, possibly racist, potentially violent monster, or at least give a very convincing appearance of same? Can I do it, too?

Herein, some tips for those looking to hone their own personal ranty hatemongering sexist jerkface skillset:

1. First, last and always: Make lots and lots of money. I mean, truckloads. Mountains. Even more than you are imagining right now. No, no, I mean even more than that. Look, take that amount, multiply it by 100, then smack yourself in the skull with a petrified copy of Lethal Weapon 4 until swarms of that amount are swirling around your head like bees. We're talking giant, obscene piles of it, strewn about Mel's personal Holy Family Catholic cult compound like piles of James Caviezel's trashed career.

In the parlance of the rich and repellent, Mel's millions -- a large portion of which he made on the sick success of Passion of the Christ -- is called "f-- you" money. It completely inures you from the slings and arrows of outrageous bloggers, creditors, film investors and divorce attorneys. It's the kind of money that allows you to do whateverthehell you want, because no one can touch you. Even if the lawyers take half, you'll still have plenty left over to buy lots of Russian hookers, vodka and the femur bone of Michael Jackson.

Note: Does having a ton of money automatically make you a raging racist/sexist jerk? Of course not. Does it help? Absolutely.

2. A second significant benefit of the money involved in #1 is how you can, you know, own people. I mean literally own them. See, when you control every waking moment of someone else's life -- the house, the car, the food, the kids -- when they can't really do a single thing without your permission or approval, well, you get to treat them almost any way you like. Because you own them.

And if they happen to be cheap Russian whores who barely deserve to live, well, you also get the right to come over there and "put them in the rose garden." See how that works?

3. Do not ever settle for merely a single smear against your character. Anti-Semite, sexist, drunk? Big deal. Any of those on its own is easily defensible, even forgivable by your fan base, by way of some sort of excuse: terrible childhood, alcoholism, bad hair day, she deserved it, that sort of thing.

True sexist prickmonsters know that to attain true monsterhood, you gotta combine various evils. Stack them high and proud. This is the only real path to lasting disrepute. Try this: Sexist racist anti-Semitic drunk wife-beating verbal abuser sadomasochistic misogynist extremist religious bonk job with a torture fetish. See? Much better. All that's missing is raging homophobe. Wait, it was there before. Hmm.

4. Remember all the countless thousands of fundamentalist Christians and confused old people who numbly trucked in by the busload to watch Passion of the Bloodbath over and over again, often hauling their bewildered, horrified children along with them to witness what is easily one of the most grisly, disgusting, masochistic slasher-porn flicks masquerading as a "true" religious tale in the history of film?

They're the ones who basically made #1 possible. Which in turn, enabled #2. So on the path to monsterhood, be sure to toss a big, juicy bone to the fundamentalists, for believing so blindly in your nightmare vision of what amounts to about two lines in the Bible. Remember: Fundamentalism is always an excellent foundation for monstrous madness...

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Mark Morford is the author of The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism, a mega-collection of his finest columns for the SF Chronicle and SFGate. Get it at or Amazon. He recently wrote about the dark, magnificent horror of the BP spill, the KFC Double Down, and what it's like being part of the evil liberal conspiracy. His website is Join him on Facebook;, or email him. Not to mention...