New Hampshire Goes to Hell

06/06/2009 09:08 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Surely the news is forthcoming. Surely, this time, the liberal media cannot, will not shirk its responsibility and ignore the shocking facts by pretending nothing's happening and all is fine and good with their scary hippie liberal pervert Obama world. Not with all these charred bodies and screaming kittens about to pour down on our sweet Christian heads.

I await the headlines. I await the startling photos and the jittery video clips documenting the various locust swarms, the floods and the hurricanes and exploding puppies, the pretty flowers spontaneously combusting.

I await the horrible news of the sudden sprouting of multiple demon heads from once-adorable human babies who suddenly start frothing at the mouth and speaking in what everyone thought was delightful gibberish, but which, when slowed down and played backwards through a tub of raspberry vodka, turned out to be Latin for "Satan is my homeboy."

That will be some popular YouTube video, I tell you what.

Did you not hear? Did you not see? For indeed, another smallish east coast state has succumbed to the Dark Lord, hath given its soul over to vile temptation, to sodomy and fine lubricants and superlative gin cocktails made by people who wish merely to fall in love and have lots of sex and feel true passion and then get married and, oh yes, they just so happen to be of the same gender. What a world.

Surely Armageddon is at hand? Surely a storm is coming, and it will shortly rain down rainbow flags and incest and multiple flyers announcing a fabulous sale on Marc Jacobs eyewear, now that New Hampshire has joined Vermont and Massachusetts and the rest by legalizing gay marriage? Surely.

Hmm. Still nothing. Still no signs. No fire, locusts, kittens. I mean, wtf, Lord?

How long must we wait, oh Lord, for you to return in a divine rage of vengeful awesomeness? How long until you cleave the sky with thy holy katana and wipe the Earth free of these gay and liberal heathens with thy divine ShamWow?

After all, it hath been multiple years. Canada. Brazil. Iowa. Gay marriage is slowly taking over the planet. It's everywhere, and nary a peep from Thou up there in the heavens, much less a big, fun fireshow of doom and wrath and angel spit.

Really, what do we have to do to get your attention and help us take care of this, Lord? Legalize pot and practice Wicca and get a genital piercing? Do you not see how soon your beautiful Christian world will soon be turned upside down, how our innocent children will be taught that Muslims and pagans and homosexuals and scary women with tattooed nipples are totally acceptable, whereas fine humanitarians like Dick Cheney and the staff of Fox News are deemed the true monsters?

What are you letting us become, Lord? Do you really want a world where genders and nationalities and sexualities and religious beliefs dissolve and intermix and redefine and explode, as the techno-Twitter nutball free-thinkers gleefully push the human experiment forward and backwards in a big, fucked-up, noisy mess of why-the-hell-not?

Whoops. Excuse my cursing, Lord. I do get a little carried away. But what sort of world will that be? What hath thou created? And where are my goddamn pictures?

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