New Hampshire Goes to Hell
Surely the news is forthcoming. Surely, this time, the liberal media cannot, will not shirk its responsibility and ignore the shocking facts by pretending nothing's happening and all is fine and good with their scary hippie liberal pervert Obama world. Not with all these charred bodies and screaming kittens about to pour down on our sweet Christian heads.
I await the headlines. I await the startling photos and the jittery video clips documenting the various locust swarms, the floods and the hurricanes and exploding puppies, the pretty flowers spontaneously combusting.
I await the horrible news of the sudden sprouting of multiple demon heads from once-adorable human babies who suddenly start frothing at the mouth and speaking in what everyone thought was delightful gibberish, but which, when slowed down and played backwards through a tub of raspberry vodka, turned out to be Latin for "Satan is my homeboy."
That will be some popular YouTube video, I tell you what.
Did you not hear? Did you not see? For indeed, another smallish east coast state has succumbed to the Dark Lord, hath given its soul over to vile temptation, to sodomy and fine lubricants and superlative gin cocktails made by people who wish merely to fall in love and have lots of sex and feel true passion and then get married and, oh yes, they just so happen to be of the same gender. What a world.
Surely Armageddon is at hand? Surely a storm is coming, and it will shortly rain down rainbow flags and incest and multiple flyers announcing a fabulous sale on Marc Jacobs eyewear, now that New Hampshire has joined Vermont and Massachusetts and the rest by legalizing gay marriage? Surely.
Hmm. Still nothing. Still no signs. No fire, locusts, kittens. I mean, wtf, Lord?
How long must we wait, oh Lord, for you to return in a divine rage of vengeful awesomeness? How long until you cleave the sky with thy holy katana and wipe the Earth free of these gay and liberal heathens with thy divine ShamWow?
After all, it hath been multiple years. Canada. Brazil. Iowa. Gay marriage is slowly taking over the planet. It's everywhere, and nary a peep from Thou up there in the heavens, much less a big, fun fireshow of doom and wrath and angel spit.
Really, what do we have to do to get your attention and help us take care of this, Lord? Legalize pot and practice Wicca and get a genital piercing? Do you not see how soon your beautiful Christian world will soon be turned upside down, how our innocent children will be taught that Muslims and pagans and homosexuals and scary women with tattooed nipples are totally acceptable, whereas fine humanitarians like Dick Cheney and the staff of Fox News are deemed the true monsters?
What are you letting us become, Lord? Do you really want a world where genders and nationalities and sexualities and religious beliefs dissolve and intermix and redefine and explode, as the techno-Twitter nutball free-thinkers gleefully push the human experiment forward and backwards in a big, fucked-up, noisy mess of why-the-hell-not?
Whoops. Excuse my cursing, Lord. I do get a little carried away. But what sort of world will that be? What hath thou created? And where are my goddamn pictures?
Mark Morford's SFGate columns are here. Get on his personal newsletter right over here. Email him directly? Absolutely. Twitter and Facebook, too because, well, why not?
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You remind me how lucky I am to live in southeastern Louisiana, where the christianists are in charge and we therefore never fear suffering the mighty floods, winds and death of god's wrath. (Or unless, um, maybe not.)
tattooed nipples?
That is scary
Gee! Have you read anything but the gay variety page lately Morfod? If you had maybe you would have seen, Hell is here! Flush the toilet!
You, Mr. Morford, hath rolled me on the floor.
Never thought NH would be hipper that CA.
Okay, boys, it's time to get fit. No more of this tacky flabbiness. The beer belly thing is just so outré .
So get into that pink tank top and the bicycle shorts and meet me in the step-class room. Are we ready to start looking fabulous??
One-two-three-four, one-two-three-four, one-two-three-four, SWITCH!
One-two-three-four, one-two-three-four, one-two-three-four, SWITCH!
~WolfLady~
We are having a bumper crop of black flies and mosquitoes this year, Mr. Morford - and I blame gay marriage.
The good Talibaners at the Cornerstone Policy Institute in NH are planning to take back the gummint, and strike this evil law down.
I share your sentiments but please don't give "Obama world" any credit. That's ridiculous. Gays and lesbians were working hard toward marriage equality long before Obama came along and Obama himself seems to have lost the enthusiasm he once had for gay legal equality.
Yeah we have been working hard, but I think we have to be patient. It seems he wants to push health care while he can, and I get that. Most gays should appreciate that. I have a feeling gays are next. He's supposed to have some kind of announcement to coincide with the gay pride parades at the end of the month.
I hope so. If he lets this month - the 40th anniversary of the Stonewall Rebellion - pass by, saying nothing, then gays and lesbians definitely have reason for concern.
Obama's enthusiasm was for getting elected and he has largely been a big eff ewe to those in the the progressive community as he appoints more Rethugnicans, DLC Rethugnican-Lites and Haaaaaaavaad Club types to our government.
You can be sure he will not have lost his enthusiasm for gay money.
He keeps the issue alive, he gets to scare us with the "what happens if the Republicans win?" boogie man.
Just so you know--that's a tire track across your LGBT back.
And here we go again with the "bash Obama because he hasn't gotten to MY AGENDA in his first 5 months in office" parade. JohnJames. We all had this same big long conversation the other day and yet, here you are again, saying the same ole' stuff. Did you hear him answer Brian Williams question on the 2 hour (3 hour? - I don't remember) piece on a day in the life? He wants civil unions and legal protections for gays. Period. He wants it. He's going to get it. Just NOT TODAY! He's made a proclamation. A freakin' Presidential proclamation to the GLBT community. Would George Bush have every made a proclamation doing anything but damning you to hell? NO! Patience is the key. Think strategically not emotionally.
Absolutely. And, with due respect to the gay marriage community - and I support you 100% - but the economy, middle east peace, Guantanamo Bay, ending Torture, and the energy / environmental crisis are rightly ahead of gay marriage when it comes to priorities. We'll all get there, for sure, but it can't all happen simultaneously.
It's all getting a bit serious now as all these states are a bit too close to New York were I reside for my liking and as I'm pretty sure that gayness is catching I feel I could be struck down at any time.
Apart from having to divorce the wife I'm just not attractive enough or fit enough to be gay and will be left behind as some sad relic of a bygone time unloved and alone.
Damn you people not the same as me, where do you get off imposing your values and lifestyle on.... I'll continue this from my Southern bunker when I reach there.
I love it, LOL!
the straights can't hear your jokes, they're playing YMCA too loud to hear, and are doing that arm-spelling thing.
No need to worry about being struck down. You have to remember, "God" evidently didn't pass his geography class. Remember when Massachusetts made marriage legal for same-sex couples, who did he take it out on? New Orleans. Who did he take it out on when the CA Supreme Court struck down Prop 22 last year? Iowa. Who did he take it out on when the Iowa Supreme Court struck down their ban? Texas. So, it seem that if New York approves it, the state that God takes it out on will probably be Arizona.
So does this mean that my parents will now be forced to get a divorce and marry people of their same gender? And all this 45+ years of marriage I thought was somewhat solid... now it will all come crashing down! Da*n you sodomites!! You are breaking up my parents marriage!!
LOL!
Great article Mr. Morford!!
New Hampshire residents live through Black Flies every summer. Once you've lived through a month of Black Flies, locusts would be a welcome relief.
Damn New Hampshire, you ruined my life. I’m 61 years old and never been married, but always kept open the possibility that maybe someday I might. Now that the gays can do it, I see the meaninglessness of marriage.
I’ve also always wanted to learn to play piano, and realize now I better do so soon before it’s announced that piano playing too is a gay thing, thereby shattering another one of my life goals. (I’ll start looking around for piano lessons as soon as I finish reading that Tolstoy book I started last summer.)
I'm gay and I've read Tolstoy so you can forget about that book. I already ruined it for you. :)
LOL
Ever heard of that Elton John fellow?
(pssst, don't tell him about liberace)
I grew up in a quiet suburban neighborhood in Massachusetts. Two gay guys lived next door. I have been waiting for the horrible things to happen ever since. But the houses are still there, and new families have moved in. So I think the effects must be very subtle. Lately, I have developed a preference for patterned socks. When should I tell my girlfriend?
more worrying will be recipe exchanges, requesting opinions on paint colors, and introducing them to your own gay siblings and in-laws. this is a warning!
Hi Mark:
You are the best. I anxiously read your cloumn on the internet every week. I also love reading the comments from all the haters and fire-breathers - whom you seem to ignite with a special fury. Keep on keeping on with the wit and wonderful prose. I hope you keep writing on the Huffington post!!
An ex-Mormon gay guy in Key West.
I believe you are safe in Key West. The young guys in white shirts riding bicycles can only make it to Key Largo before they have to turn back to make it home by supper.
I like to flirt with them. Boy do they get nervous.
I had a couple of them keep harassing me at home (San Diego) a few years back. I saw them coming up the walkway to my door, so I stripped naked real quick and invited them in. I swear I never saw two people hightail it as fast as they did.
My marraige and family are ruined, RUINED. And all of New England shall perish under a hail of fire and brimstone, any minute now. Just wait. Soon. Jesus is just waiting for the perfect moment. You'll see. It'll happen.
LOL.
Its New England. We are used to bad weather.
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