Obama should take wife to Liquor Barn, watch pay-per-view, fall asleep in drunken stupor "just like the rest of us," furious GOP says

The Republican Party was quick to criticize President Obama's recent trip to New York City to take wife Michelle out to dinner and a Broadway performance for a long-promised "date night."

"I think it's rather disgusting, his blatant disregard for the American people and their fiscal problems," former political roadkill-turned-born-again voice of the ultra-marginalized Republican fringe Newt Gingrich did not tell the Associated Press, between bites of a giant boar's head being slowly roasted on a huge spit on his front lawn, as three terrified Haitian servant boys polished his nine Lincoln Town cars with the pelt of a small woodland creature Gingrich had recently suffocated between his thighs.

"General Motors is about to go bankrupt due to the lack of foresight of countless overpaid executives who apparently like to design cars using bricks and a old glue gun, and the U.S. economy is in a tailspin thanks in large part to some of the most disastrous, corrupt and downright criminal policies and practices of a previous administration I helped spawn," Gingrich didn't add, sighingly. "And now Obama wants to take his wife to low-key dinner in New York? What's next, free health care for children?"

Gingrich was not alone in his outrage.

"How much is this costing us, the long-suffering taxpayers, to fund this frightening, dark-skinned president's lovely and healthy display of affection for his smart and powerful wife who obviously must be stopped because she is clearly too smart and powerful and tall?" radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh did not say, from the giant, prostate-shaped swimming pool in the back of his heavily gated $25 million West Palm Beach mansion, as enormous misters sprayed lazy clouds of liquefied Zoloft over his 47 square yards of oatmeal-colored flesh.

"Doesn't the socialist-in-chief know this is America? We're supposed to resent our wives and loathe our children while harboring secret gay fantasies about the pool boy," Limbaugh would've added, had his mouth not already been crammed with Newt Gingrich's desperate ego.

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Mark Morford's columns are here. His personal newsletter is available here.

Comments

[markart]

It's all jealousy because they look so damn good on date night! And what's so wrong about supporting Broadway?

[allonfla]

it is un-American, as Newt would also say, to use tax payer dollars for a night out to NYC. Instead, Obama should do what most powerful and wealthy American men do, take their 25 year old mistress instead or have a rendezvous in the oval office.

[Kim Barke]

Funny, the first time I read this I thought that enormous ministers were spraying the Zoloft, and still I didn't pause.

[Freesia2]

lol

Thank you for giving them their true vice Mark. I know, we all do, that that is what they'd love to say. But can't because, well.....they're shy.

[djwfutbol]

Harsh but funny.

[darker]

THE JOKE IS ON REPUBLICANS.
America's fiscal chaos is their doing
Republicans = unpatriotic, greedy cowards wearing flag pins
they should stick
where the sun don't shine.

[peterg76]

They didn't say those things, but they're probably thinking things pretty close.