There is something a little sad, if not enormously disturbing, about people like Ken Cuccinelli, the intensely troubled AG of Virginia and one-man Tea Party sideshow who is currently running for governor and who, if he has his way, will hereby outlaw sodomy and oral sex. For everyone. Forevermore.
Something desperate. Something lost. Something demented and strange, like rolling around on broken glass, like slapping yourself in the face with a furious eel, like openly molesting a bunch of baby asparagus. That's Ken for you.
Have you heard? Virginia's deepest embarrassment is making national news, again, for out-Rick Santoruming the legend himself.
Yes, Ken Cuccinelli is apparently so disgusted by human sexuality that he is trying to circumvent the Supreme Court's own 2003 sodomy ruling and reinstate Crimes Against Nature legislation that makes both oral and anal sex a Class 6 felony, so he may freely arrest anyone -- married, single, gay or straight -- who wishes to indulge in either of these ancient and time-honored, God-blessed, Greek-sanctioned sexual acts the likes of which, along with whisky, puppies, yoga, Black Sabbath reunions and ecstatic dendrology, help make life worth living.
For the record, Ken is notoriously daft and effortlessly caricatured. As the wonderful Dahlia Lithwick over at Slate points out, Cuccinelli has attacked respected climate researchers. He has questioned Obama's citizenship. He has bashed women's rights and shut down abortion clinics. Easy access to health care gives him a genital rash. With due props to John Ashcroft, Cuccinelli actually covered up the exposed breast of Virtus, the goddess of virtue, on the 234-year-old Virginia state seal, to great and derisive laughter.
In short, Ken Cuccinelli detests and fears pretty much everything you and I stand for, and we are hereby grateful he is lives so far from the Left Coast, and offer heartfelt sympathies to anyone left in Virginia with an active mind, heart or vagina.
Let us waste no more energy pointing up the absurdity of Ken's agenda. Let us, instead, ponder widely to the heavens: What happened to him, growing up? How do people like Ken turn out this way? How does a single human accumulate so much shame and fear, to the point where they wish so much oppressive ill on the rest of the human race?
It is, or course, a timeless and not at all insignificant question. It goes beyond simply wondering just how many women, homosexuals, playground pals and household pets rejected Ken and his awkward sexual advances when he was younger. It's beyond pondering just how terrible were his parents, or if he was addicted to huffing glue as a teen, or if his father whipped him with a belt for enjoying "The Little Mermaid" a little too... vigorously.
That all might or might not be true. I am not a trained psychologist. I do not have professional insights into the cracked Wiffle Ball that is the Tea Party soul.
One thing we know for sure: If there's vigorous anti-sex crusading going on, you know there's lots of oppressed desire humming just underneath. The rule holds ever true that...
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Mark Morford is the author of The Daring Spectacle: Adventures in Deviant Journalism, a mega-collection of his finest columns for the San Francisco Chronicle and SFGate, and the creator of the new Mark Morford's Apothecary iOS app. He's also a well-known ERYT yoga instructor in San Francisco. Join him on Facebook, or email him. Not to mention...