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America to Be Examined for Vision Impairment

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OBAMA
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The White House today announced that the United States will be undergoing an eye examination within the next 30 days.

Questions over the state of the country's eyesight arose immediately after President Obama, in his speech last week at the National Defense University, said that "Some nations may be able to turn a blind eye to atrocities in other countries. The United States of America is different."

Immediately after the speech concluded, messages were received from rebel and humanitarian groups in Iran, North Korea, the Democratic Republic of Congo, the Ivory Coast and Zimbabwe, offering to send trained optometrists to Washington to determine whether, unbeknownst to the president, America has only one good eye.

Said one source who asked not to be named because his head would be chopped off, "We believe that every nation, large or small, rich or poor, hypocritical or just forgetful, deserves humanitarian aid when the need arises. We stand with America at this difficult moment, even if it can't see us."

When informed of the offers of assistance, House Speaker John Boehner said, "There's no reason that the country with the best health care system in the world can't look at its own eye. These foreigners think it's fine to let socialist outfits like Médecins Sans Frontières treat people who don't have the good sense to buy insurance. Well, thank God our constitution says we don't have to do that."

Senate Majority leader Harry Reid was more circumspect. "Perhaps we simply have something in our eye, like ash blowing across the Atlantic from Yemen. It's possible that the problem will resolve itself and that we don't need to worry about it. So I think we should wait and see if the country tears up."

Meanwhile, the White House has received an offer to conduct the examination from optometrist Roxann Robinson, who also serves as a Republican member of the Virginia House of Delegates. Said Robinson, "I can't, of course, render an opinion before I've seen the patient. But based on how America's been conducting itself, I'm pretty sure the country doesn't have a blind eye. It's just faking it so it doesn't have to get out of bed and go to the UN."