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Mark Steinberg

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Tea Party Rival Confronts Congress With Unprecedented Cuts

Posted: 03/13/2012 3:53 pm

The 99 percent today announced that they have formed a group -- to be known as "The Sea Party" -- whose mission is to excavate the U.S. Capitol and tow it into the Atlantic.

The founder of the group, Downon Hisluck, took reporters' questions while standing beneath a banner bearing the new organization's motto, "No man is an island, but there are 535 who should be."

"We see this as the most efficient way to solve the country's urgent problems," said Hisluck. "If we're going to get America healthy again we've got to get rid of what's making everyone sick to his stomach."

Sea Party Treasurer I.M. Tappedout said that $457.30 had already been contributed to the effort, most coming from 99 percenters whom bankruptcy courts have temporarily permitted back into their homes to retrieve boxer shorts and small change in the cracks between sofa cushions.

Tentative plans call for excavation of the Capitol to begin on January 27, 2013, the day Congress adjourns for its Thomas Crapper Day recess. Digging is to be completed by February 20, the day before Congress returns to Washington to celebrate International Pancake Day.

"Based on what we've seen over the last few years, we're pretty confident that when they come back to work these people will walk into the Capitol without noticing that it's no longer attached to the rest of the country," said Hisluck. "Once they're all inside we'll move in the tugboats, lash the Capitol down, then drag it to the Potomac and out into the Atlantic. The first time they'll suspect something's not right is when they hear a foghorn and notice that nobody's mouth is open."

Hisluck emphasized that the 99 percent intends to do everything possible to ensure that the new island, to be known as "Capitola," is a mirror of American democracy.

"On day one we're going to tell the Capitolans to write down the rights of everyone living on the island. Then every Monday between October and June we're going to send five old white guys over there to tell them what they meant."

The leaders of the Party have also considered questions of commerce between the island and the United States. Said Iris Ulgetcha, a board member from Detroit, "This place is not going to be one-percenter friendly. If, say, some guy wires a billion dollars to Capitola Savings and Loan just before April 15, he'll get back a text message that says 'Planned Parenthood thanks you for your generosity.'"

With respect to social dynamics, Sea Party leaders believe the biggest problems on Capitola will arise as a result of the 4-to-1 ratio of males to females currently in Congress.

"Right now we're thinking about giving the men reversible castrations and the option of either having prosthetic testicles ('Newticles') surgically attached or getting two year leases on so-called 'Vitter Belts,' which come with multiple attachments," said Hisluck, "But we're waiting for some input from the Catholic Church before we put this in stone."

In concluding the news conference, Hisluck made it clear that if the Capitola project is successful, The Sea Party will turn to other targets of concern for the ninety-nine percent.

"We want to identify all the parts of America that are clobbering us, cut them out, and drag them to some place where they won't hurt anybody anymore. For example, we're taking a close look at sawing Wall Street off Manhattan and dragging it to the Arctic."

Asked why the Party would go to the expense of transporting New York's financial district more than three thousand miles to the north rather than simply pushing it out beyond U.S. territorial waters, Hisluck replied:

"Because we want to freeze their big fat assets."