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House Democrats Given Chance To Find Balls

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In exchange for $4 billion, House Republicans have agreed to postpone a vote on a budget that would effectively dismantle the federal government, giving Democrats two weeks to go out and find some balls.

Immediately after the extension vote, the Democrats left the House floor to caucus. All agreed that their first move would be to get a refresher course on balls, as none had seen any since election night in November of 2010.

Minority Leader Pelosi directed that Charlie Sheen be brought into the room to demonstrate the purpose and value of balls. When he completed his demonstration and the applause had subsided, one of the legislators asked if he would be willing to lend his balls to the group until they could get some of their own. Sheen replied, "YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING! THESE ARE CHARLIE SHEEN'S BALLS! NONE OF YOU CAN HANDLE CHARLIE SHEEN'S BALLS! YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THEY'RE CHARLIE SHEEN'S BALLS! Besides, I'm going to need them five thousand times in the next two weeks."

Pelosi then directed Minority Whip Steny Hoyer to determine the extent of the Democrats' ball deficit. After examining every member in the 193 person caucus, Hoyer reported that there were two balls in the room, both belonging to Pelosi.

The Speaker then made a stem-winding speech urging the caucus to devote every waking moment until March 18 to finding balls. As she put it, "If you haven't got them and you can't grow them, get someone to give you a pair."

The congressmen immediately turned to their donor lists and began to dial. They quickly learned that because balls cannot be depreciated, oil companies, banks, and real estate limited partnerships either don't have them or are keeping them offshore. One Democrat was hopeful that the Balls App that Microsoft has under development might be the answer. He was crestfallen, however, upon learning that the company did not intend to release the product it until patches could be simultaneously released.

Although the Democrats still have sixteen days to beat back the Republican budget plan, there are already signs they have given up the fight. Many in the minority have sequestered themselves in order to catch the last two weeks of "All Things Considered." Others have begun bagging and freezing food before the FDA is dismantled.

There is a hard core of Democratic congressmen, however, that is still pursuing the mission. They can be seen going door-to-door in their districts asking their constituents to dig deeper, much deeper, into their pockets to enable them to go back to Washington to do what they were sent there to do.