Released last month from probation on drug and theft charges, actress Lindsay Lohan today announced that she and several other prominent addicts have partnered to form "Prehab," a boutique academy devoted to helping individuals who do not have drug, alcohol or sex problems gain entry to the most exclusive rehabilitation facilities in the world.
"We feel there's a basic misunderstanding about what it takes to get into a high end rehab facility," said Lohan. For example, most people think I ended up in a two thousand dollar a day clinic simply by getting rolled in on a gurney with my wrists tied while trying to wipe scorpions off my head. Well let me tell you, that's not how it works."
"The night guards at Promises and Wonderland and Cirque Lodge didn't just look at me, say 'Welcome back, Ms. Lohan,' and tell the orderlies to lock me in my suite. These places have tests, and as someone who's passed those tests on ten or more occasions with what looked to me at the time like flying colors, I can tell you it takes a lot more than that to have them pleading with your conservator to sign the admission papers so they can get you out of the lobby."
Charlie Sheen, a Prehab partner and its Executive Vice President for Noxious Promiscuity said, "As everyone who's been there knows, getting into Winner rehab facilities takes the strength of ten Warlocks and the physical and mental constitution of a borderline psychotic. I'm going to bring that knowledge to anyone who deserves to sit at, and ideally to lick, my feet."
"Because I hold the view that effective pedagogy requires showing rather than telling, I've recorded many hours of videotape with my goddesses, sometimes as a group. When we've edited out the boring parts -- of which, I hasten to add, there are few -- I believe the video will serve as an excellent starting point for a course I've tentatively titled 'Drilling, Drilling, Drilling: How Much Oil Do You Really Need?'"
Robert Downey, Jr., another of Prehab's founders, offered his own perspective on the venture: "We think getting into a high end rehabilitation facility should be a right, not a privilege reserved for those who, like me, have had the good fortune to be naturally addicted to illegal substances and mostly legal young women. It may seem corny, but we believe with all our hearts that there isn't anyone in this country, with the possible exception of Rick Santorum, who lacks the potential to find the barrel, climb into it, and sink to the bottom."
While full details of the program are still to come, a Prehab press release says it will include a unit devoted to clarifying key misconceptions about how to become an alcoholic (e.g., "well" drinks bear no relationship to "wellness" drinks); a field trip to the Mustang Ranch led by an expert in unnatural selection; the sampling of a substance with such extraordinary power to destroy independent thinking that it has been endorsed by the Church of Scientology; and instruction on finding personal assistants whose moral compasses have been supplanted by GPS devices programmed to pinpoint the locations of high end methamphetamine dealers.
Lohan said she and her partners hope to turn a mirror on America -- "a really clean one," she emphasized -- to demonstrate that people all too often settle for the silver rather than reach for the gold. As she puts it, "Instead of letting their addictions, obsessions and so-called 'bad habits' take them to places they've never been, too many Americans yield to the siren's call of abstinence. We refer to these people as 'Lap-Banders,' individuals desperate to show the world that they don't want as much as they really want."
"We will offer the opportunity for ordinary people like these to elevate themselves to the status of stars; to show them that with hard work they can one day be accorded the kind of service and respect once reserved to the likes of John Belushi, River Phoenix, and Elvis Presley."