Note: Aflac Insurance, after auditioning 12,500 applicants online, has chosen a new voice for the Aflac Duck
Producer: "OK, people, before we begin I want to tell you a little bit about what we're looking for. First, we need you to sound like you're talking out of your nose. Second, you're a little edgy, a little angry. You're Demonsthenes, looking and looking for an honest man but without the lantern or the pebbles in your mouth."
Online voice: "Sir, I believe it was Diogenes who was looking for an honest man."
Producer: [on mute] "Who is that?"
Assistant: "Number 2,347."
Producer: "Number 2,347, your voice doesn't sing to me but we'll keep your information in case the other 12, 499 don't work out. So where was I? Oh yeah, the pebbles. The duck just spat out the pebbles. He's pissed off because he doesn't think the pebbles are helping. He wants to sound like Morgan Freeman but he still sounds like a duck."
Online voice: "I wonder if I might ask a question. Is the duck standing still or is he waddling?"
Producer: "Excellent point. We need you to give us a standing take and a waddling take. And with the waddling take you need to think left to right. So he's talking out the right side of his bill. One more point. Even though he's irritated and his voice is annoying and he's selling something, the duck is not a Jew. He comes from a flock of like eight or ten, so he's maybe Catholic or Mormon. OK, let's get started."
Assistant: "Number 1."
Online voice: "Aflac.....Aflac."
Producer: "Sounds like a pussy. Next."
Online voice: "Aflac....Aflac."
Producer: "You're waddling right to left. Next."
Online voice: "Aflac....Aflac."
Producer: "It's in the ballpark, but you need a little more irritation. He's telling people they're idiots for not buying the goddamn insurance. They're mindless fools, like birthers. Go practice that and we'll come back to you."
Online voice: "Aflac....Aflac."
Producer: "You went to Brandeis, right?"
Online voice: "Part time."
Producer: "Did you hear what I said about the Jewish thing or are you deaf? Anyway, have a nice life. Next."
Online voice: "Aflac.............................Aflac."
Producer: "If we wanted method we'd have gotten Pacino."
Online voice: "Aflac...Awfluck."
Producer: "Gonna be a long day."