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Sex With the City -- Cain Bombshell Rocks Washington

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There were startling new developments yesterday in the sexual harassment imbroglio threatening to derail the campaign of would-be Republican Presidential nominee Herman Cain.

At a news conference held at the District of Columbia's City Hall, Mayor Vincent Gray revealed that from 1985 until 2001 Cain made repeated sexual advances on the entire City of Washington, D.C., prompting it to file multiple grievances with Congress.

Said Gray, "For years, Mr. Cain treated this City as his sexual toy. For example, he put his hands under our Beltway whenever the mood struck him. He also freely entered DuPont Circle, a very sensitive part of our metropolis, never even asking whether his Ford Probe would fit in our spaces."

Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton, the City's non-voting member of the House of Representatives, also criticized Cain's behavior:

"Until today we have kept silent about this deplorable conduct. The reason for that silence was a 2001 settlement agreement with Mr. Cain in which we promised to hold in confidence the details of his despicable acts in exchange for three pieces of Italian Monkey Bread and a medium gluten-free Hawaiian-style pizza for all 600,000 Washingtonians every year for ten years. Well, Mr. Cain, your time is up. Our silence can no longer be bought, irrespective of how much dough you may offer."

"I'd like to add that we're very disappointed with the responses we've received to our complaints from the legislative committees that oversee the District. For example, when we told Congressman Darrell Issa, the Chairman of the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform, that the District had been the victim of virtually daily assault for at least 15 years, he said he was outraged because that was his job. Unfortunately, so far the only thing the Congressman has done is subpoena for DNA testing the underwear of every non-white person in the City."

Cain quickly convened his own news conference to address the new charges.

"I have never been in, on top of, or within 999 miles of Washington, D.C. In fact, that is one of the themes of my campaign. Right now I've got billboards all over Iowa saying 'Herman Cain: I won't set foot in Washington or Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan until I'm President of the United States."

Cain also said he believed the people behind the charges were "playing the race card."

When a reporter noted that the Mayor of Washington and approximately 50% of its population are African American, Cain shot back,

"See, what you don't understand is that there are 51 other cards in the deck. What obviously happened here is that the black majority in the City discarded the race card and the white minority picked it up and yelled 'gin.' There are definitely whites out there, most of whom live in Washington, D.C., who are devils."

The candidate ended the news conference by throwing down the gauntlet: "If Washington, D.C. wants to shoot it out, I'm ready to go to the mattresses. In fact, now that I think about it I'm ready to go to the mattresses with pretty much anybody."