04/12/2011 10:17 pm ET | Updated Jun 12, 2011

The Donald Ducks the Hard Question

It appears that a growing number of Americans are prepared to cast their vote in the 2012 presidential race for Donald Trump, millionaire real estate developer and proponent of the view that President Obama was not born in the United States.

But Trump may have a problem of his own. Exhaustive research I've conducted over the past several days reveals there is no credible evidence that Trump was born on this planet.

Having been accorded rare access to the Granite Mountain Records Vault, a massive archive maintained by the Mormon Church containing mankind's genealogical records, I found no indication of the birth of one Donald Trump, Senior. The inexorable conclusion that Trump's life did not begin on Earth is reinforced by the fact that no suggestion of his birth can be found in either L. Ron Hubbard's "Dianetics" nor in the index of the proceedings of the United Nations.

Notwithstanding this significant evidence of the fraud Trump is prepared to foist on the American people, out of fairness to the man I felt I should make the case irrefutable before surfacing it. To that end, I traveled to Corona, New Mexico, where in 1947 on the 3rd of July (curiously, only 55 days prior to the day the 2012 Republican Convention is to begin), William "Mac" Brazel discovered a downed flying saucer and several alien bodies.

Though Brazel died in 1998, there are a few people in Corona to whom he told his story. I found one of them, who agreed to speak to me on condition of anonymity because a voice had told him his brain would be sucked out with straws if he talked.

The source said that Brazel had never publicly revealed the entire story."'The Air Force told Mac to keep his mouth shut or he'd find himself in the bomb bay of a B-52, but he told me the rest of what he saw, and I'll tell you it sent a shiver up my spine.

"He said there were things that looked like hair follicles, some of them six-seven feet tall, and they could walk and talk something that sounded like English but made no sense. Said they got together in a big group, all blowin' the same way in the wind, and they just walked out into the desert, heading East. He said he followed them for a while and stepped over dead ones, but he was pretty sure that the rest just kept on going."

I asked the source whether Mac felt he needed to bring back evidence of what he saw. He said, "No, he figured that there'd be plenty of dead ones for other people to find."

And there it is. Donald Trump will doubtlessly try to walk away from the evidence, perhaps suggesting that a DNA test will put the whole thing to rest. But as we learned in the OJ Simpson case, DNA can lie. Soon the world will know Donald Trump for what he is: the product of an exploding asteroid.

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