Financier and rumored presidential candidate Donald Trump today filed suit in federal district court claiming that Barack Obama was not 35 years old when he assumed the presidency.
At a press conference announcing the filing, Trump said that individuals whose names he could not reveal out of concern they might be contacted by reporters who weren't with Fox News, had provided him with the shocking information that Barack Obama was born at 12:01PM on January 20, making him one minute younger than 35 at noon on January 20, 2009.
When reporters pressed him for further proof, Trump produced a copy of an Indonesian birth certificate for one "Barry Hussein," dated 1/20/74 and bearing a 12:01 PM time stamp.
One reporter remarked that in 1974 Obama was in the eighth grade at a private school in Honolulu. Trump responded, "We asked the registrar at that school to show us the original stamped certificate of Obama's live attendance at an assembly where Senator Hiram Fong lectured on the implications of butt rot disease in pineapples. And guess what, they didn't have one."
Following up, the reporter noted that records show that Obama started college in 1979, meaning that he would have been a freshman when he was five years old. Trump snapped back, "No one said he wasn't smart."
A stringer for The Jakarta Post asked Trump if he had considered the impact of time zones in bringing his suit. He responded, "Of course we did. We decided to file in New York so I could get to LA before the Lakers Game was over."
The reporter persisted, "Were you aware, Mr. Trump, that there's an 11 hour time difference between Washington, D.C. and Indonesia?"
"I let people who work for me carry my Rolexes," Trump replied.
The reporter then observed that if Barack Obama was sworn in at noon on January 20th and was born in Indonesia on January 20 at 12:01 PM, he would have been inaugurated 10 hours and 59 minutes after he turned 35.
Unperturbed, Trump replied, "My lawyer, Lenny, would know about that. By the way Lenny, you're fired. Anyway, I've also got a certificate of very likely birth that says Obama was born in Papua."
The reporter said that even if that were the case, Obama would still have reached the constitutionally mandated age before the swearing in.
Trump revealed that he also had testimony from a mid-wife in Perth who said that at that date and time she saw a woman carrying something the size of a baby in a blanket and there were two big ears sticking out of it.
Another reporter chimed in, "He still would have been old enough to be president."
"Well, what if he'd been born in Honolulu?"
"Then he would not have been 35 years old at 12 PM on January 20, 2009 in Washington, D.C."
"Well, then, we'll go with that."
"But, sir, given your repeated claim that the president wasn't born in America, do you think you can now convince your base that he was actually born in Hawaii?"
"Piece of cake."