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Woodward Scores Romney Exclusive

10/02/2011 03:05 pm ET | Updated Dec 02, 2011

Note: In a 2007 interview, Mitt Romney revealed that he had tied the family's Irish Setter, Seamus, to the roof of his station wagon for the twelve-hour trip from Boston to the family vacation home in Ontario, Canada.

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"Bob Woodward, please."
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"Mr. Woodward, thank you for taking my call. First, let me apologize for the noise on the line. I'm speaking from the roof of an SUV traveling at about 70 miles an hour."
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"No, this isn't for Jackass 3. I'm up here because Mitt Romney tied me up here. I'm his dog."
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"No, not the Irish Setter. He disappeared when the Governor traded in his car and forgot Seamus was on the roof."
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"It's an excellent question, but I'm certain he didn't tie me up here because I've been a bad dog. Sure my coat is a mess, but that's because he hogs the brush. What he says is that I'm up here because there's not enough room in the Escalade. Well let me tell you, Mr. Woodward, that's unadulterated bullshit. I'm three inches shorter and weigh two ounces less than a goddamn churro. What I'm saying to you is that Mitt Romney es un hombre que no se puede confiar." [Trans: "Mitt Romney is a man you can't trust"]

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"That's amazing, sir. Your reputation as the finest journalist of our time is well-deserved. Yes, I am in fact a Chihuahua. And that, Mr. Woodward, is why I'm spreadeagled on the roof of an SUV. Let me connect the dots for you."

"Before he announced he was running for President I always rode in the glove compartment. My life was generally great, except for having to eat LDS food scraps like Jell-O and macaroni casserole. Anyway, after he announces he wants to be President everything changes. He says I've gotta ride on top because I wrinkle the owner's manual, I make it hard for him to reach his hair spray, and it's dangerous for him to take his eyes off the road to open the glove box so I can breathe."
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"Why the change? I'll tell you why. He's trying to make it look like he's tough on illegal aliens."
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"Yes, I know I'm not an alien, I'm not illegal, and I'm not even human, but the Tea Party zealots aren't real discriminating, unless they're discriminating."
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"Have there been any other significant changes in how he acts? You bet there have. For example, when he was a corporate takeover artist he'd come home and tell the family, 'I just grabbed the whole enchilada from this dumb schmuck and hasta luegoed 95% of his empleados.' But after he throws his hat in the ring suddenly it's, 'Honey, kids, I'm proud to say that today I helped a small businessman by acquiring his faltering firm, thereby giving great numbers of his fine employees the chance for better, higher-paying jobs.'"

"And then there's the driving. Before he announced he was running for President he drove in the middle lane on the freeway, right between the lines. After the announcement he turns into an Evil Knievel who can't steer straight. Suddenly he's veering to the right, sometimes all the way over to the apron, and when people start yelling and screaming that he needs to get back to the middle he says, 'This is where I've always driven.'"

"Mr. Woodward, this is a story that needs to be told, not just to PETA or the ASPCA or Betty White, but to all of America. I really hope you'll help me.
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"That's terrific, and you should feel free to quote anything I've told you, but there's one small favor I have to ask. I'm going to need a little cover. If this guy got wind of our chat he'd go out and buy a convertible, and then where would I be? So please leave my name out of the story, OK?"
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"That's an interesting suggestion, but I think identifying me as an "itsy-bitsy canine" is going to result in the spontaneous combustion of a pretty sweet, possibly occupied, doghouse. Have you got anything else?"
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"That's brilliant. Bernstein was inspired when he asked you to become his leg man. You've made me a very happy Chihuahua, Bob, and I'm definitely on board. I think identifying me as 'a highly placed source' is right on the money."