THE BLOG

6 Reasons Why Equality for Women Doesn't Always Work (For Me)

06/13/2014 04:13 pm ET | Updated Aug 13, 2014

1.) Equal Pay for Equal Work

I'm all in favor for the "pay" portion of this mantra but... what kind of work are we talking about?

Operating a jackhammer in the middle of a busy Manhattan sidewalk in the hot sun? Pass.

A chance to play in the NFL? Trust me, I would love nothing more than to earn Eli Manning's salary (and have full access to the NY Giants locker room). I mean, duh. But getting my head bashed into the ground every Sunday? Mmmm, thanks but no thanks. I like wearing my brains on the inside.

2.) Workplace Sensitivity Training

Screw you, Human Resources. Did you ever think that I want to be sexually harassed at the office? How the hell else is a girl supposed to meet a guy with a job?

I met my husband at a bar, only to find out that he had been working down the hall from me for two years. We shared the same break room for f**k sake. So congrats to you, corporate c**k blockers. Your program works. It just doesn't work for me. How about you just concentrate more on the company's health benefits and less on the company's friends with benefits.

Now I'm going to be an old mom. Thanks a million, HR.

3.) Going Dutch (Or, as I like to call it, I'm not going to sleep with you)

Even though this doesn't apply to me anymore, I still think this is a valuable message to put out there.

When you're out with a guy and he says "It's cool, you can just get the tip..." Run.

Yes he's funny, he's nice, he's cute. And yes, I know you are an independent woman who can pay her own way and blah, blah, blah. But the bottom line here: He is cheap. And that will grow old... and so will you as you bust your ass for the rest of your life in a cubicle, married to "Mr. Halfsies."

4.) We Can Pull Out Our Own Chair

Am I capable of doing it myself? Yes. Do I want to do it myself? Hell no!

I'm a germaphobe. So, the less I come in physical contact with things that have been touched by the general public, the better. Just be old-fashioned for five freakin' seconds and get my chair for me, will ya? This does not disempower me. In fact, it saves me money in hand sanitizer.

5.) We Can Open Our Own Doors

Of course we can. I am woman, hear me roar.

Except... I am a tired, busy, woman on a deadline who is fresh out of Xanax. I have an iPhone in one hand, a latte in the other, a baby strapped to my chest and no free hands. So just open the door for me. Douche nugget.

6.) Breaking the Glass Ceiling

Meh. Sleeping my way to the top sounds easier. And way more fun.