Advice for Parents Who Suck

Prior to having a baby, I was always so annoyed by other people's disruptive, unruly kids in public spaces. Now that I'm a mom, nothing has changed.

I love my daughter. Live for her, actually. She is the absolute best thing ever... to ME. Just as I am sure that your kid is the best thing ever... to YOU. I emphasize the last part of that phrase because I think some people completely lose sight of this.

Fact: Not everyone (or anyone) gives a crap about your kids the way you do. Or at all. Not even other parents.

Make no mistake, I have been that person who can't get her kid to stop being loud, or to stop throwing any and all table contents on a restaurant floor, or running up to complete strangers, attempting to steal a pair of glasses off of their face.

And, I am fully aware that a child's behavior is not always a direct result of one's parenting style. There are many factors that contribute to the way a kid is acting. However, this does not make your child any less annoying.

I do sympathize with other parents but, don't give me that 'kids will be kids' expression when your child is being an a**hole. Do not look in my direction just because I have a toddler in tow. We are not a team. That little sh*t is all yours.

However, I will offer some advice for the clueless parents who need it, on behalf of the haters who hate them.

1. Restaurant Screamers: Your child's head is spinning like Linda Blair because she doesn't want to eat the food you ordered her. Or she is tired. Or she's an undiagnosed sociopath. Whatever.

Advice: Just give your kid ice cream for dinner. Sometimes a little bit of wrong makes everything right. So please, tell the waiter you need a banana split. Pronto. Or just leave. Those are your options.

2. Playground Lunatics: Your evil spawn is recklessly mowing down other kids. And now he is mowing ME down while I (unlike you) closely supervise my daughter. You are watching it happen over and over again, from a seated position.

Advice: Get off the bench and your cell phone. You can make your Botox appointment later. Actually, skip the appointment. Save the money for your son's future therapy sessions regarding his neglectful mommy issues. Now get your douchey kid away from me.

3. Bouncing Bullies: Your freakishly tall 6-year-old is turning the bouncy house into a minefield. Jump related activities are already hazardous without your ill-behaved Sasquatch purposely making it impossible for the toddlers to stand, let alone bounce.

Advice: Invest in a trampoline for your backyard. (city dwellers: throw a mattress on the floor of your apartment)

4. Miniature Road Blocks: Your child is zigzagging aimlessly on a busy city sidewalk at the pace of The Walking Dead. He has no clue that he is holding up foot traffic. But you're not noticing because you're too busy taking a selfie of your new highlights and need to show everyone on social media, right this very second.

Advice: Pull yourself and your kid to one side while you finish your post. Better yet, log off of Facebook. No one cares about your hair. No one.

5. Airplane Outbursts: You scheduled your flight around nap time. But your 1-year-old is incapable of falling asleep in an upright seated position, in an entirely new environment, surrounded by strangers. Baffling. Now she is investigating every inch of the plane and its passengers, screaming at full volume when you try to bring her back to her seat.

Advice: Take road trips.

6. Tantrum Throwers: Your kid is in a 5-alarm freak out mode because you won't buy him a power drill. Because 3-year-olds have no use for power drills. But, that's not good enough. And his pants are all wet because he purposely poured water on them -- but somehow -- that's your fault. Plus, the dog he was playing with left the store with its owner. Also your fault.

Ok. You get a free pass here.

Advice: Alcohol.

In sum, it does not 'take a village,' it just takes a capable adult.

Oh, and if you come across a woman pushing a stroller, don't assume that she is kid friendly.

Happy parenting.