Another Way To Make Love

There's nothing new about hooking up. As a sexual-revolutionary, I practically lived on the Relationship Roller Coaster. Little did I know that biology was arranging every ride. Like many, I believed I just hadn't found "Mr. Right," even after I married and divorced. As it turned out, the issue wasn't so much who as how.

I started to connect the dots in my thirties, when I experimented with a little known sacred sex technique -- and learned something unexpected. The technique calls for generous affection and relaxed intercourse. Instead of climaxing, lovers keep melting into a sort of sexual meditation until they feel completely satisfied. Over thousands of years, people have rediscovered this approach, so it goes by various names: angelic dual cultivation, le jazer (cortezia), karezza, the reserved embrace (amplexus reservatus), and so forth. (More in future posts.)

The "avoid orgasm" element seemed peculiar, but as much as I loved orgasm, I was ready to try anything that promised greater harmony. I was expending far too much time and energy angsting over my love life.

Early results were mixed. As long as a lover and I stayed with the practice, we experienced growing harmony and deeper intimacy. But it was really easy to drop back into hot foreplay and orgasm. At first, the resulting pattern was almost too subtle to identify, but after a while it became exasperatingly predictable. During the days and weeks after a passion bout, the spark faded. Arguments arose. So did a need for space. Both the drive to "fix" the tension with more hot sex, and the drive to "fix" each other, reached gale force. I thought, "If only he would...." He saw me differently, too. Eventually the relationship would crater, and I would start anew with increased determination.

Very slowly I learned the wisdom of steering around orgasm during intercourse. The benefits? Some showed up in the bedroom, but many showed up elsewhere. We looked cuter -- at least to each other. We stopped bickering over nonsense. We both felt sexually satisfied, with no sexual performance issues. We lost our need for "space." Arguments about "not doing enough" or "not giving enough" stopped. Communication struggles evaporated. We wanted to be together even after our honeymoon neurochemistry wore off.

At some point during this learning curve, my husband joined the quest. We've been playing with this approach to lovemaking for eight years now. It's different, but lighthearted and affectionate. We laugh a lot. We find each other adorable. In fact, we're so hooked on harmony that we actually resent it a bit when orgasm does sneak up on us.

So how can sex affect lovers' outlooks? Esoteric talk about conserving sexual energy didn't satisfy my physiology-teaching husband, who delved into the dark corners of scientific journals. The evidence pointed to a primitive program related to an ancient part of the brain common to all mammals (limbic brain). Chemical messengers produce an "I'm done!" feeling after a night of passionate sex. The result is a strong, yet subconscious, signal. It says, "Mission accomplished!" And, often, "Who's next?"

Comedian Bill Maher summed it up:

Forget breast implants. It's never about big or little, or short or tall, or blonde or brunette. It's only about "old" and "new." Hugh Grant had Elizabeth Hurley at home, and he wanted Marvin Hagler in a wig.

Like it or not, sexual satiety leads to declining attraction--and the tendency to find novel mates especially alluring. Scientists call this the Coolidge Effect. Consider this experiment. Researchers took a group of monkeys and fixed the females so that they were always in the mood (with daily hormones). Monkey heaven, right?

Not so much. Over the next 3.5 years the males copulated with declining frequency and enthusiasm. Scientists then replaced the females with different females (also on hormones). The males snapped right back to their initial zest and frequency...at least for a bit. Mother Nature doesn't like unfertilized females.

The Coolidge Effect has shown up in all the mammals tested for it, even in females. It's hard to spot at the beginning of a relationship, thanks to the effects of powerful, alas temporary, honeymoon neurochemistry. But it lurks there, creating tension with our romantic inclinations.

While it may seem cruel, there's a kind of biological logic to this tension between mating impulses and pair-bonding longings; it ensures that we bond (on average) for long enough to fall in love with our child (who benefits from two caregivers)--before becoming restless. This arrangement serves our genes' objectives of more offspring with more diversity among them.

It may not serve us, however. Affectionate touch and close trusted companionship are excellent health insurance. Not only that, when researchers look at which factors statistically predict human happiness, "harmonious pair-bond" tops the list.

Perhaps this is why we earthlings keep rediscoving this practice of frequent, gentle intercourse which side-steps sexual satiety. It's like learning to diet by eating smarter, rather than struggling to eat less. As my husband says, "my limbic brain stays enchanted because I don't attempt to fertilize you."

We've replaced biology's spell with our own.

Comments

[Alok Kumar]

Excellent point, panda. But people fear trying it, because they don't have enough faith in themselves or their relationships. They don't think their love is strong enough to withstand the allure of novelty. They choke their love to save it.

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[samilli3]

orgasim is the best!!!!!!

[Trilby]

Wow... I am so over sex. In my 40s I was positively crazed. I left a marriage because I wasn't getting enough and married a man who had only sex to offer. And now, I've had enough to last me a lifetime and couldn't be less interested. SIGH!!!!

[MikeDu]

Its been argued that companionship & nest-building is an entirely different pursuit than sexual satisfaction. That the trouble comes when the two are forced unnaturally into the same pidgeon hole. The reason why its called a 'sex life' is that aspect of your personality often has aims & behaviors at odds with your 'work life' or 'home life' selves. There seems to be two solutions to the problem - One, suggested above, is that your 'sex life' self be molded into something more compatible with your 'home life' personality. An an alernate solution is that your 'home life' self have a more forebearance and forgiveness for the machinations of your (and your partner's) 'sex life' self. Mark Sanford and family come to mind in this regard.

[Marnia Robinson]

Forgiveness is definitely appropriate, and a greater understanding of how our biology jerks us around in our sex lives is very helpful in this regard. People should certainly choose their own solutions. I'll just add that in my case I was so certain of the value of orgasm that I simply couldn't conceive of another way to manage my sex life--until I tried it for awhile. Sometimes I'm still astonished!

I am also intrigued by the research showing that close, trusted companionship and warm affection are such powerful support for good health. (For example, HIV+ patients with live-in partners live longer and progress to AIDS more slowly, and wounds heal twice as fast with companionship as they do in isolation.) Moreover, as pair-bonders, our reward circuitry may be especially vulnerable to seeking substitute stimulation when a partner isn't around. Pair-bonding voles used more amphetamines than non-pair-bonders. Maybe pair-bonds have more to offer than we realize.

[shotei]

Although this piece is very well written and romantic, I find this new "technique" rather weird. No matter how much feeling and intimacy are included in sex, it's mainly a physical connection with a partner with the goal of creating pleasure for both. This pleasure culminates in the orgasm.
I can agree with the "no hurry sex", where the two partners engage in a long, patient, intimate relationship without rushing to the climax. This enhances pleasure, builds intimacy and arouse the senses. But avoiding the orgasm is basically taking away the climax and ultimate goal of any sexual experience, be it a selfish one night stand or a romantic candle-lit night with your loved one.
Regardless of the nice words, it sounds...unnatural.

[cdd45]

I found this article interesting.

It makes me think of all the TV fictional couples where the series "jumped the shark" when the couples consummated their relationship. (Moonlighting, for example). It's as if the audience was in the state of sexal tension along with the characters and the consummation made the audience want to look for something new.

Of course, my favorite show solved this by having the couples consummation lead to horrifying consequences.

[PhDiva]

I think every couple and every relationship is different and people should express their sexualities in ways that work for them.

However, the problem I have with this model is that it becomes another argument that diminishes the importance of a woman's sexual pleasure. Worse, it's suggesting that if a woman does not give up her sexual pleasure, then she is sacrificing the well-being of her relationship. This sounds like an argument from the 50s. I think pleasure, including pleasure in the form of orgasm, can be very important and empowering for women. Why can't women have orgasms and healthy relationships? Why is that too much to ask for?

[shotei]

Your post sounds very feminist. You missed the point that men also avoid orgasm according to this alternative (to say the least) sexual technique. In fact, the scientific explanation is mostly given related to the male part of the relationship. If he doesn't have an orgasm, then his instincts won't naturally look for something "new". Very weird.

[ks60]

Important topic, but what if you had FGM forced on you. If you don't know what it is google it. Not to bring anyone down, AND, I know this is out of left field, but ... really think about it. Amnesty International estimated 6000 girls a day are subjected to it. Why didn't the Sec of State mention this during her recent trip to Africa? Why aren't we strongly standing against this violent, evil misogynistic practice.

[eileenflemingWAWA]

Connecting sexually begins in the kitchen and living room and hot sweaty passionate sex in a long term committed relationship will become more of a memory than the usual current reality.

Seems to me that laughing at the same things is what keeps couples close; and getting off will just happen. Or not.

[gsrocks]

I see that the building up to the point is the best ,I think as you get older you see things diferently.
I myself am just out of what i would call the most amazing relationship i ever have had,to bad the other side decided to take another road

[Panda Sekuhara]

Why not combine the two - have a long term ongoing sensual and ever-more-conscious and loving relationship, as well as short term sexual-orgasmic ones to keep things new? Historically, this has pretty much always been the "norm" among otherwise monogamous long term relationships - in order to keep the energy, and stick the bad times out, we've always needed people-of-­the-moment to help us recall those feelings of newness and excitement.

So, have your deep sensual tantric non-orgasmic play cake, and eat your fun new rollercoaster fling cake, too! In other words, celebrate your life and loves on the positive, creative aspects you bring TO a given pairing, rather than lamenting the monogamy-induced compromise and sacrifice that you must take something AWAY in order to remain true to your partner.

[geroldf]

Excellent point, panda. But people fear trying it, because they don't have enough faith in themselves or their relationships. They don't think their love is strong enough to withstand the allure of novelty. They choke their love to save it.

[bluecollarblogger]

Good article...­.enlighten­ing....but couldn't the writer have summed it all up into one brief fact, its not about the goal, the climax, the orgasm.......its about the journey. About the other person, about your mate and coming to the knowledge of who they are and who we are. Appreciating someone for something more than a physical attraction, but for true intimacy.

It's not the destinatio­n.........­.its the journey which is so fulfilling and exciting

[Colette071109]

Amen Bluecollarblogger, amen!

[myub40]

To each his/her own.

[jhalvers]

That's the real secret to a healthy relationship... his or her own alone time. And lots of porn.

[way2sunny]

This article made me laugh out loud! I always have sex without orgasm, who knew that made me the enlightened one. I don't think my husband would be interested in joining me though. Ha!

[StephBr]

I hope you are joking

[wdmax]

Okay, alright, I'll chime in...

This article is absolutely correct. Without revealing to much here, it works. The key is control. If your partner is willing you will find that intercourse without orgasm will change your attitude toward each other. Don't think sex, think intimacy. I'd rather feel amorous (horny; for the guys out there) and connected about my girl than satisfied and detached. If you give it a chance you'll find that foreplay happens every time you get together. You think about each other more, you play with each other more, it's pretty cool. It's all about getting to the edge without letting go. Take turns, experiment...

If you understand how your brain works then you can have a better understanding of yourself.