Sex's Secret Gift: Aligning With The Flow Of Life
The first Daoist book I read on cultivating sexual energy rang a profound bell. Sure, there was the niggling emphasis on avoiding orgasm and making love in a relaxed way (huh?), but at the same time the descriptions of effortless merging sounded so right. I wanted to learn more.
What I learned was not what I expected to learn. After many bruises and breakthroughs, I realized that the Daoists were right. Sex is a mighty tool for centering, balancing and aligning ourselves with the harmonious flow of life.
My husband and I have been experimenting with this peaceful form of lovemaking for the eight years of our relationship. Both of us are delighted with the harmony between us (which is a far cry from the unsettling dramas of our previous relationships) and the unexpected decrease in sexual frustration. We have also experienced some profound healing and a continued, surprising flow of abundance.
To understand our results, it helps to begin where the Daoists did. Sex can be used two different ways: for short-term pleasure and fertilization or for creating deep, lingering feelings of wholeness and serenity. One term for the latter approach is "angelic dual cultivation."
Where ordinary intercourse is effortful, angelic cultivation [also called "the tai chi of sexual intercourse"] is calm, relaxed, quiet, and natural. Where ordinary intercourse unites sex organs with sex organs, angelic cultivation unites spirit with spirit, mind with mind, and every cell of one body with every cell of the other body. Culminating not in dissolution but in integration, it is an opportunity for a man and woman to mutually transform and uplift each other into the realm of bliss and wholeness. (Laozi's Hua Hu Ching, trans. Brian Walker)
Notice how this description differs from most recipes for sexual tantra (or even modern Daoist teachings). With some exceptions, tantra tends to employ sex as a potent drug, a means of gaining an intense altered state prior to orgasm.
Despite its glorious pleasures, orgasm whips up inner turbulence -- without our awareness. Deep in a primitive part of the brain known as the reward circuitry, orgasm equates with a mighty surge of a neurochemical called dopamine. It's the "I've gotta have it" neurochemical. It drives mammals to do things that furthered their ancestors' survival, whether on not those things are in their individual best interests. In mankind's case these things include the tendency to gorge on high-calorie food, take risks with little attention to long-term consequences, and above all, gratify our sexual desire. In other words, it is not the job of these primitive impulses to move us toward lasting harmony, happiness, or heightened spiritual awareness.
Indeed a Dutch scientist reported that brain scans of people having orgasm resemble those of people shooting heroin. However, just like a drug high, this temporary infusion of feel-good neurochemicals at climax does not last. Dopamine drops after orgasm, and other neurochemical shifts can make dopamine levels bounce around for days.
Without dopamine at its ideal levels during the recovery period, our feelings and even our perception of the world can vacillate. In a recent experiment, subjects whose dopamine was artificially lowered had difficulty resisting short-term rewards despite long-term negative consequences.
This neurochemical roller coaster ride (or "passion cycle") typically creates unnecessary turbulence for up to two weeks -- although most of us certainly will not connect any wobbles in perception with the great sex that caused them. At most we realize that we, or more likely, our partner, seems irritable, over-sensitive, defensive, unforgiving, apathetic, unloving, clingy, hyperactive, or whatever.
Ancient Daoist sages taught that sex is like fire or water. Fire and water, they noted, could aid a man...or kill him. The Daoists mastered a way to use sex without mood swings. They observed that intercourse itself is beneficial to both lovers, an effective tool for creating deep feelings of lingering wholeness. Sure enough, recent research supports the idea that affectionate contact between partners reduces stress, speeds healing, improves immunity, and strengthens emotional bonds.
By making love without intense neurochemical highs (orgasm, or the edge of orgasm), ancient Daoists not only escaped subsequent lows, but recorded heavenly feelings of profound inner peace. The ancient Chinese text Dangers and Benefits says this state is achieved through a combination of deep penetration, low arousal, and visualizations of energy moving through the body.
Whatever its ultimate potential, sex may be one of the most accessible fulcrums for shifting our collective mindset for the better. At present when we make love we unthinkingly hop onto the roller coaster of highs and lows (subtle or pronounced). Yet with some practice we could be using sex to move beyond the self-generated dissatisfaction that leads us to clutch at each new temptation. With stable feelings of wholeness and inner peace, it's easier to make inspired choices that serve our collective best interest.
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As others have commented here it would be painful for a man not to achieve an orgasm especially if it had been delayed.
On the other side, the ability for a man to delay his sexual climax is certainly what most woman want and enjoy. The ultimate is of course for both a man and a woman to climax at the same time which is a Tantric goal and possible.
http://www.acaicheap.info
I hate to admit it but the Flow of Life is passing me by.....a lot.
Orgasm is clearly more of a big deal for women than men, so if you are able to forgo it, that says quite a lot. Sometimes it is our not having that makes all the difference. Most of us live on a day to day basis with a feeling that things could be better when they are already as good as they're going to get, and it's very difficult to get past.
The answer - sometimes - most of the time - is to give it up.
Human beings are often in a state of malcontent over anything, and everything. Once on a mushroom trip realized that it was ok to exist here now, in this space in time. It made me realize I was spending most my life constantly trying to reach for something.
For a lot of people, making love for hours on end with no orgasm is a recipe for a stroke.
It must have been a very long time ago that Marnia read anything Daoist as she or her editor misspelled the name which is Taoist not Daoist. I think the Taoist author, Lao Tzu was a great thinker and very wise man. However procrastination in sexual intercourse (Tantric) is designed to heighten the pleasure at climax not put it off entirely. As others have commented here it would be painful for a man not to achieve an orgasm especially if it had been delayed.
On the other side, the ability for a man to delay his sexual climax is certainly what most woman want and enjoy. The ultimate is of course for both a man and a woman to climax at the same time which is a Tantric goal and possible.
Actually, a Chinese scholar recently informed me that a different convention (Hanyu Pinyin) is now the universal modern standard for writing Chinese words in English...and so the official spelling is "Daoist," just as "Lao Tzu" is now "Laozi." The familiar spellings are from a system known as Wade-Giles (a Victorian system in wide use until about 1970, and the reason many of us still think in terms of "Tao"). Nuisance, eh?
I appreciate all your thoughts on this important subject, but just as in the Tantra tradition, there are many conflicting bits of wisdom about sex and orgasm in Daoist lore. Some emphasize intense build-up, others a more relaxed approach. The former would seem to be very hard on the prostate, and I do not recommend it...with or without orgasm. If you're interested in a comparison of Chia's teachings with karezza (this gentle approach), you may find this article of interest: "Comparing Neo-Taoism with Karezza" http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/neotaoism_and_karezza
I would like to think you and your partner could figure out the best way and the way you both feel the best at....
"By making love without intense neurochemical highs (orgasm, or the edge of orgasm), ancient Daoists not only escaped subsequent lows, but recorded heavenly feelings of profound inner peace."
This is confusing.
Are you describing sex without orgasm here?
That would lead to a lot of frustration and probable pain for the male since a high level of sexuality without release can lead to aching of the testicles. Not a pleasant experience and a rather dubious one spiritually too, in my opinion.
Hormones, oxyhaemoglobin, blood pressure, instinctive preprogrammed neural responses - which part is supposed to be a secret?
This sounds like a bunch of supernatural hokey pokey to help people to deal with their guilt about sex. Hey, the ends justifies the means. Wouldn't it make sense to deal with societies misconceptions about sex instead of creating all of this fantastic bull to try to make it ok? There is nothing wrong with sex, there, I said it. I don't care what your sky daddy says.
"This neurochemical roller coaster ride (or "passion cycle") typically creates unnecessary turbulence for up to two weeks -- although most of us certainly will not connect any wobbles in perception with the great sex that caused them. At most we realize that we, or more likely, our partner, seems irritable, over-sensitive, defensive, unforgiving, apathetic, unloving, clingy, hyperactive, or whatever. "
This is a little too much drama for a loving relationship. I have never, ever experienced this. I'm 66.
When a man & women orgasm together, at the same moment , all is good.
can't we just have fun with sex???? what's the big deal??? maybe if folks were more confident with themselves and their partners we would stop analyzing every little thing we did and have some some fun. If you are comfortable with the restrictions of religion or society then live within those limits but let others live outside those limits without condemning them. America and free will, people. God deals with us as individuals not groups. love to all
I guess each sexual experience is as unique as we are. I agree, orgasm is a powerful, healthy experience-to be treasured for sure.
This post is so banal as to defy description or one might say, in your case - encryption. The secret gift of sex in the world today is an obsession resulting in children losing their beautiful childhood years to a Sex in the City mentality which reflects in everything from toilet paper commercials to every conceivable media outlet, AIDS, Herpes and other sex related diseases - not to speak of a divorce rate headed towards 60%. This is the usual liberal rhetoric for a lack of spirituality or simply put - old fashion vows taken at the time of marriage and doing what comes naturally. But liberals love to parse these basic instincts in man to death. Sadly, people marry because of sex rather than love and friendship; the sex grows tedious and they divorce; if they don't divorce, they cheat on one another. The Daoists were not enlightened - but rather the uninformed liberals of yesteryear trying to use spirituality to further their misguided agenda.
Your use of the words, 'Aligning with the Flow of Life', is way off base as the flow of life is God Himself and has little if nothing to do with the Daoists. This is second hand thinking.
AttilaTheHoney.com
How did this become political? Everything isn't about liberal or right wing thinking. Or is it???
Ah yes. When I was an undergraduate at Berkeley, some wag had carved into the wall of a bathroom stall: "Sex is a religion substitute."
Thank you for sharing.
Whatever happened to love-making? Is it being analyzed out of existence? Is there now a right way and a wrong way? A healthful way and a more healthful way? What happened to the joy and mystery of sharing this most intimate contact with the one we love?
There are those for whom sex is everything, and those for whom it is nothing. Never the twain shall meet.
Self-absorbed orgiastic sex is sex in isolation, without enriching context. Fulfilling sex has such a context, including body and mind (or spirit), values, deep understanding of the other person, trust, and sympathy.
In the revolt against Victorian reticence and, yes, hypocrisy, the 20th century swung too far in the other direction.
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