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Marnie Nir

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Can't Find Love? Here's Why

Posted: 01/24/11 09:06 AM ET

Are you one of the millions of Americans out there searching for love but can't find it? Are you frustrated and annoyed with the dating scene? Is your favorite line, "All the good ones are taken"? Most single people are unaware that their inability to find love has nothing to do with a dearth of potential partners, but with their inability to look at themselves.

You are the problem. Yes, you.

We often quote and blame statistics on why we don't have what we want instead of doing the real work to get what we want. If you wanted a great body, you would change your eating habits and workout, right? Complaining only burns so many calories. When it comes to love, people don't think there is any work to do. They think love should happen to them like it does in the movies. It doesn't. Living in a fantasy world when it comes to love will only keep you from finding it.

Have you ever noticed that you date the same kind of guy or girl? Are you having the same relationship over and over with different people? Have many of your relationships fallen apart for similar reasons? That's because you haven't looked at yourself and who you are in a relationship. You've been sitting on the sidelines complaining about your past and current dating failures without doing anything about it.

I had a client who theorized that men didn't find her attractive. But when we went through her dating history, we saw that she had dated asexual men and even a few men her friends thought might be gay. By dating asexual men, she got to stay doe-eyed and victimized.

It wasn't until my client examined her past that she saw she dated men she wasn't particularly attracted to and who were not attracted to her. Now she tells her story differently. She actually laughs at how she was the real culprit. She is not an anomaly -- it's what we all do. We all have theories that we are out to prove and that hold us back from true love.

It's time to question whom you pick and why. Take real action to find love:

  1. Dream

    Sit down and write up your dream relationship. Don't roll your eyes -- this is important. If you aren't willing to say what you want, how will you ever get it? Write it in the present tense. What is your partner like? What is your relationship like? How does it feel? Be specific and use details. When you can see your dream, it'll be easier to squash your inner chicken that has been trying to prove how difficult it is to find love.

  2. Purge

    After writing your dream, reread it and see where you've slipped in negative beliefs, such as, "My partner doesn't cheat" and "We don't doubt each other." Can you see that those beliefs are from past negative experiences? You are creating a new, positive relationship, so don't put any negative thoughts in your dream.Take each negative passage and put them aside in a separate paragraph .

    Now write out (purge) all of the reasons why you can't have that relationship you just beautifully described. Spew all of your excuses, all your "truths." Really go for it. Why can't you have love?

  3. Investigate

    When you're done with your purge, look at it. You are staring at all your dysfunctional theories on love. I bet you have many! Now take a look at your past relationships See if you can see any patterns. Do you date liars? Get bored by nice men or women? Have all your partners cheated on you? Do you date mean people or tolerate addicts? There are no accidents.

  4. Deal

    Once you've listed all of your theories on love, you'll be able to see that you haven't been fighting for your dream or working on yourself at all. Instead, you've busily been trying to prove these theories. Once you see your sneaky theories for what they are, you can start living true to your own ideals and find "the one" by being the one you'd want to date.

  5. Finding the One Is Possible

    Now that you know yourself and what you actually want, you can shift your thinking about love. Throw out all your old theories and write some new ones. See what happens. I bet you will be amazed at the next partner you attract. Hopefully, he or she won't be your usual "type" -- and for the first time, you'll know it's a good thing!

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