Anyone following the hype over U.S. basketball star Jeremy Lin will have observed the thick layer of racism lying ponderously over the media. One not-so-witty journalist rightly lost his job over the headline "Chink in the Armor," after Jeremy's recent setback, but the public statements of some athletes and the reactions in the press showed that race still matters, and racism is yet a fact of life.
As a hopeless (or hopeful?) sentimentalist, I like to think that there exists a global community of gay men and women who, in the face of discrimination and prejudice, all love and respect each other regardless of skin color, a worldwide brother- and sisterhood with common interests, similar outlooks on life, and shared values. Yeah, right!
How deluded this idea is was brought home to me during last year's visits to several American and European cities. Almost every major metropolis with a gay scene has separate bars for Asians, and even for Asian-lovers, both of which have to endure a plethora of derogatory denominations, from "rice queen" to "potato queen" and a whole lot of edibles in between. (Do you know what a banana is? How about an egg or yolk? Or a coconut? Don't ask!)
A look at online profiles will bring the same disheartening revelation: the gay world is full of narrow-minded, bigoted racists. Prowlers proudly pin their racism and prejudices on their profiles: the favorite "no fems, no chubs, no Asians!" reminds me of the old "no dogs or Chinese" store signs of pre-war Shanghai, and I shudder.
On my U.K. book tour in the lovely city of Manchester, we listened to natives explaining why Poles were good for a hot one-night stand (no pun there, I was assured), but not really boyfriend material; why one should always avoid Arabs and Turks ("they smell and lie"), and that Asians -- no offense to my husband, or indeed to me -- were only suitable for old queens or really ugly guys. "They are only after your money anyway."
The amount of racial affinity is staggering. Even in big metropolises like Madrid and Milan, we counted far more profiles of young men looking for men who were "alike" in age, looks, and muscle development than we found explicit interest in otherness and delight in racial difference. The more subtle date-seekers qualify their predilections with the moronic "no offense, it's just my taste."
The author Andrew Holleran described the gay world as a social melting pot, the gay disco that most democratic of institutions, where construction workers meet lawyers on equal terms. Apparently they do mingle, as long as the both share approximately the same genetic makeup. No Moroccan construction workers for that Danish lawyer, please.
As a biracial couple, we are especially attuned to such attitudes. My Asian husband tends to like or dislike cities by the number of friends we make on social apps -- thus Boston is better than Los Angeles, and Berlin better than London. We made a test and changed his app picture to show only his torso. His dedication to healthy cuisine was rewarded by a whopping 143 Hi!s in half an hour! Of those, 140 disappeared or blocked him when shown his -- and you must believe me here -- absolutely gorgeous Asian face. I won't tell you which city, but we ain't gonna visit there again, I tell you.
Go through any magazine in a Western bookstore or your local porn shop and you can count the number of ethnic cover boys on one hand. "Ethnic" is of course itself a Caucasian-centric term. The fact that it, along with "Interracial," is a category on many websites is a sign of how far away we are from an equitable, accepting society in which the color of one's skin does not matter. That Jeremy Lin has to be an Asian-American athlete rather than just an American basketball player is simply ludicrous.
To compare notes, we interviewed the owners of two straight dating website for this article, who told us that Asian men did not have a big following, whereas Asian women were fairly easy to match with desirous Caucasian husbands. In general, the straight bars and pubs we surveyed had a higher percentage of racial diversity than any of the gay venues. In Asia, of course, Caucasian are invariably in high demand and are often treated better than their arrogance deserves. Perhaps because there are so few to go around? So is it racism or just a matter of supply and demand?
It is difficult, if not impossible, to show scientifically whether gays are more racist. There is, however, an interesting hypothesis evidenced in many literary works. It says that homosexual attraction often starts with a desire to identify with the partner. A straight man may love, adore, or mistreat his girlfriend, but he never wants to be her. Most homosexuals find out about their propensities by falling for a guy they adore, envy, or desire to emulate. "Heterosexual roles are reciprocal, not reversible ... but homosexual roles are often redundant and a form of admiration or envy," Edmund White writes in his insightful biography of Jean Genet. "The first act of homosexual love, then, is impersonation."
If that is true (even as just an early developmental stage), then racism may indeed be more prevalent amongst gays. It is easier to identify with a member of the same racial group. If part of finding someone "hot" is a desire to be that person, then it helps to share the same skin color, or language, or education. If "I want to be like him" is the driver of queer puppy love, then the impossibility of changing one's racial makeup may be an underlying factor of racism. Hence the overwhelming presence of the phrase "seeking likewise" on Grndr profiles.
Incidentally, the extent of self-delusion involved is really mind-boggling. In one European city, one guy explained that "gays are all shallow and narrow-minded, with loads of hang-ups," that he himself was "laid-back, open-minded, and cool,"' while his profile on GayRomeo still read "28 yo, 182cm, 79kg, athletic, fit, looking for same. No chubs, no Turks, no Asians." How very open-minded!
Racism is, of course, just one aspect of the rejection of otherness that I find so misplaced in the gay community. My consolation is that I am way past dating and really can't be bothered to deal with people who tell me that I "could have done better than an Asian partner." But it still hurts to see the people I would like to associate with exhibit the same traits as the proverbial redneck.
I am still a sentimental dreamer, and so I have another theory to offer. I believe that most of the intelligent, free-thinking, race-blind men and women with whom I want to experience my idealistic global kinship are simply too smart and well-settled to hang out in bars or waste their time on social apps with a bunch of fakers. They are all living in the suburbs with a boyfriend or girlfriend -- or both! -- who have a different skin color, an impossibly cute accent, and a penchant for spicy cooking. Hey guys, wanna have lunch?
In a previous piece on HuffPost, Marten Weber wrote about being gay in an Asian society.
His latest book, Gabriel, deals, amongst other things, with racism and standards of beauty. Learn more at martenweber.com.
Follow Marten Weber on Twitter: www.twitter.com/webmarten
Rev. Patrick S. Cheng, Ph.D.: 'Mr. Wong's Dong Emporium': Racism and the Gay Community
Laurence Watts: Gay Men and Women Are Not More Racist
Mike Alvear: Are Gay People More Prejudiced Than Straight People?
For the record, I'm attracted to all kinds of men, and I myself think interracial relationships are beautiful...
the fact is that there will always be people who are turned on by someone who is the opposite of themselves, and other people will be attracted toward someone similar to themselves. And some are into both.
I don't know what is behind this, but I will say that for me, I have been very attracted to some Asian guys. But it doesn't seem to happen as often as with guys of other ethnicities. I have been to countries such as Singapore, and passed hundreds of people in the street, and not noticed a guy I was attracted to! But the women seemed more attractive to me (and I'm a gay guy...). I have also met gay Asian guys and have discussed this, and quite a few of them were also not attracted to other Asians themselves! That seems sad to me...I do know white guys who are adamant that they would never go for a guy of a different race, and I don't get that attitude. I would be open to any race, although I have certain types that get my attention more than others. But I have to admit that I'm a bit less often attracted to the Asian guys, and I don't really know why.
This article is informative. If being right or left handed affects our view of the world and tells us we don't mean the same thing when we use the same words, then imagine the difference that race makes.
http://bodyodd.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/28/10521233-how-lefties-righties-see-the-world-differently
We are using the same words, but we mean different things when we do so.
“People tend to understand verbs as referring to actions they would perform with their particular bodies,” says Casasanto. “In this sense, people with different bodies understand the same verbs to mean something different."
Which, of course, begs the question, how we do understand each other?
“The short answer is we don’t,” says Casasanto. “Most of the time, we feel like we understand each other because what a word means to me, is close enough to what it means to you, but it’s never the same, and what a word means in your mind may depend on quirks of your body.”
I am frankly quite tired of this slandering of the community.
When I first met my friends who are gay, one of them said that "every homosexual couple should have a pet hetero." Another friend said the dating scene with gays is just as bad if not worse than trying to date women, there are tons of mind games and a lot of discrimination based on looks.
Lets not get disillusioned with the gay community, while equal rights is excruciatingly important, they are no different that the rest of society in terms of being tied to the same human limitations we all deal with.
I also must say that comparing how people find a mate is rocky as well. If gays want to find someone "like" them but straights don't want to "be" their mate, I don't know how the former lends itself any more to racism than the latter; for example both a straight man and a gay man are looking for someone in relation to themselves and as both are raced beings, it is going to be unavoidable. I think the argument brought forth by people like Edmund White can offer an explanation for gender (straight women would look for a mate with opposite genitalia; a lesbian would identify with someone with the same) but I don't see how race comes into play there. Straight or gay, you notice the race of your mate and there's no telling who uses it as a qualifier "more often".
I got sick of hearing it and told him off one day. "You have horrible breath and you're 50# over, and you are dressed so that you look like an unmade bed. So - add me to your list of 'racists' - I wouldn't ever sleep with you."
AND you may have seen this happen with him or X number of black guys and falsely concluded that every time one is rejected, it's for reasons other than race. Just because he was rejected because of bad breath doesn't mean what he's describing doesn't occur.
If you're online with someone and reveal your race as something other than white, it's often the kiss of death. The person you're talking to loses interest and it has nothing to do with the factors you describe when you haven't exchanged pictures or met in person yet. The only conclusion is that race is the factor when someone who was interested a few seconds before loses interest upon learning your race. This occurs more often than you acknowledge.
The two groups of people who are most likely to shunned in the dating world are blacks and Asians....I wonder why????
Both groups have to content with negative stereotypes when it comes to sex and overall cultural and racial bias. It's not a coincidence, people. Stop bullsh*tting yourselves. And stop telling people you aren't racist just because you won't date a black/asian/latino/arab guy or woman. I put money on it that you are. There is nothing that tests and or reveals our prejudices more than who we will sleep with, date and/or marry.
We get that people have preferences. We just don't need to be constantly reminded of our undesirability. Black or Asian=negative gay points. White=positive.
The worst is when other minorities buy into this and reject others racial minorities including your own. If you're Black or Asian, the options are limited. If you're White, they're expanded exponentially!
So I'm gonna put a challenge up to this reporter. Let's see you talk about *all* of the issues that divide our community, not just the ones that guarantee a lot of HP clicks. I'm almost betting you cant do it.
Once gay men and women are no longer held to a lower standard by the law we will see a division among the ranks.
Unfortunately, yes there are racists gays just like there are gays for whom class is used to judge.