FUNDS WITH DICK AND ANN
"Know Thine Enemy" is such a wise adage. So I make a point of keeping track of the private rantings of right-wing whack-jobs (copyright: Senior McCain adviser) such as Ann Coulter and Dick Morris.
You know the rats are fleeing the rapidly sinking ship when you discover that BOTH of them are now trying to profit from the impending tsunami that threatens to blow away the gossamer-thin tissue of conservative ideology that has paralyzed and traduced the nation for 8 years.
Today I received begging letters - dressed up as "Promotional Opportunities" encouraging me to sign up subscriptions with a couple of financial medicine men - quack doctors peddling colored water that will protect your money in the event of an Obama victory and massive congressional gains by the Democrats.
According to Coulter:
This could be your last chance to "Obama-Proof" your portfolio before the coming November 4th elections. I urge you to read my letter below... "Obama-Proofing" the Ann Coulter Way.
She goes on to shill for "My friend Dr. Mark Skousen" who has "just identified 7 'Obama-Proof' investments to help you survive -- and thrive -- if and when "The One We Have Been Waiting For" ascends to the presidency." And yes - you guessed it - ever-considerate Ann provides a link to the good "doctor"'s website - which doubtlessly kicks-back a few shekels to the Ann Coulter Peroxide & Botox Fund.
Not to be out-done by Ann shilling her personal quack - up pops Dick Morris (surely Bill Clinton is more ashamed of his dalliance with Dick than any of his flings with other women - who for better or worse were not whores. Whereas...) Dick doesn't have a peroxide or Botox habit. But he does need a minimum of 18,000 calories a day to prevent him fading away into a svelte clone of Rush Limbaugh. So to feed his habit - he is out shilling for his own financial shaman.
Dick's letter is headlined:
If Obama Wins, One Thing is Certain -- For Your Investments...
There then follows an impassioned plea that you sign up with one Nicholas Vardy - who doesn't have that comforting "doctor" prefix - the sort of word that makes people thing that an aging shrew called Laura Schlessinger whose sole entitlement to the prefix "doctor" stems from a 1974 dissertation she submitted on the effects of insulin on rats - gives her some kind of credibility in anything other than rat piss.
Anyhow - according to the aptly-named Dick - Vardy is peddling the same sort of snake oil as Ann's quack.
Interestingly, neither Ann nor Dick claim to know what they are talking about:
Coulter: "What's his secret? Well, if I knew, I'd be an investment advisor myself."
Morris: "How does Nicholas Vardy do it? If I knew, I'd be in his business, not mine"
However the bloated Morris is marginally less disingenuous than cunning Coulter. While Ann "butter wouldn't melt between my thighs" acts all coy and innocent - never revealing that she is on a cut of every bottle of snake oil you purchase - Big Dick steps up to the confessional plate with one of those lines proffered by "I have one just like that at home myself" salesmen everywhere
Morris: "Full disclosure: I receive a percentage of each subscription sold, but even if I didn't, I'd want you to know about this amazing service."
So we have the sight of these two appalling apologists for the neo-con-trick of the past eight years already resigned to the end of this particular disastrous era reduced to scrabbling like "mongrels who ain't got a penny - sniffing for tidbits like you on the ground" (thank you old pal Bernie for the perfect line!)
DICK AND ANN ALL GROAN UP