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Martin Marks

Martin Marks

Posted: July 14, 2010 03:06 PM

Lauren Conrad Interviews Joan of Arc

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Lauren Conrad catches up with the sometimes devilish, sometimes divine Joan of Arc.

After a six season run, MTV's The Hills sadly came to a close last night. We can't believe it's only been two short years since the star - perhaps you've heard of her? - Lauren Conrad stepped off that plane at Charles de Gaulle Airport, wearing a chic oversized beige trench coat loosely hanging from her shoulders and casually knotted round the front - for whom does this not evoke the image of a young Coco Chanel in sailor's pea coat? - her silken blonde hair capped with a heavy knit cream beret - Faye Dunaway in Bonnie and Clyde, or the Prince song, had he the foresight not to sing about a garish color like raspberry - Lauren Conrad's strikingly well-shaped legs hugged by tan and white striped stockings - Wizard of Oz, when the farbissiner gets the house dropped on her - but offsetting these neutrals - to remind: trench coat, stockings, beret - with a pair of purple boots - Nancy Sinatra, but ankle length.

As she hit the streets of Paris, little did Lauren Conrad know what a hectic week Lauren Conrad would be having. Between Lauren Conrad's midnight jaunt to the Eiffel Tower atop a Vespa - in a cute sweater and chic legging jeans - and Lauren Conrad's work at the Hôtel de Crillon's Bal des Débutantes - in a sumptuous Alberta Ferretti; not to be mistaken with the one accidentally burned with a curling iron, though that was also a Ferretti, and equally as sumptuous - Lauren Conrad escaped the glare of the Parisian lights to catch up with Joan of Arc.

At seventeen, Joan has maintained a balance between her strongly rooted faith, the latest fashion trends, and an exotic beauty regimen - all of this while engaged in the very stressful task of directing the French resistance against the English during the Hundred Years War.

With the television series drawn to a close, we thought it would be a wonderful opportunity to publish the interview, conducted at Joan's camp outside of Reims, where Lauren Conrad was granted a rare glimpse into the life of the sometimes devilish, sometimes divine Maid of Orleans. We believe the words of this particularly impressive talent speak for themselves. (Joan's bit isn't that bad, either.)

Lauren Conrad: Wow, good morning. It's so awesome to meet you.

Joan of Arc: By the grace of God, I am pleased to be able to stand in your presence.

LC: Tell me about the real Joan of Arc. What makes a simple country girl like you all of a sudden become "the Maid of Orleans?"

JA: You might very well ask me one sort of question which I would answer truly, and another sort which I would not answer.

LC: Rock on. So, I guess what most people know about you is your religion. Could you tell us a little about that?

JA: I was in my thirteenth year when I heard a voice from God to help me govern my conduct. And, the first time, I was very much afraid.

LC: Umm, excuse me? The "voice of God?"

JA: It was in my father's garden. I heard the voice on my right, in the direction of the church.

LC: That's so strange. I know that sometimes after going to the clubs, I get this ringing in my ears that doesn't go away for a couple of days. Are you sure it wasn't that?

JA: It was Saint Michael, whom I saw before my eyes. He was not alone, but was accompanied by many angels from Heaven. I saw them with my bodily eyes, as well as I am seeing you.

LC: Club drugs can be a big problem nowadays. When Jason and I were on the rocks, Heidi (you know, back when we were talking) and I went out to this dive on the strip, and this totally sketchy guy was near the bar, and Heidi went off to go dancing and I turned my head for just one minute, and I think he totally slipped something into my drink because I was all woozy and...

JA: I do not partake in the drinking of wine nor of dancing. The angels often come among us. Others may not see them, but I...

LC: You don't dance? Like, never?

JA: It is against the ways of God, my redeemer in battle, and that which St. Margaret and...

LC: So no dancing at all? Umm, okay. What does the Maid of Orleans to have a little fun?

JA: Since I learned that I must come into France, I took as little part as possible in games or dancing. I learned to sew linen and fabrics and to spin wool, and when it comes to spinning and sewing, I fear no woman!

LC: Wow. So you're, umm, into crafts? One time at summer camp, I guess I made one of those dream weavers, you know, those things made of sticks that you hang in your window...

JA: I know not what you speak of.

LC: You'd probably know it if you saw it. But this tent? That chest, amazing! To die for! Let me guess... Anthropologie?

JA: The chest was plundered from the castle of the Duke of Burgundy.

LC: Antiques are really the latest thing. Just so in right now. And where did you find those adorable miniatures hanging around your room?

JA: That is Saint Michael, whom I saw before my eyes, and Saint Catherine and Saint Margaret, who come to me that I should act on their advice.

LC: The colors totally work with the tent's fabric. And keeping things that you cherish is so important.

JA: Yes.

LC: Anyway, I know this is kind of personal, and I'm way embarrassed to ask, but what do you do to keep your skin so flawless? Between the Ayurvedic exfoliating scrubs, the seaweed wraps, the liquorice, guano, and huckleberry ankle microdermabrasion peels... I mean, they're fine, I guess. But for us girls on the go, we just don't have time. Am I right?

JA: I bathe just once a month, not more, in the waters of the spring at my hometown. And weekly, I wash myself in the urine of a female goat to ward off the elements of the plague.

LC: Umm, you do have that very rugged, outdoorsy thing going on. I guess it's very European, you know? Like, the body hair and the weird haircut and all. And your clothes... Yes, your clothes! Tell us about your clothes!

JA: I wear masculine garments in token of future victory for I have been sent by God to preach by word and by dress.

LC: So you've incorporated your life mentality into the way you dress. That's so awesome! Have you ever thought of getting together with, like, H&M, or even Abercrombie and Fitch, and starting your own diffusion line?

JA: My one mission is to help Charles, the true king of France, and to set him firm upon his throne from whence the king of England and the duke of Burgundy are striving to chase him.

LC: Okay, so, this Charles, the "dauphin" if you will... There's nothing between you two?

JA: I shall not tell you this.

LC: I mean, you've devoted your life to this guy, and you're saying there's nothing going on?

JA: This is not to be answered to you, but send to the king himself, and he will tell you.

LC: Like, seriously, Joan, there's no need to get testy... Put down the sword or this interview's totally over!

JA: I have done nothing save by revelation. The Lord wills that I do so. God's will determines the shape of my earthly mission.

LC: And speaking of shape, it can be so upsetting, all the rumors swirling around, the magazine covers saying that you lost 20 pounds, you gained 40 pounds, blah, blah, blah. I mean, you've got to have discipline, right? I do about two hours a day with my trainer, jog three miles, try to fit in a yoga class twice a week. But how do you keep in shape?

JA: I eat a pot of boiled radishes every morning.

LC: Umm, a high-fiber, low-carb lifestyle diet?

JA: Yes.

LC: Okay, it's been real. Thanks so much for your time. Is there anything you want to leave our readers with?

JA: King of England, I am a captain, and assure you that wherever I find your people in France, I shall make them leave, and if they will not obey, I shall have to put them to death. I am sent here by God the King of Heaven to push...

LC: Anything a bit more, like, not so weird?

JA: Yes. I am against smoking. It is a bad habit.

Author's Note: The majority of Joan of Arc's dialogue comes from translations of her letters and trial.