ORLANDO (Satire) --- Move over Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz and Donald Trump. There's a new Republican candidate for President and the political race is in turmoil again.
At a hastily arranged press conference near the Disney Resort, Mitt Romney, the 2012 Republican Presidential candidate, today addressed concerns that Donald Trump is running away with the Republican nomination, despite a barrage of negative attention in the last week.
"True conservatives don't want an inexperienced blowhard like Donald Trump, an experienced blowhard like Ted Cruz or a robotic candidate like Marco Rubio," Romney explained. "They want a candidate that's ready for action, that won't take any guff, and that they can take to a bar and get drunk with. Like this."
With that, Romney spun around, pulled out a black matte AR-15 assault rifle and waved it above the crowd."This AR-15 is your next president."
The crowd, instantly energized, erupted in chants of "U.S.A., U.S.A."
The wise, elder spokesman of the Republican Party explained that under the recent supreme court decision of "Citizens United" man-made concepts like corporations have a constitutional right to donate to candidates for public office. "They're legal persons, they can influence elections," said Romney. "Well, so can my AR-15. Its running for president." The crowd stirred again. "U.S.A., U.S.A."
"The AR-15 meets all the criteria for President: its made in America and its over 35 years old," explained constitutional scholar Bradley Forsyth. "Plus, its protected under the Second Amendment. Looks like a winner to me."
In an instant poll of likely Florida voters, 42% of Republicans favor the AR-15 assault rifle for President, 23% favor Ted Cruz, 21% Donald Trump and 8% Marco Rubio.
"I don't want a President who thinks too much," explained Orange County Republican Chairman Herb Widdleton, "No, sir. I'll take a semiautomatic veto every day of the week."
Asked to comment, the AR-15 let out an extended volley of twenty-six .223 hollow-point bullets. Then, for emphasis, it added fourteen more.