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Mary Beth Holcomb Headshot

11 Things All New Parents Should Know

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1. The diaper goes on the baby's bottom, forwards or backwards, but forwards is better.

2. You can buy "nighttime" diapers if you want, but your ass is getting up either way.

3. You can use one of those baby wipe warmers, but warm things near private parts make most people need to pee, and a cold retracted penis might not be a bad thing.

4. No one knows if your baby is gassy, but everyone will say, "Maybe he's gassy!" because it's not something they can help you with.

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5. Mylicon Infant Gas Drops are made from the tears of laughter of Johnson & Johnson senior executives.

6. If your baby falls off the bed, reframe it in terms of "Free Range Parenting."

7. You can sterilize your baby's pacifiers, but dogs' mouths are supposedly cleaner than humans', so you could just thank them for finding it and pick off the larger hairs.

8. You can put "Shhh! Baby Sleeping!" signs on doors and speak in stage whispers during naptime, but only if you want to spend the next five years tiptoeing around like Puck in A Midsummer Night's Dream.

9. You can stick your finger in a baby's diaper to see if it's clean, but you can only do this once.

10. You could wake the baby up to see if he's hungry, or you could shave your dog's fur to see if he's cold.

11. You could twist the umbilical cord into a dried "keepsake heart" for the baby's nursery, or you could dress in witches' clothing and post "keep away" notices for all normal people.

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